When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical story. Married 10 years. Kids between 4-7 years old. Have tried everything to get wife in mood. She is happy 1-2 month. For the record, we haven't tried counselling, my wife doesn't see the need for it, she is happy with status quo, and truthfully I have no desire to make her have sex with me just to prevent a divorce.

I have found another women in a similar bind as me. I think we have total discretion. What I am trying to determine is if it is better to just divorce or to go for the affair and do my best to be at home being a good father and husband (perhaps better husband since I won't be sexually frustrated).

Understand some people are against affairs no matter what, but for those who have had them, was there a happy outcome that makes it worth it? Or should I just bite the bullet and get divorced.

Wife here who was in your boat, except that we did counselling because we had some issues in addition to sex. Counsellor gave us a path forward on the other issues. The sex issue never improved. When my kids were about your kids' age, I met a guy in your situation. He was crystal clear that he didn't want to leave his wife nor break up my marriage. He was absolutely fantastic in bed and became a good friend. That relationship lasted almost 8 years, and I never once wished I had gotten divorced instead. Now the younger of my kids is almost 17 and my sex drive has slowed down. I'm glad I didn't break up the family over my sexual needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other alternative is to do the right thing and be honest with her. Tell her you are unhappy with being sexually out of sync, can't take it any more, and want to go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship with another similarly married discreet partner.

Those are really the only two options for someone with integrity - open the marriage, or if she's not up for that, divorce. Cheating. lying, deceit, and putting time and energy to nurture your extramarital sex life, rather than your marriage, is never really going to "help" the marriage. Chances are it will come out eventually and destroy your kids' home anyway. Ask my STBX. That's how it played out in our home.

You should have put out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

Did you tell your DH that you didn't like sex before he married you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'd say if DW isn't willing to work things out, just go ahead with the affair. What's the worst that can happen? You get divorced.

The worst?

Lets see.

He has an affair on his wife which really hurts. I guess you'd have to be cheated on by someone you were married for many years to understand that hurt.

If the children find out, trust me.....they won't look at their father the same. Ever.

If his family finds out, chances are some of them with decent morals will resent him. I know if my brother did that to his wife, I'd have a huge problem with him. I wouldn't want him around the family.

But yea....the worst is only divorce LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely lots of women posting in this thread. Man here.

Your position is understandable, and seems like you've thought it through. I'd say if DW isn't willing to work things out, just go ahead with the affair. What's the worst that can happen? You get divorced. Well sounds like that will happen anyway.

Really make sure to compartmentalize. In my case, I have little contact with any mistresses when I'm at home (as in when I'm in the city where we live), other than an email every 1-2 months. They are living in other cities, and I see them when I'm in those cities on business.

OP here, this seems reasonable but admittedly it's also what I want to hear. I suppose that if I was thinking of divorce, then the worst that happens if I get caught cheating is....divorce. I should probably check with a family law attorney and see if that matters, I thought my state was no-fault. Anyway, I am happy to give her half of everything. She is a good mom, a good person and as a SAHM she needs to be financially taken care of till she can get established. We are good friends, just not good sexual partners.

We are financially blessed, so date nights etc come very regularly. We are both in good shape and attractive. I assume this is somewhat common, although I read somewhere that couples have sex 70 times a year on average, so we are certainly WAY below average. I was always told: "wait till the youngest is sleeping through the night, done breastfeeding, can walk, goes to pre-school, goes to school, and have tried to be patient. I know youngest is turning 5 soon so it seems clear that nothing is going to change (it's actually gotten worse). I don't feel like waiting till the kids are teenagers to see if I might have a real sexual relationship with my wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

OP here. I am sure it is wishful thinking but a part of me wonders whether my DW would understand if I had a purely sexual affair. She knows I am unhappy with sexual aspects - we have discussed it ad nauseum and frankly I am sick of making her feel bad about it. Our marriage otherwise works, so it seems so pointless to toss aside an otherwise healthy marriage just for lack of sex. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and how much she wishes she could be in the mood more but then we go a month without sex and the resentment overflows.

As a caveat, I can compartmentalize sex and emotions. But then again, seeing the other responses, I can see how bad it can go if discovered. Thanks for feedback.

You THINK you can, but this is before you've started the affair. Though you did mention that the other woman and you have already started commiserating, so there's a bond beginning to form. I only know of one friend who cheated, and it made her marriage worse from her perspective. She was always fantasizing about the other guy and getting angrier with her DH. She didn't leave because of the kids, but they are miserable. Everyone who is around them knows it, the kids know it. Besides, it will probably come out that you cheated, and how will you explain that to your kids? It will always look like 100% your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

OP here. Talking it out again is good in theory, but does it actually work? I mean, are there honestly people who have low libidos that had no idea their spouse was deeply unhappy with 1-2x per month sex despite multpile conversations in the past about it? Do you really want your spouse telling you "I will divorce you if you won't have more sex"? I can't imagine her low drive is going to naturally respond to the pressure of sex vs. divorce.

