Question for white, upper middle class moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm white and historically have always had Asian friends. My best friend/maid of honor in my wedding (to give you an idea of how close we are) is Chinese. My closest college friend was Vietnamese.
I live in upper NW and honestly I only know a few Asians. Once is becoming a pretty good friend. However, the one thing that I have a really hard time with is her endless bragging about her children's abilities. I am REALLY laid back about my kids. I'm the first to admit that they're often a pain in the ass and while they have awesome qualities they also have many weaknesses that we're working on. I have no idea what college they'll attend and I don't really care. However, my Asian friend here is all about the Ivy league and how gifted her son is and what an extraordinary kids she has. I ignore it most of the time but I do think it prevents us from getting closer. My nearest and dearest friends here come at parenting from the same perspective as I do. We're doing our best and our kids may or may not succeed in life and we'll be okay with it. We just don't the energy or desire to micromanage our kids. Instead we drink wine and hang out and laugh at stupid stuff.

Asian mom here.

1. I'm like you in bolded
2. I notice a lot of white moms with the same Ivy or bust attitude. I don't think this is an Asian thing. It's this area. I'm from SF and parents there don't seem to be as obsessed with Ivys or any college while the kids are in ES, unlike here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an Asian-American mom of ES kids. I was born in the Midwestern US. I had more non-Asian friends than Asian-American friends my entire life and married a non-Asian. Since being a mom, I feel really left out of the mom social scene, despite my best efforts to be involved. I always figured it was something about me as an individual but, on DCUM, I see there is a lot of negativity towards and stereotyping of Asians. I don't know if this is actually common in real life in the DC area. I am shocked by the attitude because part of what I like about this area is the diversity.

My question is whether you feel less comfortable befriending someone who is non-white, or specifically of Asian origin, than you do someone who is white.

This is an anonymous forum, so please be honest.

Why is this addressed to "upper middle class?"

methinks you might be a tad bit of a snob .. .

Not a snob. This is the area I live in so these are the people I most often encounter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about this too OP. The moms are always nice to me in a polite conversation small talk kind of way, but that's generally where it ends. They then gather kind in their own circle and I'm left wondering over somewhere else. This is usually at school pick-up. And also happens at soccer games.

They are not rude or mean at all, just not wanting to go beyond common pleasantries. It's not deep convo in their circles, just talking about school, sports, etc, so I'm always left wondering why they have to do it in a circle.

I was born and raised here, btw, so it's not like there is a language barrier.

This happens to me, too.

White girl here, and this happens to me too. I think in part it's because I WOHM, so I'm just not around as much to form those friendships. And my kid isn't home as much to hang out with their kids. And, also, some sort of lack of comfort level with me because I WOHM and they don't. But maybe it's not because of that, and maybe for you it's not because you're Asian and they're not. Maybe it's just random.

[Anonymous]

Not at all. Our closet parent friends are white/Hispanic, Hispanic/Hispanic, Asian/white, white from Europe/white, white/white and black/black. We are white/white.

I don't give a thought to the color of a potential friend's skin. My main thoughts are: do our kids like each other and get along well, am I good with the way they parent (as in - if you are the type to sit there and laugh when junior breaks something or hits my baby, I would not be able to be friends) and do we mesh.

[Anonymous]

I live in NWDC. I am mixed but look very white. My friends are all different races. My requirements for friends are:

You are laid back
You are smart enough to hold a great convo but also like low brow things too
You are not offended by drinking
You are not open about being religious

These things are hard to find. Most do not pass the first requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in NWDC. I am mixed but look very white. My friends are all different races. My requirements for friends are:

You are laid back
You are smart enough to hold a great convo but also like low brow things too
You are not offended by drinking
You are not open about being religious

These things are hard to find. Most do not pass the first requirement.

Seriously? Some people around here get offended by this? Are they Mormon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in NWDC. I am mixed but look very white. My friends are all different races. My requirements for friends are:

You are laid back
You are smart enough to hold a great convo but also like low brow things too
You are not offended by drinking
You are not open about being religious

These things are hard to find. Most do not pass the first requirement.

+1

Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in NWDC. I am mixed but look very white. My friends are all different races. My requirements for friends are:

You are laid back
You are smart enough to hold a great convo but also like low brow things too
You are not offended by drinking
You are not open about being religious

These things are hard to find. Most do not pass the first requirement.

Seriously? Some people around here get offended by this? Are they Mormon?

No Muslims are not suppose to drink. I have Mormon friends who aren't offended by me drinking but they also meet my last requirement.

[Anonymous]

I don't think of American-born Asians any differently than I think of my Caucasian friends. American-born Asians probably had a pretty similar upbringing to mine - fairly strict parents who wanted them to do well in school - and they grew up surrounded by white people, just like I did.

