SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

but you don't get to be a SAHM forever. You don't get to have him support you and your kids until they are 18. Alimony is meant to be temporary and transitional. So you will have to go back to work and support yourself. Child support would then be recalculated as a percentage of the two incomes.

Unless he agrees to support you forever in the divorce agreement....

Okay. I have seen this scenario play out many times. And the women have all been fine. Most haven't kept their same standard of living, but neither have the men, as they split the assets and had to pay alimony and child support for a period of time. Whether both people work or not, divorce is expensive. Running two households is generally more expensive than running one. Most of the SAHMs I know around this area are well educated, have assets of their own and aren't stupid. Most will be ok if their husbands leave. I know you want these women to be devastated because it makes you feel better, but that just isn't the case with upper middle and upper class women who get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If we divorce I will get a lot more money as a SAHM. It's the working moms with their own salary who really get screwed in a divorce.

This is true. I believe after you are married for 7 years you get half of his retirement. I also have a college degree and work experience to rebuild if need be.

but you don't get to be a SAHM forever. You don't get to have him support you and your kids until they are 18. Alimony is meant to be temporary and transitional. So you will have to go back to work and support yourself. Child support would then be recalculated as a percentage of the two incomes.

Unless he agrees to support you forever in the divorce agreement....

Okay. I have seen this scenario play out many times. And the women have all been fine. Most haven't kept their same standard of living, but neither have the men, as they split the assets and had to pay alimony and child support for a period of time. Whether both people work or not, divorce is expensive. Running two households is generally more expensive than running one. Most of the SAHMs I know around this area are well educated, have assets of their own and aren't stupid. Most will be ok if their husbands leave. I know you want these women to be devastated because it makes you feel better, but that just isn't the case with upper middle and upper class women who get divorced.

I have seen this as well. I would also add that the only times I have seen both ex-partners maintain a lifestyle close to their former is in when there was a sahp. It is because the dual WOHP needed both their salaries to maintain their house/style prior to divorce and income doesn't change much post divorce. OTOH, when a SAHP goes back to work it increases the total income- in some of these cases I have seen the formerly SAHP keep the family home and the ex buy around the corner- because now with two salaries they can afford to maintain their previous SOL. It is far from a guarantee, and it isn't the norm- but it happens.

[Anonymous]

I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

[Anonymous]

^^ what if they just don't want to work and their husbands are ok with that? Your mother's situation could have been solved by insurance.

[Anonymous]

You know - anything can happen to anyone - your wealthy successful dh (or dw) can get charged with insider trading, leaving you with a mountain of legal debt.

[Anonymous]

When a man expresses an opinion that is critical about women, that's not "mansplaining."

[Anonymous]

And some of you ladies angrily guard your right to choose between a life of being a SAHM or a WOHM, but you know that most of you would not allow your husbands to make such a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

We always had someone at home, even with both parents working. My mother took the night shift at the hospital, so she was home in the late afternoon when we kids came home from school - usually around 5 pm - and my father was usually home by 7pm when she left for work. They also coordinated weekends around his reserve flight schedule once or twice a month.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And some of you ladies angrily guard your right to choose between a life of being a SAHM or a WOHM, but you know that most of you would not allow your husbands to make such a choice.

I would. When we were deciding what to do, we discussed additional childcare, me staying home and him staying home. He quickly said he had no desire to stay home. He left it up to me about whether I would quit or we would hire additional childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And some of you ladies angrily guard your right to choose between a life of being a SAHM or a WOHM, but you know that most of you would not allow your husbands to make such a choice.

We had that very conversation prior to my being at home full time. One of the options was for both of us to work reduced hours and he did not want to do that. I would have worked three days and he would have worked 4 days- as that is what was available at each of our employers. We went through all the available options and chose what seemed to work best amongst them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And some of you ladies angrily guard your right to choose between a life of being a SAHM or a WOHM, but you know that most of you would not allow your husbands to make such a choice.

I would. When we were deciding what to do, we discussed additional childcare, me staying home and him staying home. He quickly said he had no desire to stay home. He left it up to me about whether I would quit or we would hire additional childcare.

+1 this was us too. I gave DH the option. He chose to work because he darn well knows being a SAHP to ES or younger kids is no walk in the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And some of you ladies angrily guard your right to choose between a life of being a SAHM or a WOHM, but you know that most of you would not allow your husbands to make such a choice.

Uhmmm...I'm the PP who just said above that we're thinking of having my DH be a SAHD for a few years in the near future. There are more and more of us women who would "allow" our husbands to make such a choice. Actually, in our case, we're making this choice together as a couple as it works best for us and our family, but whatever. I have several friends and colleagues whose husbands are also SAHDs.

[Anonymous]

We always had someone at home, even with both parents working. My mother took the night shift at the hospital, so she was home in the late afternoon when we kids came home from school - usually around 5 pm - and my father was usually home by 7pm when she left for work. They also coordinated weekends around his reserve flight schedule once or twice a month.

Got that, ladies? This helpful person has your family's solution all figured out. No excuses. Everyone has to work for pay. What's that you say? You don't need the money and your SAH situation works for your family? TOO BAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And some of you ladies angrily guard your right to choose between a life of being a SAHM or a WOHM, but you know that most of you would not allow your husbands to make such a choice.

I would. When we were deciding what to do, we discussed additional childcare, me staying home and him staying home. He quickly said he had no desire to stay home. He left it up to me about whether I would quit or we would hire additional childcare.

Also, we visit the topic somewhat regularly. I enjoy working and made quite a bit of money doing it. If he wanted to stay home, I would be happy to go back to work (and my old employer would happily take me back). We just couldn't make it work with 2 very demanding jobs. Something had to give and I wasn't going to let that be my children. Other people have arranged things differently and that is fine, too. Different strokes. We'll all live with our choices.