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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have never said this about a post before honestly...But this one is obviously made up.[/quote]

OP here.  It's not.  It's my life.

I've been absorbing what people have asked and have said, and I've been in a really, really deep funk since yesterday because some of these responses are hitting the mark in a way that's pretty frightening.  And I hesitate to write more on the off-chance that I do have the courage to show the thread to him, though I am leaning against it.

The truth is, there could be a whole lot going on that I am unaware of.  I could drive myself crazy trying to monitor and find it.  He teleworks at least one day a week, sometimes more, and I typically go to bed by myself and he comes to bed later, so there could be a whole lot of internet activity that I would consider a violation of our commitment to each other.  Or it could be totally innocent.  I know he posts on discussion boards related to one of the podcasts he follows, and that's harmless.  But I haven't let myself get consumed by being a forensic computer detective.  If he wants to hide things from me, it would be very easy to do so.  But I don't think I have to dig too deep below the surface.  His reluctance to spend time with me is right on the top of the surface.

And then I read the posts from others who talk about their own anxieties and inability to shut down and relax...I know he experiences that at times.  And he creates OCD-like tasks to channel some of that excess energy, I think.  When we met he used to have some collections of things that were sort of an OCD-like pursuit; it's hard to explain without revealing too much, but they were very time consuming for him and ultimately more about the keeping busy than anything that he really valued.

When we were in premarital counseling, with a counselor that we ended up deciding was a quack, one thing she said did really hit the mark, I think -- she said that his ADD could be a real impediment to our relationship, because [b]he would go through phases of hyperfocus on me which would be very seductive, and then he would find something else to hyperfocus on and I would feel abandoned.[/b]  That's probably the most benign interpretation.  There have definitely been times when all the attention has been on me and on us, and I have felt very close to him.  And then it's like a switch is flipped and he disappears emotionally.  So there could be something to that.

Last night, after the baby went to bed, I looked outside and saw him in the garden and just took a shower and went to bed.  Doesn't seem like he missed me.  It's not much of a life, but, yeah, this is real.[/quote]

Wow, I feel for you. I'm sorry that poster accused you of being fake... I thought it was pretty obvious from the way you wrote about this that your situation and pain is real.

The part I bolded above might be key. From what I know about ADHD (which isn't a lot, but I suspect I might have it although I haven't been diagnosed), the ADHD person is easily distracted by every new interesting/shiny object. His podcasts are his current "shiny object" that he's hyperfocusing on. There wouldn't necessarily be anything wrong with that if he were single, but the degree to which he's doing it isn't compatible with being married to someone.

I think he really, really needs to understand how much this is hurting you, because it seems like he's taking you for granted right now. You probably need to do this with a counsellor. You can't really get rid of ADHD traits, but you can change behaviors, and I think (or at least hope) that he would change his behavior if he knew that not doing so would result in the loss of his marriage.[/quote]

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