H is not happy with sex only once a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.

This made me lol

I would say it beats doing it yourself but don't know if it quite counts. Maybe 3 HJ = 1 sex or bj

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.

Define handjob.

If you, the wife, are jerking it like he does, it's awful.

Instead, use saliva or oil and slowly massage him to orgasm. Don't ever speed up.

If you're thinking you don't have time for that, *you* are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people think it is so easy to have sex when you have no desire to?

Because it is. DW here and unless you have a medical condition, as a woman, if you put enough lube in and aren't required to go for 2 hours with sexual gymnastics or be super active/in charge, the act should be fairly physically easy.

Your DH indicated he is unhappy with frequency/he will stray if that continues. Look, your choices are simple - either decide saving your marriage is not worth the extra effort to put into more frequent sex (or decide you are fine with open marriage) OR have sex more often. Only you know how good a husband DH is and how much you want to preserve the marriage, but if he is worth the extra effort, look at it this way - if once or twice more a week, 10-15 minutes each (because, once again, you don't need to have a Tantric fest every time) will save your marriage, 30 minutes/week is a small investment to pay for that.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, keep in mind that there is a difference between maintenance sex and hating him with your vagina.

In the former, maybe you are doing something relatively pleasant that you're not hugely in the mood for. But, you do what you can to think sexy thoughts and have 10-15 minutes of unremarkable sex. Not a problem if you have actual good sex a couple times a month.

In the latter, you are laying there inert and despise him, his penis, and his need for sex. That's soul crushing for both of you and will ensure that good sex becomes rare or impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not married so I do not know what is the "norm" when it comes to married sex, but what bothers me here is that your husband is basically handling this all the wrong way.

He is giving you an ultimatum, saying he will go looking for sex outside the marriage if you do not have more sex w/him which is in a sense, going against his marital vows to you. It seems like he is manipulating you w/a power trip + this is not going to solve the problem. In fact, it may have the opposite effect on things, it may even make the situation much worse.

What needs to be addressed here is why you are not willing to have more intimate relations w/your spouse. There is something going on w/you deep down, whether it be emotional or physical, I strongly suggest you seek outside assistance to determine just what could be making you feel this way.

Your husband should be patient as well as supportive of you as you try to figure out what exactly is bothering you now.

Instead he is playing mind games w/your emotions and making it all about him.

Perhaps the problem lies within your home. Perhaps it is your husband. Maybe you just do not like him as a person anymore (who could blame you?!) and that is carrying into the bedroom.....

Not necessarily. My husband is the lower drive one. He simply doesn't want sex as much as I do. Sometimes it really is just as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Any indication that he maybe has already strayed? Or that someone else may have reignited his drive?

Yes, this. He's setting you up for failure and giving himself an excuse to leave for his new plaything. His sex drive didn't kick in overnight with no reason.

This is a dumb response. His sex drive never waned. He's stuck with a dead fish. Probably tired of spanking it to porn out of necessity. If he were happy with a side piece, there'd be no threat.

I am very conservative in my beliefs, but seriously, if one spouse has a much lower sex drive than the other, what is wrong with allowing them to have a lover outside the marriage as long as that lover is not a threat to the marriage ending? My friends and family would be shocked if they knew I felt this way, but you only live once and if expressing yourself sexually with another person is of importance, why should that person be denied?

+1

I agree, I'm a very low drive wife. I really could care less if I ever have sex. However, when my husband initiates, I never say no. But I never initiate. I am ok with him having sex with other women as long as it it just sex, and it works for us. He tells me when he does it, and it's not a big deal to me. I don't think men were really built to be monogamous. Other than that, he's a great dad and husband. I think people make too much of a big deal about monogamy.

It's easy when you don't love your husband sexually. I can't believe you're okay with him telling you about it. You don't ever get jealous? You never want to have sex with anyone? How old are you? Have you always been this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here with very high sex drive who has had this issue w DW for a long time.

My take: you are both wrong. He is a douche for threatening to stray. You, OTOH, have to also compromise. My own DW is lucky I've neither strayed nor left, but I've also never given an ultimatum (though she's hinted that she would be OK with me fucking someone on the side purely for sex, not in our house -- IMO the day that happens the marriage is over regardless).

You both have to move on this IMO.

Don't discount the outside relationship possibility. I'm a very high drive wife who has an outside relationship. That relationship saved my marriage because now I'm not chronically cranky, and have no unrealistic expectations on the romance side. My spouse and I are good friends, and good at dealing with kids and logistics. Husband thinks sex is work and he's happy with 3X a month. 3X a week would be my bare minimum. I have no desire to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here with very high sex drive who has had this issue w DW for a long time.

My take: you are both wrong. He is a douche for threatening to stray. You, OTOH, have to also compromise. My own DW is lucky I've neither strayed nor left, but I've also never given an ultimatum (though she's hinted that she would be OK with me fucking someone on the side purely for sex, not in our house -- IMO the day that happens the marriage is over regardless).

You both have to move on this IMO.

Don't discount the outside relationship possibility. I'm a very high drive wife who has an outside relationship. That relationship saved my marriage because now I'm not chronically cranky, and have no unrealistic expectations on the romance side. My spouse and I are good friends, and good at dealing with kids and logistics. Husband thinks sex is work and he's happy with 3X a month. 3X a week would be my bare minimum. I have no desire to divorce.

