My friend tried to start an affair with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

Yikes, I totally disagree. Do I even have you day you sound like a horrible friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

God forbid you ever find yourself on your own and need the help and support of your community. At least you'll know why your "friends" aren't there for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

I would beat her ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's gut feeling was right- she's batshit crazy. She developed feelings so strong that she can't stand to be around him anymore after a few playdates and cordial hellos? Nuckin Futs.

Sounds like they were A LOT more involved with each other's lives than a few play dates and casual hellos.

While I agree that she should have kept it to herself, it doesn't sound like she actually did anything wrong.

I also find it interesting that no one has mentioned the impact this will have on the kids in this situation. Maybe put these girls first and let them continue to be friends.

OP here - yes, she spent a lot of time with us because of ME. I invited her to do things, I chatted with her at the playground when we were there, I had her over for movies and wine (husband wasn't involved in any evening activities we planned together). She was MY friend. Up until the weekend when I was really sick in bed, their actual contact was pretty minimal. My husband is incredibly kind and probably the nicest, most honest person I've ever known. He's the guy who always does the honorable thing, regardless of whether anyone is looking. He's also wonderful with our children, and by extension other children that are playing with our children. So he was of course kind to her DD. She is familiar with our family and knows how much I valued my marriage, husband and family because we talked about it. She knows both our children and had to have been aware of the impact an affair could have on both of them, and she just didn't care.

It seems so off base to me that you think that she did nothing wrong. Why do you think she revealed her feelings for him? I can't imagine any other reason than that she was letting him know that she was interested in starting a romantic relationship with him. It was only after he rejected her that she said anything about not being able to spend time around him. If she was just trying to explain her departure from a friendship, her discussion should have been with me - Primarily I was her friend, not my husband. So how is that not so wrong? It is such a massive betrayal. Further, when I confronted her she spouted some bs about not believing in marriage and how it was a unnatural societal construct. She also stated that she would be interested in any man that was decent and nice to her - and she used the word "interested" which makes it pretty clear that she wanted more than just getting this off her chest.

Our girls that are friends aren't even 2 years old yet, so I'm pretty sure they'll be just fine. And maybe she feels better being unburdened by sharing this, but she selfishly has just managed to burden and hurt other people with it. You cannot help it if you get a crush on someone, but you can help how you behave. She should have behaved like an adult and kept this to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

Yikes, I totally disagree. Do I even have you day you sound like a horrible friend?

I knew I would get shit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wrong" behavior is burdening someone else with information that could be harmful to them, just to unburden yourself.

And that's the BEST case scenario, ignoring the possibility that she wanted to sleep with a married man.

But maybe there are more sociopaths on DCUM than I even thought. Just tell people whatever you want, regardless of how it affects them.

By this standard, the husband should have kept what he knew to himself.

I mean, are you kidding? How are you burdening your spouse by telling them something like this? I'm sure the wife would MUCH prefer to have this information and not have a husband-stealing interloper hanging around her family.

I guess it might make sense that these are the same thing in your bizarro world where the most important things are the wife and toddler keeping their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here - yes, she spent a lot of time with us because of ME. I invited her to do things, I chatted with her at the playground when we were there, I had her over for movies and wine (husband wasn't involved in any evening activities we planned together). She was MY friend. Up until the weekend when I was really sick in bed, their actual contact was pretty minimal. My husband is incredibly kind and probably the nicest, most honest person I've ever known. He's the guy who always does the honorable thing, regardless of whether anyone is looking. He's also wonderful with our children, and by extension other children that are playing with our children. So he was of course kind to her DD. She is familiar with our family and knows how much I valued my marriage, husband and family because we talked about it. She knows both our children and had to have been aware of the impact an affair could have on both of them, and she just didn't care.

