H is not happy with sex only once a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any indication that he maybe has already strayed? Or that someone else may have reignited his drive?

Yes, this. He's setting you up for failure and giving himself an excuse to leave for his new plaything. His sex drive didn't kick in overnight with no reason.

This is a dumb response. His sex drive never waned. He's stuck with a dead fish. Probably tired of spanking it to porn out of necessity. If he were happy with a side piece, there'd be no threat.

I am very conservative in my beliefs, but seriously, if one spouse has a much lower sex drive than the other, what is wrong with allowing them to have a lover outside the marriage as long as that lover is not a threat to the marriage ending? My friends and family would be shocked if they knew I felt this way, but you only live once and if expressing yourself sexually with another person is of importance, why should that person be denied?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people think it is so easy to have sex when you have no desire to?

The question is why doesn't she have more desire, and why does he suddenly have more. Aside from the few people saying just do it more, the issue, as a PP addressed, is why has this situation arisen. As they also indicated, there's no way to know what happened to change the dynamic, so the thread turns into a man v woman thing; he a jerk, she's frigid. The solution to the conflict clearly lay in it's genesis, and until OP clarifies that, she's just looking for moral support.

I guarantee he doesn't suddenly want it more. Maybe he's hit a realization he's getting older. Maybe he doesn't want ED by the time his wife is ready to have more sex. Nobody is guaranteed to be healthy enough for sex their entire lives and it's a shame to waste the healthy years with a sexual dud. Honestly.

This is basically the dynamic that led to me rocking the boat in our increasingly sexless marriage. I didn't threaten infidelity or anything ham-fisted like that. But, when the sex dropped off steeply as my wife was pregnant and then with little kids, I didn't say anything because I figured that would be selfish -- pregnancy is hard, little kids are hard. But when our youngest was 6 and in school and the sex didn't get any more frequent, I told my wife I was unhappy about that. In the short term, I think that conversation made our sex life even worse because now she felt like she was being pressured into sex and that made her feel even less sexy. But, longer term, it's helped somewhat - I got a vasectomy, she got her hormonal IUD out. Intellectually, she thinks we ought to be having sex at least once a week. As a practical matter, that's the high end with most months being 2-3 times. And she seems to enjoy those times more than she was when it was a once a month event -- her enjoyment might come from me not being as much of a passive aggressive, grumpy piece of shit because I was only getting laid once a month and felt like I was an asshole for bringing it up.

My renewed sense of urgency had to do with aging - along with the fact that I'd let *plenty* of time go by due to respect for the difficulties of pregnancy and toddlers. Probably I will hit an age where sex becomes physically much more difficult. I want to get some good sex in before that happens. Fortunately for us, I'm not crazy high drive either -- I think 2x per week would be ideal for me. If we can hit her stated 1/week goal - with good, non-quickie sessions twice a month - I'll be pretty content.

Obviously I can't speak to OP's husband's state of mind. I think he crossed a line with the "I'll cheat" threat. But that ought to be at least a nagging, if unstated, concern of every spouse who isn't inclined to make efforts to accommodate their husband or wife's unmet, higher sex drive.

It would be better to fix it now than late. If it lingers on, then all the resentments and angers will set in if not already, which will make it even harder to fix it down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Add in a quickie one way - once or twice a week. Save the full on no holes barred for once a week.

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any indication that he maybe has already strayed? Or that someone else may have reignited his drive?

Yes, this. He's setting you up for failure and giving himself an excuse to leave for his new plaything. His sex drive didn't kick in overnight with no reason.

I tend to agree. Curious if either of the pps are male?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any indication that he maybe has already strayed? Or that someone else may have reignited his drive?

Yes, this. He's setting you up for failure and giving himself an excuse to leave for his new plaything. His sex drive didn't kick in overnight with no reason.

This is a dumb response. His sex drive never waned. He's stuck with a dead fish. Probably tired of spanking it to porn out of necessity. If he were happy with a side piece, there'd be no threat.

I am very conservative in my beliefs, but seriously, if one spouse has a much lower sex drive than the other, what is wrong with allowing them to have a lover outside the marriage as long as that lover is not a threat to the marriage ending? My friends and family would be shocked if they knew I felt this way, but you only live once and if expressing yourself sexually with another person is of importance, why should that person be denied?

+1

I agree, I'm a very low drive wife. I really could care less if I ever have sex. However, when my husband initiates, I never say no. But I never initiate. I am ok with him having sex with other women as long as it it just sex, and it works for us. He tells me when he does it, and it's not a big deal to me. I don't think men were really built to be monogamous. Other than that, he's a great dad and husband. I think people make too much of a big deal about monogamy.

[Anonymous]

DH here with very high sex drive who has had this issue w DW for a long time.

My take: you are both wrong. He is a douche for threatening to stray. You, OTOH, have to also compromise. My own DW is lucky I've neither strayed nor left, but I've also never given an ultimatum (though she's hinted that she would be OK with me fucking someone on the side purely for sex, not in our house -- IMO the day that happens the marriage is over regardless).

You both have to move on this IMO.