Thus proving my statement before... A side piece generally means there's no threat of divorce (from the person cheating). They're finally getting the quality/frequency of sex they have been desiring and can now treat their spouse in a reciprocal manner (as in, treating them like a roommate) without feeling angry or cranky at them.

[Anonymous]

I find it sad how many people on here seem to think it's okay to drive your husband away because he wants sex.

Sex isn't a power play in a relationship. It's something you give freely out of love and desire. It's a gift of intimacy that you give to your partner, but not one that you wield over their heads because they did to help you do the dishes or bathe the kids. It's an experience that is shared mutually. You don't lose by giving it.

It also doesn't require you to be in the rare mood that happens when Venus aligns with Pluto on a Saturday during the equinox and it happened to be the day he trailed petals of flowers in hall all the way to the perfectly filled and candlelit bubble bath. It only requires you wanting to give to your partner something only you can give them (well, alternative lifestyles notwithstanding). It requires you wanting to connect on a level that you don't share with anyone else on the planet. .. One that has no secrets, no shame, and is purely about pleasure.

OP, this man is saying that he finds YOU to be the most beautiful, erotic thing he sets his eyes on. He wants to pleasure you, and have you pleasure him. He doesn't want you to just be the gal who makes his lunch and does his laundry. What is he negative in that AT ALL? You turn him in, and he wants to express that WITH YOU.

Things have been lean because of career absences, etc. maybe the pressures are off now. Enjoy it. He considers you to be a hot thing that he wants to get it on with. So get it on, before he turns that energy elsewhere and you are just the sandwich maker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.

Define handjob.

If you, the wife, are jerking it like he does, it's awful.

Instead, use saliva or oil and slowly massage him to orgasm. Don't ever speed up.

If you're thinking you don't have time for that, *you* are the problem.

Lou Paget has excellent advice on giving extremely good hand-jobs in her books. She really upped my game. (She's also really easy to read. Explicit, but in a WASPy way.)

http://www.amazon.com/How-Great-Lover-Lou-Paget/dp/0767902874/ref=la_B000OLTITO_1_3/192-7280282-8049438?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404745811&sr=1-3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it sad how many people on here seem to think it's okay to drive your husband away because he wants sex.

Sex isn't a power play in a relationship. It's something you give freely out of love and desire. It's a gift of intimacy that you give to your partner, but not one that you wield over their heads because they did to help you do the dishes or bathe the kids. It's an experience that is shared mutually. You don't lose by giving it.

It also doesn't require you to be in the rare mood that happens when Venus aligns with Pluto on a Saturday during the equinox and it happened to be the day he trailed petals of flowers in hall all the way to the perfectly filled and candlelit bubble bath. It only requires you wanting to give to your partner something only you can give them (well, alternative lifestyles notwithstanding). It requires you wanting to connect on a level that you don't share with anyone else on the planet. .. One that has no secrets, no shame, and is purely about pleasure.

OP, this man is saying that he finds YOU to be the most beautiful, erotic thing he sets his eyes on. He wants to pleasure you, and have you pleasure him. He doesn't want you to just be the gal who makes his lunch and does his laundry. What is he negative in that AT ALL? You turn him in, and he wants to express that WITH YOU.

Things have been lean because of career absences, etc. maybe the pressures are off now. Enjoy it. He considers you to be a hot thing that he wants to get it on with. So get it on, before he turns that energy elsewhere and you are just the sandwich maker.

Sex easily turns into a power play issue when the two partners have miss-matched libidos. It's not uncommon.

My DH would have sex twice a day, every day. I don't find pleasure in that. My libido doesn't refresh that quickly. I want it once a week, max.

If I am not feeling it, he can go down on me for hours and do whatever I like best and I don't find pleasure in it. It's annoying, not pleasant. I just want to smack him and say "STOP TOUCHING ME!" An hour or more of annoying physical contact every day is NOT good for intimacy in a relationship, either.

So... we compromise. We have intercourse once a week, I provide him with a loving assist (blow job, hand job) a couple of times a week.

[Anonymous]

questions to women that acknowledge that they are "low drive" - how would you react if your DH asked for an open marriage? how many would be offended? how many would assume that he is cheating already? would him just asking be enough to hurt you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:questions to women that acknowledge that they are "low drive" - how would you react if your DH asked for an open marriage? how many would be offended? how many would assume that he is cheating already? would him just asking be enough to hurt you?

I'm low drive and in an open marriage. We've been open for the entire marriage. We just never closed the relationship. We were dating long-distance and then moved in together and got married really quickly.

I'm fine with him seeing people outside the relationship. He currently sees someone once or twice a week. I find it SUPER-annoying when he bitches about the frequency of sex with me, though. I say "You can get what you want elsewhere. Go find it." He says I'm his favorite partner and he wants sex with me more often. Ugh. Being open doesn't solve this problem.

[Anonymous]

Of course it doesn't fix it. You're still rejecting your spouse.

[Anonymous]

i would seek counseling or seek divorce. it's pretty rotten to threaten to stray when unhappy with sex life. obviously, if you're ok with him straying, let him; if you're ok with more sex, do that.