But I don't really have many (or any) Asian friends who are not American-born or who don't speak English very fluently - I find that certain groups of Asians (new immigrants, non-native English speakers) are more likely to socialize among themselves and less with me.

Same goes for other races - my social group in Arlington includes people of all ethnicities. The blacks in our group are typically of the same educational and economic level as the whites. (same with the hispanics.) we have more in common than not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you interested in having black friends too?

OP here. Yes, of course, but there are not very many of them in my area and I find the black moms I know to be much more open and friendly so I didn't have that same question about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thank you, 14:03. Yes, to all who posted their views on Asians being different, does that apply to those born and raised in the US? I kind of suspect those of you with stereotypes do not differentiate and that is frustrating to me.

To the discipline poster, nope, my kids are not terrors.

I am not a tiger mom -- pretty much no enrichment activities except instrument. I kind of suspect that people think we do them, though.

Thanks for all the honest replies. Thanks to those who shared their own difficulties making friends here. I will go back to thinking that it may be a little about my personality and a little about the area. And I will keep being friendly and involved.

Because just as you may think all white people are alike, it is fair game that some people may think all Asians may be similar. Do people ask you, right off, if you were born here? Are they supposed to know that? You seem presumptuous, OP. Maybe many of us are guilty of that.

Not all white upper middle class moms have spoiled kids and throw their money around, for example. I have had one Asian family actually try to say that about me "they can do what they want in that house". Not true, and if you knew anything about our family, then you would know that. But you just blew your chance, that is for certain.

Try not to be so judgy; and we won't assume you are a overindulgent, obsessed with money Tiger Mom with no boundaries (for whom Yale or fail is your mantra!) and no sense of where you are. Try to lighten up. Know who you are, instead of trying to mind who everyone else is.

May I ask, what generation are you? Did your parents come over? Grandparents? Because this is one clue.

[Anonymous]

I don't really believe there is any racial bias. I think Moms in this area are equal opportunity snobs. They really don't have to have a reason to snub you.

Most likely they are snubbing you as a defense mechanism because they think you will snub them.

Vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

I am white upper-class mom who also feels left out of the mom scene. I think a lot of people do. I certainly don't choose my friends based on race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thank you, 14:03. Yes, to all who posted their views on Asians being different, does that apply to those born and raised in the US? I kind of suspect those of you with stereotypes do not differentiate and that is frustrating to me.

To the discipline poster, nope, my kids are not terrors.

I am not a tiger mom -- pretty much no enrichment activities except instrument. I kind of suspect that people think we do them, though.

Thanks for all the honest replies. Thanks to those who shared their own difficulties making friends here. I will go back to thinking that it may be a little about my personality and a little about the area. And I will keep being friendly and involved.

Because just as you may think all white people are alike, it is fair game that some people may think all Asians may be similar. Do people ask you, right off, if you were born here? Are they supposed to know that? You seem presumptuous, OP. Maybe many of us are guilty of that.

Not all white upper middle class moms have spoiled kids and throw their money around, for example. I have had one Asian family actually try to say that about me "they can do what they want in that house". Not true, and if you knew anything about our family, then you would know that. But you just blew your chance, that is for certain.

Try not to be so judgy; and we won't assume you are a overindulgent, obsessed with money Tiger Mom with no boundaries (for whom Yale or fail is your mantra!) and no sense of where you are. Try to lighten up. Know who you are, instead of trying to mind who everyone else is.

May I ask, what generation are you? Did your parents come over? Grandparents? Because this is one clue.

Whoa, whoa ... simmer down. Not sure why you think I think all white moms are the same. I was trying to solicit responses from white moms so I put that in the title. I fully expected to hear differing opinions.

It is obvious that I was born here if you hear me say anything. No accent.

I make no stereotypical comments about white people. As I mentioned, I grew up here and am married to one. Not clear what in my post was judgy.

I am not a tiger mom (nor am I of Chinese origin).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think of American-born Asians any differently than I think of my Caucasian friends. American-born Asians probably had a pretty similar upbringing to mine - fairly strict parents who wanted them to do well in school - and they grew up surrounded by white people, just like I did.

But I don't really have many (or any) Asian friends who are not American-born or who don't speak English very fluently - I find that certain groups of Asians (new immigrants, non-native English speakers) are more likely to socialize among themselves and less with me.

Same goes for other races - my social group in Arlington includes people of all ethnicities. The blacks in our group are typically of the same educational and economic level as the whites. (same with the hispanics.) we have more in common than not.

I'm Asian, came to the US as a toddler, so practically born here, and I would agree with the bolded. I don't have any recent immigrant Asian friends, either. Very different cultures.