[Anonymous]

This will sound horribly sexist and outdated, but really - you need to service him more, let him have a lover, or get the hell out.

Sex is one of those things that you may just have to put on your chore list like vacuuming. I can sure as heck tell you that I am never in the mood for vacuuming, but I do it anyway. Ditto dishes, scrubbing toilets, and cleaning up after the dog. Sometimes, I don't feel like sex, but I go along because it's what my DH needs to feel loved. And even if I don't start off in he mood, I'm usually the one orgasming first. And if I don't, it still way better than scrubbing the floor.

The thing about sex is once you have it regularly, you generally want more. A dry spell can be broken, or pattens can be changed with just a little bit of compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here with very high sex drive who has had this issue w DW for a long time.

My take: you are both wrong. He is a douche for threatening to stray. You, OTOH, have to also compromise. My own DW is lucky I've neither strayed nor left, but I've also never given an ultimatum (though she's hinted that she would be OK with me fucking someone on the side purely for sex, not in our house -- IMO the day that happens the marriage is over regardless).

You both have to move on this IMO.

That is my feeling. Whether it is cheating or my wife told me to get serviced by someone else, doing either would break pieces of the marriage bond and have a domino effect.

[Anonymous]

Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.

Since you brought this up...

Pro:
1. A good handjob is off the chart amazing. Self-service can't even come close.
2. The giver can decide how long the HJ lasts, and so the giver can make it a quick one or drawn out depending on her (or his!) mood.
3. It can, hopefully, get the otherwise uninterested giver wildly horny.
4. It's nice once in a while to sit back, relax, and let your flight crew take care of everything.

Con:
1. Handjobs don't have the same level of intimacy as sex, so they don't entirely serve the same purpose.
2. Most men (most) need to give something back to the giver; or at least reciprocate at another time. If the giver doesn't become the receiver on occasion, it places physical intimacy in a tenuous position.
3. Relative to 1. above, a bad handjob is like using a belt sander on your dong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any indication that he maybe has already strayed? Or that someone else may have reignited his drive?

Yes, this. He's setting you up for failure and giving himself an excuse to leave for his new plaything. His sex drive didn't kick in overnight with no reason.

This is a dumb response. His sex drive never waned. He's stuck with a dead fish. Probably tired of spanking it to porn out of necessity. If he were happy with a side piece, there'd be no threat.

I am very conservative in my beliefs, but seriously, if one spouse has a much lower sex drive than the other, what is wrong with allowing them to have a lover outside the marriage as long as that lover is not a threat to the marriage ending? My friends and family would be shocked if they knew I felt this way, but you only live once and if expressing yourself sexually with another person is of importance, why should that person be denied?

+1

I agree, I'm a very low drive wife. I really could care less if I ever have sex. However, when my husband initiates, I never say no. But I never initiate. I am ok with him having sex with other women as long as it it just sex, and it works for us. He tells me when he does it, and it's not a big deal to me. I don't think men were really built to be monogamous. Other than that, he's a great dad and husband. I think people make too much of a big deal about monogamy.

Problem is, feelings of some kind usually develop unless he is visiting a call girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.

Since you brought this up...


Con:
1. Handjobs don't have the same level of intimacy as sex, so they don't entirely serve the same purpose.



I beg to differ. I love giving a proper handjob. I lay between DH's legs, so I can watch, look into his eyes, and give him a show. It's a delicious way to make him feel good, even if I'm on my period or just because. You can make it as sexy or intimate as you want. If you're just laying side by side, watching Survivor, then no - a handjob is not very intimate.

I've had all out sex with guys and had it not be anything more than a mechanical fuck. When I give DH a handjob, it's as invested in intimacy as if we have intercourse. Sometimes more so. It's all about the way you approach it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids or some other reason you would force yourself to deal with this bullshit?

Get a lawyer and get the F out of there.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs who say it sounds like he may have already cheated, but if you don't think that's the issue OP, then I'd ask myself what DH and I could do to make it appealing to have sex more often. I have plenty of ideas of what would make me want it more, so if DH really felt he needed it more often, I'd have some suggestions to offer that would make it a win win for both of us, not just a chore for me. I think the "just put out" posters aren't being very creative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure he thinks a "hand job" is sex. I used this to up our frequency, only to find out DH didn't count it, remained pissed.

Since you brought this up...

Pro:
1. A good handjob is off the chart amazing. Self-service can't even come close.
2. The giver can decide how long the HJ lasts, and so the giver can make it a quick one or drawn out depending on her (or his!) mood.
3. It can, hopefully, get the otherwise uninterested giver wildly horny.
4. It's nice once in a while to sit back, relax, and let your flight crew take care of everything.

Con:
1. Handjobs don't have the same level of intimacy as sex, so they don't entirely serve the same purpose.
2. Most men (most) need to give something back to the giver; or at least reciprocate at another time. If the giver doesn't become the receiver on occasion, it places physical intimacy in a tenuous position.
3. Relative to 1. above, a bad handjob is like using a belt sander on your dong.

A nice BJ counts. I don't think a handy does though.