Question for white, upper middle class moms

[Anonymous]

I really don't care about what color my friends are - I find it weird so many posts here self identify by color. Most of you who do this tend to be from other places (like the midwest) where race and color are such a big thing.

My friend are from all over and all colors and all religions and genders (and all levels of those genders) and who really gives a rats ass about it.

The fact is, you become friends with someone because you have things in common - and those things are not the color of your skin, the things between your legs, how many kids you have, etc.

If you can't see past that - well, you are the one with issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm white and historically have always had Asian friends. My best friend/maid of honor in my wedding (to give you an idea of how close we are) is Chinese. My closest college friend was Vietnamese.
I live in upper NW and honestly I only know a few Asians. Once is becoming a pretty good friend. However, the one thing that I have a really hard time with is her endless bragging about her children's abilities. I am REALLY laid back about my kids. I'm the first to admit that they're often a pain in the ass and while they have awesome qualities they also have many weaknesses that we're working on. I have no idea what college they'll attend and I don't really care. However, my Asian friend here is all about the Ivy league and how gifted her son is and what an extraordinary kids she has. I ignore it most of the time but I do think it prevents us from getting closer. My nearest and dearest friends here come at parenting from the same perspective as I do. We're doing our best and our kids may or may not succeed in life and we'll be okay with it. We just don't the energy or desire to micromanage our kids. Instead we drink wine and hang out and laugh at stupid stuff.

Asian mom here.

1. I'm like you in bolded
2. I notice a lot of white moms with the same Ivy or bust attitude. I don't think this is an Asian thing. It's this area. I'm from SF and parents there don't seem to be as obsessed with Ivys or any college while the kids are in ES, unlike here.

you didn't live in cupertino did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thank you, 14:03. Yes, to all who posted their views on Asians being different, does that apply to those born and raised in the US? I kind of suspect those of you with stereotypes do not differentiate and that is frustrating to me.

To the discipline poster, nope, my kids are not terrors.

I am not a tiger mom -- pretty much no enrichment activities except instrument. I kind of suspect that people think we do them, though.

Thanks for all the honest replies. Thanks to those who shared their own difficulties making friends here. I will go back to thinking that it may be a little about my personality and a little about the area. And I will keep being friendly and involved.

Because just as you may think all white people are alike, it is fair game that some people may think all Asians may be similar. Do people ask you, right off, if you were born here? Are they supposed to know that? You seem presumptuous, OP. Maybe many of us are guilty of that.

Not all white upper middle class moms have spoiled kids and throw their money around, for example. I have had one Asian family actually try to say that about me "they can do what they want in that house". Not true, and if you knew anything about our family, then you would know that. But you just blew your chance, that is for certain.

Try not to be so judgy; and we won't assume you are a overindulgent, obsessed with money Tiger Mom with no boundaries (for whom Yale or fail is your mantra!) and no sense of where you are. Try to lighten up. Know who you are, instead of trying to mind who everyone else is.

May I ask, what generation are you? Did your parents come over? Grandparents? Because this is one clue.

I've had one white family try to say about me "they can do what they want in that house". Not true, and if you didn't stereotype me because of my ethnicity, then you would know that.

Maybe if white people weren't so judgey, I'd invite them into my circle.

Tell me about your ancestry. When did your family immigrate to America? Knowing exactly which generation you are would be one clue as to whether I want to bother with you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's more productive to look at the vibe you're putting out there and whether it is a good fit with the other moms in your circles. This doesn't have to be a race thing. It could be that you're humble and soft-spoken and they're chatty Cathies. You're vegan crunchy and they're into big barbecues. Look beyond race. Maybe you'll find something there. The folks I know from the midwest sometimes move at a different pace than those of us from the east coast. For better or worse.

[Anonymous]

Why not try to befriend black and hispanic upper class moms too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not try to befriend black and hispanic upper class moms too?