It seems so off base to me that you think that she did nothing wrong. Why do you think she revealed her feelings for him? I can't imagine any other reason than that she was letting him know that she was interested in starting a romantic relationship with him. It was only after he rejected her that she said anything about not being able to spend time around him. If she was just trying to explain her departure from a friendship, her discussion should have been with me - Primarily I was her friend, not my husband. So how is that not so wrong? It is such a massive betrayal. Further, when I confronted her she spouted some bs about not believing in marriage and how it was a unnatural societal construct. She also stated that she would be interested in any man that was decent and nice to her - and she used the word "interested" which makes it pretty clear that she wanted more than just getting this off her chest.

Our girls that are friends aren't even 2 years old yet, so I'm pretty sure they'll be just fine. And maybe she feels better being unburdened by sharing this, but she selfishly has just managed to burden and hurt other people with it. You cannot help it if you get a crush on someone, but you can help how you behave. She should have behaved like an adult and kept this to herself.

You know, I just want to say OP - congrats on being sane in a difficult situation and not reacting like some of these looneybins around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

Yikes, I totally disagree. Do I even have you day you sound like a horrible friend?

I knew I would get shit

I am single, and would never even think of my friends husbands in this way. It just makes me sad that women can't be friends because of jealously and harsh judgement. Do men know how easy they have it, they can actually have friends who won't sell them out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

Yikes, I totally disagree. Do I even have you day you sound like a horrible friend?

I knew I would get shit

I am single, and would never even think of my friends husbands in this way. It just makes me sad that women can't be friends because of jealously and harsh judgement. Do men know how easy they have it, they can actually have friends who won't sell them out?

This is the OP, and you should take heart single-lady, because even after this experience, I still don't view all women through a distorted lense. This was one specific woman who did this, and something is wrong in her that has nothing to do with being a woman. Other sane women will never think you are looking at their husbands as potential prey, because they don't look at other peoples husbands as conquests either. I only wish I had been able to initially spot whatever it is about her that is "off", because my husband certainly saw it from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

+1. Honestly, I know of a lot of women who feel this way and I cannot say that I blame them. Especially, in this ares there is a lot of competition for "eligible" men. Hell, that is advice my grandmother gave me when I got married and she saw all my single bridesmaids.

I have a lot single girlfriends and we meet out or at my house when DH is not there. And if one of them has fallen on hard times, I will give them my last nickel but they are not getting my spare bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wrong" behavior is burdening someone else with information that could be harmful to them, just to unburden yourself.

And that's the BEST case scenario, ignoring the possibility that she wanted to sleep with a married man.

But maybe there are more sociopaths on DCUM than I even thought. Just tell people whatever you want, regardless of how it affects them.

By this standard, the husband should have kept what he knew to himself.

I mean, are you kidding? How are you burdening your spouse by telling them something like this? I'm sure the wife would MUCH prefer to have this information and not have a husband-stealing interloper hanging around her family.

I guess it might make sense that these are the same thing in your bizarro world where the most important things are the wife and toddler keeping their friends.

A husband is only stolen if he wants to be.

He's not an inanimate object or a toddler that can be carried off against his will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here - yes, she spent a lot of time with us because of ME. I invited her to do things, I chatted with her at the playground when we were there, I had her over for movies and wine (husband wasn't involved in any evening activities we planned together). She was MY friend. Up until the weekend when I was really sick in bed, their actual contact was pretty minimal. My husband is incredibly kind and probably the nicest, most honest person I've ever known. He's the guy who always does the honorable thing, regardless of whether anyone is looking. He's also wonderful with our children, and by extension other children that are playing with our children. So he was of course kind to her DD. She is familiar with our family and knows how much I valued my marriage, husband and family because we talked about it. She knows both our children and had to have been aware of the impact an affair could have on both of them, and she just didn't care.

It seems so off base to me that you think that she did nothing wrong. Why do you think she revealed her feelings for him? I can't imagine any other reason than that she was letting him know that she was interested in starting a romantic relationship with him. It was only after he rejected her that she said anything about not being able to spend time around him. If she was just trying to explain her departure from a friendship, her discussion should have been with me - Primarily I was her friend, not my husband. So how is that not so wrong? It is such a massive betrayal. Further, when I confronted her she spouted some bs about not believing in marriage and how it was a unnatural societal construct. She also stated that she would be interested in any man that was decent and nice to her - and she used the word "interested" which makes it pretty clear that she wanted more than just getting this off her chest.

