SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. He should worry about me leaving him. And, I make sure some money dissapears into an account every month.

But, neither of us is worried. I am just prepared.

Me, too. I'm (DH) actually the one with a financial/earning capacity advantage over my DH and I am well aware of how screwed he'd be if I left him. When you have that kind of imbalance in the relationship, I don't see how it could not be a worry unless you were naive. There's no way I would ever feel comfortable being financially dependent on my spouse.

I'm DW. Sorry. This is why you shouldn't DCUM without coffee.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my early 40s and seem to have a ton of friends whose marriages have broken up lately who were SAHMs. They are all now in serious financial trouble and all seem to really regret their decision way back when to stay home with the kids. So I guess I kind of wonder this too but more from the other end - what were these women thinking giving up their earning power entirely and relying on a man 100% for income? Especially if they weren't happily married.

I'm happily married myself but I still wouldn't give up my income to rely on someone else for money. My parents are divorced when I was a kid and I can't imagine how awful it would have been if my mother had not had her own income.

Of course now we're talking about my DH becoming a SAHD temporarily so there's that. But he would only do this for a short period of time before starting up his career again.

I guess from talking to my divording friends I just can't help wondering why they gave up their jobs so willingly. Some of them even had part time gigs which they gave up.

Not saying no one should do it. Some of the PPs who come from wealthy backgrounds and have inherited lots of money seem to have a big financial safety net to fall back on if things go south so more power to them. But I don't get my friends who act like they never thought about the fact that their marriage might fall apart when they quit their jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am always surprised how much confidence women who have quit work have that their husbands are really going to stay married to them. With the divorce rate around 50%, I'd have to be a total lunatic to make myself so dependent on him. SAHMs, do you ever have doubts or anxiety about this?

I worry more about death and disability. We have enough for both of us to have a decent retirement- separately. We have enough equity in our house that I could buy a 2/3 bedroom townhouse with half of the proceeds. Finances would not be my issue, the emotional wallop would be the biggest challenge for me and that would happen regardless of my working status.

As others have said, the chance of divorce isn't the same for everyone. Factors that reduce our chance of divorce: married at 30 and 33, both of us had parent with intact and loving marriages lasting over 50 years, we are educated, we have children, we have been married 20 years, we are active members in our Congregation, our marriage is sturdy and we work as a team. The main factor that increases our chances (statistically) is having two children with special needs which is the reason we have a sahp.

I do see myself as dependent on my partner- but that didn't change when I stopped working to sah. He is also dependent on me. It is part of marriage to be dependent on each other. I lean on him and he leans on me and we are able to be stronger together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I was raised by a single mom who worked all the time and I lived in poverty. I've lived that life so why fear it. I am enjoying being a SAHM who has a husband who is willing to work hard for his family and I have lots of time for my kids. I am living a life I only dreamed of as a child. I don't fear being poor when I have already been poor.

Assuming your mom was loving to you, I hope you tell her how much you appreciate how hard she worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

This is absolutely NOT true. Working moms are still entitled to half the estate acquired during marriage, but they also have immediate income (how long do you think it would take to "rebuild" after being out of the workforce for several years? Also just a college degree in this town doesn't cut it when you are competing with people who have graduate degrees from top unis), health insurance, retirement savings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

but you don't get to be a SAHM forever. You don't get to have him support you and your kids until they are 18. Alimony is meant to be temporary and transitional. So you will have to go back to work and support yourself. Child support would then be recalculated as a percentage of the two incomes.

Unless he agrees to support you forever in the divorce agreement....

[Anonymous]

I'm a WOHM, but I agree with the PP. Everyone focuses on divorce but if one partner stays home, she actually will make out better financially in a divorce than the woman who works. Well, for a few years until alimony runs out.

Really, though, the bigger issues happens if he CAN'T work. Even if he's just out of work for a while. My Mother went to work when my Dad lost his job and they didn't know what to do. So, that's how I was raised. Not "Oh your husband could leave you", which makes people defensive, but "what if your husband can't work?", which is just a legitimate question.

Still, you will never win an argument with a SAHM about whether she should work or not. The fact is, she doesn't agree with you. "I made a choice for my family" is her telling you that you made the other choice. If your choice were the correct one to her, she'd have made it. On the other hand, you are saying the same thing....that working is the "right" choice. It's not a discussion worth having and the point of asking the question is just so that you'll be able to stand on a high horse.

I've been working part-time for years, but I'm going back full-time. People who stayed home thought it was awful my children were in daycare. People who worked thought it was awful that I didn't put more into my career. There is no "win" here. Now that I'm going back full-time I'm hearing about how stupid that is from people. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

This is absolutely NOT true. Working moms are still entitled to half the estate acquired during marriage, but they also have immediate income (how long do you think it would take to "rebuild" after being out of the workforce for several years? Also just a college degree in this town doesn't cut it when you are competing with people who have graduate degrees from top unis), health insurance, retirement savings, etc.

