How often do you and partner have sex??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What accounts for the biggest drop for me is lack of morning sex — and having it in the morning seemed to often result in having it again in the evening. Our kids are early risers. I think we've done it maybe 3 times in the morning in 4 years.

Yes, this. Together almost 30 years. With morning sex out of the picture, and being exhausted from work at night, our sex life has taken a huge hit.

It's not just kids though. Bodies get older. WHat I wanted at 24 is different at 54. We are a couple who waited many years into our relationship for kids though, almost 15, so we had plenty of sex before that. I feel sorry for folks who have a baby right after they get married; this makes it a lot tougher to prolong the honeymoon.

[Anonymous]

married 6 years. kids 2 and 4. 3x/month is probably average. I would like it more, but we are both exhausted, and frankly DH doesn't seem that interested in more.I would probably put a lot more effort into increasing frequency if he would put more effort into increasing quality/intensity, but despite conversations and attempts on my part, he is pretty uninterested in changing the vanilla routine. I constantly think "when things get calmer/less exhausting, I'm going to really work on this, try to spice things up, get him less inhibited, etc" but I worry that by then it will be too late.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really important to accept the reality that sex, like many other things in life, becomes very different when you're a parent. I mean, I used to love going to yoga 3x/week, but that aint happening any more either! And even if I do make it to a class, it's now a much different experience from the leisurely, carefree 1.5 hrs pre-baby. Sex is the same - putting aside all questions of "low drive vs high drive" (which I also think can become a corrosive discourse) - after you have a baby, you just don't have the ability to loll around all day every sunday and get 2 of your 5 weekly fucks in, no matter how high your sex drive.

Like everything else you might mourn from your pre-baby life, carefree sex is one of them.

I think it's important to accept this because the diminishment of sex often becomes a blaming thing (usually blaming the woman) for "losing her sex drive" after having kids. But that's kind of as ridiculous as saying that I've "lost my yoga drive" post-kids. No. It's just different now, and external factors are keeping me from going to yoga 3x/week.

So I think the key is to prioritize sex, and make the sex you do have high-quality, but to accept the new role sex has in your life as parents. If you get fixated on comparing yourselves to others, you're never going to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really important to accept the reality that sex, like many other things in life, becomes very different when you're a parent. I mean, I used to love going to yoga 3x/week, but that aint happening any more either! And even if I do make it to a class, it's now a much different experience from the leisurely, carefree 1.5 hrs pre-baby. Sex is the same - putting aside all questions of "low drive vs high drive" (which I also think can become a corrosive discourse) - after you have a baby, you just don't have the ability to loll around all day every sunday and get 2 of your 5 weekly fucks in, no matter how high your sex drive.

Like everything else you might mourn from your pre-baby life, carefree sex is one of them.

I think it's important to accept this because the diminishment of sex often becomes a blaming thing (usually blaming the woman) for "losing her sex drive" after having kids. But that's kind of as ridiculous as saying that I've "lost my yoga drive" post-kids. No. It's just different now, and external factors are keeping me from going to yoga 3x/week.

So I think the key is to prioritize sex, and make the sex you do have high-quality, but to accept the new role sex has in your life as parents. If you get fixated on comparing yourselves to others, you're never going to be happy.

You're right about not having the leisure time, but I think the yoga comparison is a little worrisome. And the comparison ties into the notion that sex is something you do if you have a bunch of spare time. The danger is thinking of sex as a nice little extra like yoga instead of an intrinsic requirement like shelter. Sex, like home maintenance, is easy to put off in favor of more obvious and immediate concerns; but there is going to be hell to pay if you don't keep up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women who have sex 3-5 times/week, do you always have an orgasm (not just your husband)?

Yes, I have one trick I can do that guarantees it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So is it impossible to maintain formerly active sx life once kids are here??

A lot of people have chimed in 3, 4, 5xs a week. What exactly do you consider active?

I'm talking about people who were 3-5x a week pre kids and are now once a month etc

You used the word impossible. Clearly it's not impossible. Just impossible for you to focus on the people who are having sex.

What an unnecessarily aggressive response. The PP dialed back the "impossible" and clarified his concern. Then you vomited out that unhelpful observation.

To the PP who was asking about pre-kid / post-kid. It's all over the map in terms of how active pre-kid sex lives respond to kids. There are plenty of people who still keep it up and plenty of people who find their sex lives drop off a cliff. Thing is that it takes both spouses being on board to have an active sex life and either one of them effectively has veto power enabling them to wreck the sex life.

Some find that sex never takes a hit. Some find there is a lull during pregnancy and/or nursing and early infancy but then the sex mostly (but maybe not entirely) bounces back. Some find that patiently waiting for things to bounce back doesn't work. In terms of distribution, I have no idea. From reading these boards, I get the sense that the "never take a hit" crowd is the smallest followed by the sexless marriage crowd with the "bounces back" crowd being the largest.