Our girls that are friends aren't even 2 years old yet, so I'm pretty sure they'll be just fine. And maybe she feels better being unburdened by sharing this, but she selfishly has just managed to burden and hurt other people with it. You cannot help it if you get a crush on someone, but you can help how you behave. She should have behaved like an adult and kept this to herself.

You know, I just want to say OP - congrats on being sane in a difficult situation and not reacting like some of these looneybins around here.

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement - I'm doing my best to handle this is a way I won't regret later.

That being said, since this is an anonymous forum, I can say that I'm really feeling so awful on the inside. All day I've been fighting down that painful lump in my throat and just feel terrible. I really wish I could just let it roll off my back and be thankful for all the great things I have in my life, but I'm really struggling for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

+1. Honestly, I know of a lot of women who feel this way and I cannot say that I blame them. Especially, in this ares there is a lot of competition for "eligible" men. Hell, that is advice my grandmother gave me when I got married and she saw all my single bridesmaids.

I have a lot single girlfriends and we meet out or at my house when DH is not there. And if one of them has fallen on hard times, I will give them my last nickel but they are not getting my spare bedroom.

Once you are married, he isn't eligible any more.

If your husband loves you, he is faithful. A thousand naked, horny women could parade past and he will decline.

Since he is unavailable due to his devotion to you, you aren't in competition with the single women anymore.

If you think that you are still competing for him, there's a problem. And your single friend is not it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "wrong" behavior is burdening someone else with information that could be harmful to them, just to unburden yourself.

And that's the BEST case scenario, ignoring the possibility that she wanted to sleep with a married man.

But maybe there are more sociopaths on DCUM than I even thought. Just tell people whatever you want, regardless of how it affects them.

By this standard, the husband should have kept what he knew to himself.

I mean, are you kidding? How are you burdening your spouse by telling them something like this? I'm sure the wife would MUCH prefer to have this information and not have a husband-stealing interloper hanging around her family.

I guess it might make sense that these are the same thing in your bizarro world where the most important things are the wife and toddler keeping their friends.

I dont think this poster meant the husband was burdening the wife, I think she was saying the friend was wrong to burden the husband with the admission of feelings.

OP Im sorry this happened. One of my best new mom friends is a single mom that spends a lot of time with us (lots of weekends) and the kids are super best friends (just turned 2). I would be really hurt if my husband told me she did the same thing. Good for your husband for telling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may get shit for this but that's why I don't bring singl women into my home for extended periods of time (both literally and figuratively like OPs situation). A friend of mine was leaving her live in bf and asked if she could stay with us. NOPE. Not that I don't trust my husband but why invite potential problems? When will women learn not to involve other women that closely into their lives ... It's only normal for a single woman to develop feelings for a great father and husband when they spend so much time together - it's everything she wants and doesn't have.

Yikes, I totally disagree. Do I even have you day you sound like a horrible friend?

I knew I would get shit

I am single, and would never even think of my friends husbands in this way. It just makes me sad that women can't be friends because of jealously and harsh judgement. Do men know how easy they have it, they can actually have friends who won't sell them out?

This is the OP, and you should take heart single-lady, because even after this experience, I still don't view all women through a distorted lense. This was one specific woman who did this, and something is wrong in her that has nothing to do with being a woman. Other sane women will never think you are looking at their husbands as potential prey, because they don't look at other peoples husbands as conquests either. I only wish I had been able to initially spot whatever it is about her that is "off", because my husband certainly saw it from the beginning.

Thanks OP, making and keeping friends is hard for us women. I am glad that this one women hasn't changed how you view single women as potential friends and hope you have better luck in the future!