I agree with you that a College Degree and old experience means very little. SAHMs are very naive about this. Of course, you can fine exceptions to this, and they'll hold onto those for dear life.

But, SAHMs do get better settlements in a divorce. I've know people who have gone through it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a WOHM, but I agree with the PP. Everyone focuses on divorce but if one partner stays home, she actually will make out better financially in a divorce than the woman who works. Well, for a few years until alimony runs out.

Really, though, the bigger issues happens if he CAN'T work. Even if he's just out of work for a while. My Mother went to work when my Dad lost his job and they didn't know what to do. So, that's how I was raised. Not "Oh your husband could leave you", which makes people defensive, but "what if your husband can't work?", which is just a legitimate question.

Still, you will never win an argument with a SAHM about whether she should work or not. The fact is, she doesn't agree with you. "I made a choice for my family" is her telling you that you made the other choice. If your choice were the correct one to her, she'd have made it. On the other hand, you are saying the same thing....that working is the "right" choice. It's not a discussion worth having and the point of asking the question is just so that you'll be able to stand on a high horse.

I've been working part-time for years, but I'm going back full-time. People who stayed home thought it was awful my children were in daycare. People who worked thought it was awful that I didn't put more into my career. There is no "win" here. Now that I'm going back full-time I'm hearing about how stupid that is from people. Ugh.

Why do you all think a woman makes out better in a divorce if she doesn't work??? Sure, she might temporarily get alimony, but it doesn't last forever. And meanwhile you have to rebuild your career, taking a lower salary and a much lower quality of life after the alimony runs out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

This is absolutely NOT true. Working moms are still entitled to half the estate acquired during marriage, but they also have immediate income (how long do you think it would take to "rebuild" after being out of the workforce for several years? Also just a college degree in this town doesn't cut it when you are competing with people who have graduate degrees from top unis), health insurance, retirement savings, etc.

You are absolutely right. I will return to work right away. I'm not sure how we would pay for daycare and hopefully I can somehow get my older one to and from school. Oh and afford to have someone clean the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

This is absolutely NOT true. Working moms are still entitled to half the estate acquired during marriage, but they also have immediate income (how long do you think it would take to "rebuild" after being out of the workforce for several years? Also just a college degree in this town doesn't cut it when you are competing with people who have graduate degrees from top unis), health insurance, retirement savings, etc.

I agree with you that a College Degree and old experience means very little. SAHMs are very naive about this. Of course, you can fine exceptions to this, and they'll hold onto those for dear life.

But, SAHMs do get better settlements in a divorce. I've know people who have gone through it both ways.

Again, not true *in the long run.* SAHMs get alimony for a few years with the assumption that they will re-enter the work force, especially if the SAHM has a college degree. The era of forever alimony is long, long gone.

[Anonymous]

I don't worry about divorce because we are happily married, and there are plenty of other more pressing things to worry about than about whether a good, happy marriage might eventually end in divorce.

If it happened, it would be terrible, primarily because of how terrible it would be for my children emotionally, and how broken-hearted I would be over the loss of my husband, who is my best friend. The financial implications pale in comparison to how sad I would be over the break-up of my family.

In the meantime, I am not about to be sad NOW, working in a job I don't currently need when I would rather be at home with my small children, just because something sad might happen in the future.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like prenups are in order. If one spouse sacrifices their career and future earning potential to be a homemaker, they need to be compensated for the possible lost future earnings. Doesn't matter if the stay at home spouse is male or female.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

This is absolutely NOT true. Working moms are still entitled to half the estate acquired during marriage, but they also have immediate income (how long do you think it would take to "rebuild" after being out of the workforce for several years? Also just a college degree in this town doesn't cut it when you are competing with people who have graduate degrees from top unis), health insurance, retirement savings, etc.

I agree with you that a College Degree and old experience means very little. SAHMs are very naive about this. Of course, you can fine exceptions to this, and they'll hold onto those for dear life.

But, SAHMs do get better settlements in a divorce. I've know people who have gone through it both ways.

Again, not true *in the long run.* SAHMs get alimony for a few years with the assumption that they will re-enter the work force, especially if the SAHM has a college degree. The era of forever alimony is long, long gone.

I am ok with this. If I got a divorce I would eventually return to work. I get that. I know if would be awful for a long time. I am willing to sacrifice that. When I left my career I knew that that was a possibility. I know that just having a degree is not competitive enough in this economy. I talked to my attorney about what happens when I divorce and went over and over various possibilities. Remember the SAHM can also ask for a divorce. I have a lot of SAHM friends, they have also done the research before leaving their careers as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like prenups are in order. If one spouse sacrifices their career and future earning potential to be a homemaker, they need to be compensated for the possible lost future earnings. Doesn't matter if the stay at home spouse is male or female.

+1