The hall monitor has arrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really important to accept the reality that sex, like many other things in life, becomes very different when you're a parent. I mean, I used to love going to yoga 3x/week, but that aint happening any more either! And even if I do make it to a class, it's now a much different experience from the leisurely, carefree 1.5 hrs pre-baby. Sex is the same - putting aside all questions of "low drive vs high drive" (which I also think can become a corrosive discourse) - after you have a baby, you just don't have the ability to loll around all day every sunday and get 2 of your 5 weekly fucks in, no matter how high your sex drive.

Like everything else you might mourn from your pre-baby life, carefree sex is one of them.

I think it's important to accept this because the diminishment of sex often becomes a blaming thing (usually blaming the woman) for "losing her sex drive" after having kids. But that's kind of as ridiculous as saying that I've "lost my yoga drive" post-kids. No. It's just different now, and external factors are keeping me from going to yoga 3x/week.

So I think the key is to prioritize sex, and make the sex you do have high-quality, but to accept the new role sex has in your life as parents. If you get fixated on comparing yourselves to others, you're never going to be happy.

You're right about not having the leisure time, but I think the yoga comparison is a little worrisome. And the comparison ties into the notion that sex is something you do if you have a bunch of spare time. The danger is thinking of sex as a nice little extra like yoga instead of an intrinsic requirement like shelter. Sex, like home maintenance, is easy to put off in favor of more obvious and immediate concerns; but there is going to be hell to pay if you don't keep up with it.

I never ever understand this excuse and frankly don't have to since my DH are at it 4xs a week (yes, small kids, yes married for over a decade we both work). How long are people having sex for? If we go over, say 10 minuets of penetration, I run the risk of being sore....sure there is foreplay and sometimes that can get cut short, but having sex does not take that much time. I spend more time blow drying my hair on a daily basis and manage to squeeze that in. Sometimes it's in the shower, in the closet, sometimes we plop the kids in front of the TV and lock the door, sometimes it's a quick BJ, sometimes it is right after we put the kids to bed, sometimes it is before we get out of bed on a Wednesday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So is it impossible to maintain formerly active sx life once kids are here??

If both parents work full time, and try to get 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night, it's difficult but not impossible. Then when your kids are older and in activities, it's super difficult. I've got one kid getting up at 6, and the other kid who's got an evening practice. I think once a week in our circumstances is great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief! So grateful that my DH is interested is having sex with me. A once a week sex life or less would be pretty bleak. My DH is at me every day-though I'd say we average 4xs a week. I thought all men were like that.

I guess it works if you both are sexually matched, but f not, it would be pretty demoralizing and certainly make the relationship vulnerable to affairs.

How old are you that you think every man wants sex every day? You also must be new around here. My DH is over 50, and prefers sleep to sex. We also both work long hours outside the home, and spend much of our free time driving our teens to their activities. Can't imagine the time or energy required for 4X a week.

[Anonymous]

9:28, I would never have an orgasm if sex took only 10 minutes.

I need half an hour, from start to orgasm. Of course, I'm a 49 year old woman who's been with her DH 22 years, married for 18 and we have two non-driving age teens, so your situation might be different.

[Anonymous]

18 years.

Currently- in some form -oral or intercourse- ~3-6 times per week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief! So grateful that my DH is interested is having sex with me. A once a week sex life or less would be pretty bleak. My DH is at me every day-though I'd say we average 4xs a week. I thought all men were like that.

I guess it works if you both are sexually matched, but f not, it would be pretty demoralizing and certainly make the relationship vulnerable to affairs.

How old are you that you think every man wants sex every day? You also must be new around here. My DH is over 50, and prefers sleep to sex. We also both work long hours outside the home, and spend much of our free time driving our teens to their activities. Can't imagine the time or energy required for 4X a week.

45 & 43.

LOL, my DH is always ready-pretty much the same as when we first met in college. We have 3 young children and work full time outside the home as well, we've been together since we were 20 & 22. With my kids sports (3 sports each spring and fall-we are at a practice or game just about every night of the week). Energy? I find sex relaxing. Nothing better than falling asleep after the release.

The older I get it seems the more drive I have. Sometimes I'm completely out of control. Clearly there is a hormonal shift going on inside of me right now and the action is really ramped up. Reading this I'm so grateful to be married to a man who is already willing, able, and ready.

[Anonymous]

Yuck. I hope every day that my husband is too tired. Too many years of resentment. Please leave me alone.

[Anonymous]

I think these topics on DCUM are started and perpetuated by trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:9:28, I would never have an orgasm if sex took only 10 minutes.

I need half an hour, from start to orgasm. Of course, I'm a 49 year old woman who's been with her DH 22 years, married for 18 and we have two non-driving age teens, so your situation might be different.

Wow really? I usually have 2-5 orgasms during each session. Which is anywhere from 5 (oral or hands) to 20 (sex)