I am not trying to be flippant, she knows I am deeply unhappy about it, but probably doesn't realize I am seriously considering divorce. But if you know of someone who actually talked their way into a better sexual relationship, I am all ears.

Wife here again. If DH came to me and said we have to have more sex or I'm going to start divorce proceedings, I'd be very sad. But I would understand. Sex is part of a marriage. It's a part I don't like and I'm not every going to like it to the degree he does. It's not fair to him to not get his part of the deal. I might be able to muster up the willingness to have sex more often for a few months, but then I'd regress and we'd be right back where we are now. And I'm not sure how he would feel if he knew we were having sex just so he wouldn't divorce me. Whether or not I agree to have sex doesn't change if I WANT to have sex. At that point, I'd just be going through the motions.

Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.

I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

OP here. Talking it out again is good in theory, but does it actually work? I mean, are there honestly people who have low libidos that had no idea their spouse was deeply unhappy with 1-2x per month sex despite multpile conversations in the past about it? Do you really want your spouse telling you "I will divorce you if you won't have more sex"? I can't imagine her low drive is going to naturally respond to the pressure of sex vs. divorce.

I am not trying to be flippant, she knows I am deeply unhappy about it, but probably doesn't realize I am seriously considering divorce. But if you know of someone who actually talked their way into a better sexual relationship, I am all ears.

Wife here again. If DH came to me and said we have to have more sex or I'm going to start divorce proceedings, I'd be very sad. But I would understand. Sex is part of a marriage. It's a part I don't like and I'm not every going to like it to the degree he does. It's not fair to him to not get his part of the deal. I might be able to muster up the willingness to have sex more often for a few months, but then I'd regress and we'd be right back where we are now. And I'm not sure how he would feel if he knew we were having sex just so he wouldn't divorce me. Whether or not I agree to have sex doesn't change if I WANT to have sex. At that point, I'd just be going through the motions.

Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

OP here, I know this sounds like rationalization, but there is a part of me that thinks a discreet affair is kinder to my DW than pushing forward with a divorce. She is a SAHM, she says she is happy in the marriage. Isn't it better to find a way to pull this off and still be a good husband and father? Would she really want her world blown apart, have to be one of the few divorced women in the mom's club, etc. just so I can be "honest" with her? Seems like one way to look at this is a discreet affair is easier to her than it would be to me to the the "right" thing and divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

There are seriously men out there that don't want to have sex with their wives?

What are their reasoning?

I can see if DW gained a lot of weight and isn't sexy anymore. But if DW stayed in decent shape and had a high sex drive, why the hell wouldn't a man not want to be in his DW all the time?

As a man I can't imagine not having a sex drive. That would scare me and I'd be at the Dr. quick fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

I'd cherish you. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.

I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

Well, we don't understand you. So. . . .what? People are different. People change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

There are seriously men out there that don't want to have sex with their wives?

What are their reasoning?

I can see if DW gained a lot of weight and isn't sexy anymore. But if DW stayed in decent shape and had a high sex drive, why the hell wouldn't a man not want to be in his DW all the time?

As a man I can't imagine not having a sex drive. That would scare me and I'd be at the Dr. quick fast.

We met when he was in his late 20s. After the first six months of our relationship, sex every 5 or 6 days, once, was enough for him. I was trying to be a "good girl" and not make him think I was a nympho, but marrying material. So what happened? We did get married and our sex life never got frequent or beyond vanilla. I should have married a guy who wanted and loved my wild side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

I'd cherish you. Seriously.

Damn, wish I could let you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, this seems reasonable but admittedly it's also what I want to hear. I suppose that if I was thinking of divorce, then the worst that happens if I get caught cheating is....divorce. I should probably check with a family law attorney and see if that matters, I thought my state was no-fault. Anyway, I am happy to give her half of everything. She is a good mom, a good person and as a SAHM she needs to be financially taken care of till she can get established. We are good friends, just not good sexual partners.

14:18 man here.

Yes, the optoins seem to be:
1. Do nothing, end up divorced. You end up unhappy, spouse ends up unhappy.
2. Have affair, stay married. You end up happy, spouse ends up happy (maybe).
3. Have affair, spouse finds out and doesn't like it, get divorced. You end up unhappy (or maybe happy), spouse ends up unhappy.

Yes, the risk with #3 is that your kids, friends, etc look down on you for cheating. You know your spouse and others well enough to figure out the risk and falllout from this. I know if my DW found out, she'd be hurt but we wouldn't divorce. She's a very rational person, and we'd stay together or work out an arrangement that's best for our kids. Besides, who will have better luck after divorce on the dating market -- a 45-year old single mother, or a 45-year old single father?