I'm not OP, but as she pointed out earlier, she is happy to befriend black ( and likely hispanic moms too) and actually has had an easier time with them in the past. But she's working with the demographic of her community and thus the majority of her peers- white, upper middle class moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's more productive to look at the vibe you're putting out there and whether it is a good fit with the other moms in your circles. This doesn't have to be a race thing. It could be that you're humble and soft-spoken and they're chatty Cathies. You're vegan crunchy and they're into big barbecues. Look beyond race. Maybe you'll find something there. The folks I know from the midwest sometimes move at a different pace than those of us from the east coast. For better or worse.

Op here. All true and those were my theories before -- the Midwest thing is definitely a difference! But there have been so many DCUM posts stereotyping Asians that I began to wonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't care about what color my friends are - I find it weird so many posts here self identify by color. Most of you who do this tend to be from other places (like the midwest) where race and color are such a big thing.

My friend are from all over and all colors and all religions and genders (and all levels of those genders) and who really gives a rats ass about it.

The fact is, you become friends with someone because you have things in common - and those things are not the color of your skin, the things between your legs, how many kids you have, etc.

If you can't see past that - well, you are the one with issues.

+1

[Anonymous]

Let me try to speak slower here:

OP, you need to appreciate that some people you think are "American" are not that "American" at all.

Why did your family come here? Do you think that maybe the next guy's family came here for similar reasons?

When you stop generalizing, you will notice that there are less people generalizing, around you.

Get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not try to befriend black and hispanic upper class moms too?

I'm not OP, but as she pointed out earlier, she is happy to befriend black ( and likely hispanic moms too) and actually has had an easier time with them in the past. But she's working with the demographic of her community and thus the majority of her peers- white, upper middle class moms.

Ie: OP does not know or care to know anyone that is not white. I hope this is not the case. Are you a social climber, OP?

[Anonymous]

To be completely honest, I feel most comfortable around people like me- same race, same type of upbringing, same lifestyle. Many people make an effort to make a diverse group of friends- and that's great. But there are also many of us who prefer being around people like ourselves. It's not PC to say this, so it's nothing I'd admit to anyone. You can see this mentality across all different demographics- not just UMC white women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not try to befriend black and hispanic upper class moms too?

I'm not OP, but as she pointed out earlier, she is happy to befriend black ( and likely hispanic moms too) and actually has had an easier time with them in the past. But she's working with the demographic of her community and thus the majority of her peers- white, upper middle class moms.

Ie: OP does not know or care to know anyone that is not white. I hope this is not the case. Are you a social climber, OP?

Asians are the minority whites? They assimilate with the majority and identify closely with whites.

[Anonymous]

White, upper middle class mom here--if anything I'm attracted to Asians, because (stereotyping here, but the individuals I've met) have my work and education ethic. Actually, I don't think I'm attracted to them because they are Asian, but because those individual moms and I value similar things.

Just got off the phone with a very good friend of mine, and she's Chinese-born and raised. In the past when our kids went to the same school, some of the white moms would not include her in a recurring small mom's night gathering, but it was because it was organized by one mom who had trouble understanding her accent. I found myself uncomfortable that everyone liked her and she *should* have been there but for this organizing mom, so I stopped going. Actually, thinking about this, that organizing mom was Latina, but she was the Alpha of the group and the other (white) moms went along with it.

I have another friend who is American born, and our daughters have been best friends for years.

If my kids married Asian, I would be fine with that (as long as their families accepted my white kids)

I'm sorry OP you are having trouble. I will say that if your kids didn't start h/her current school in a "formation class" (usually PS or K) and transferred into a school, it's hard because people's dance cards are filled. The parents all make friends with their oldest child's class parents at time of school entry. I've had that trouble.

[Anonymous]

One school of my DD I had many good friends. Switched when grade school ended and now left out of the Potomac SAHMs crowd. Seriously, the other moms were amazing career women and moms who were welcoming, but this other school has moms so insecure that they freeze everyone out of their group. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

First of all DCUM is negative toward just about everything, so don't base anything on that. You sound like a really nice person. The only thing I can think of is maybe it is your Midwest background that might turn people off. I have never met you, so I don't want to stereotype or generalize. Just keep being friendly, get your kids involved, host play dates, volunteer, etc. You will be fine.