My teen daughter is overweight but does not care

[Anonymous]

Limit her screen time. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of another young teen who has had with weight, I think that weight issues for teens, especially young teens, can fall into 3 categories, and I'd respond accordingly. I suspect your child is in category 1 (my own numbering system) but thought I'd offer all 3 for perspective.

1) Child has temporary issues with weight as a normal part of growing up. As kids transition from parental control to more independence with food;move from the social norms of childhood (lots of outdoor play, recess and PE at school, recreational sports activities) to those of adolescence/adulthood (far fewer social activities that include exercise, possibly no PE at school, sports programs generally limited to those who excel), and see their growth slow down as puberty draws to it's end, it's normal for their weight to fluctuate. Establishing lifelong habits, learning how to regulate on your own, and navigating temptations takes time.

For a "type 1" kid, I'd suggest continuing to model healthy habits, offer lots of healthy choices for both food and activities, involve your child in family things like a horseback riding outing, a day of whitewater rafting or a ski trip, but let her be in control. Don't nag or insist on her doing things. Don't make choices for her. Remembering that making good choices is a skill that takes practice and if you're deciding what she's going to eat or what days she exercises she isn't practicing the skill. In addition, be very careful about the messages you give her. You want her to grow up happy and confident in her body, not fixated on her weight. So avoid messages that might make her feel fat or less than perfect.

2) Child has weight issues that are symptoms of a bigger psychological problem. This might be a teen who overeats due to depression, or a kid with anorexia.

For a "type 2 kid" treat the mental illness first, and follow the guidance of those professionals on the weight issue.

3) Child's weight issues are ongoing and present immediate safety concerns. To be clear, I don't mean "Oh, she's on the border of the overweight category and I worry that her weight will creep up and she'll get . . . " I mean your child is significantly obese and shows signs of issues such as joint problems, high cholesterol, prediabetes symptoms etc . . .

In this case, and only in this case, I'd step in and take control, limiting portions, requiring exercise. I'd still do it without messages of "you're fat", and I'd do everything in my power to make the things my kid did enjoyable and the food they ate yummy, so that they'd learn to like the new way of living, but I'd prioritize my kid's health.

This is very thoughtful . . . thank you (I'm not OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Limit her screen time. End of story.

With an older teen thats difficult and sets up a power struggle that the parent won't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was 20 pounds overweight in high school. Her doctor told her she needed to lose the weight, but she wasn't motivated. I got her a gym membership, offered to go with her, invited her to go on walks, etc. It made it worse. She lost 20+ lbs in college during her freshman year. She cut out carbs and ate healthier, plus she joined a not so competitive swim team on campus. She is a college senior and continues to eat healthy and maintain her weight. She did this on her own.

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope!

You sound like a mom who is obsessed with fitness and projecting issues onto her daughter. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of another young teen who has had with weight,

Sorry, that should read who has had issues with his weight.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Luckily DD chose to participate in sports in her school in HS (with a little encouragement but still, her decision) so in addition to dance twice a week and tennis once a week, the situation should shift hopefully. The sport at school starts in a couple of weeks (winter season).

Btw according to the teen BMI chart she is in 83rd percentile, overweight slightly.
I am not proud of this, but lack of motivation on her part and just general busyness makes it hard to get her even for a walk. She finds gazillion of excuses - tired, homework, already played tennis today, etc. maybe once a week I succeed. I would probably succeed more if I were less lazy myself
Also I agree with the poster who said that girls today are overall heavier than when we were that age and don't care about what they look like as much. In a way their care free attitude may be better as they are less self conscious but it's hard to see my own child wearing unflattering clothes (keeping my mouth shut though 99% of the time). It is a delicate balance - finding that edge where the responsibility for her health and teaching her good lifestyle habits collides with over nagging and causing too much weight obsession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP
Btw according to the teen BMI chart she is in 83rd percentile, overweight slightly.

PP here, 83rd %ile is considered a healthy weight, kids aren't classified as overweight until they get to the 85th. In addition, it's important to note that the BMI charts shift over time, so if her weight and height stayed stable, or she grew taller and her BMI didn't change, her percentiles will drop as she approaches 20.

Scroll down here for a cool graph:

http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/childrens_bmi/about_childrens_bmi.html#What is BMI percentile

I think you can teach healthy habits without nagging at all. Offer a wide variety of healthy food and let her choose what and how much she eats. Be willing to drive her to and pay for tennis and dance and whatever other healthy things she chooses. And keep your mouth closed, even when you're tempted to nag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Luckily DD chose to participate in sports in her school in HS (with a little encouragement but still, her decision) so in addition to dance twice a week and tennis once a week, the situation should shift hopefully. The sport at school starts in a couple of weeks (winter season).

Btw according to the teen BMI chart she is in 83rd percentile, overweight slightly.
I am not proud of this, but lack of motivation on her part and just general busyness makes it hard to get her even for a walk. She finds gazillion of excuses - tired, homework, already played tennis today, etc. maybe once a week I succeed. I would probably succeed more if I were less lazy myself
Also I agree with the poster who said that girls today are overall heavier than when we were that age and don't care about what they look like as much. In a way their care free attitude may be better as they are less self conscious but it's hard to see my own child wearing unflattering clothes (keeping my mouth shut though 99% of the time). It is a delicate balance - finding that edge where the responsibility for her health and teaching her good lifestyle habits collides with over nagging and causing too much weight obsession.

I think the fact that you are ignoring her doctor's total lack of concern, checking out her BMI and seeing her as overweight when she technically isn't, is all a bad sign that you are way too invested in her weight. And reading way too much into it. I have a DD who is a teen and sounds like she is a similar weight and she is absolutely more comfortable with her weight than I was at her age but that doesn't mean she "doesn't care what she looks like." She cares very much. She just has a better, and I think healthier, body image than I did at that age.

And I don't think you are being nearly as easy on her as you think. "Its hard to get her even for a walk." You shouldn't be walking your teenage daughter. Sure, a mother-daughter walk is a lovely thing but not when the point is because you see her as fat. No wonder she makes excuses.

I think you've created a power struggle here and you nee to unilaterally and completely disarm. You are teaching her nothing. She knows all the facts about health and you have absolutely no control over what she eats or how she chooses to move her body. She will make sure this is the case if you keep pushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Luckily DD chose to participate in sports in her school in HS (with a little encouragement but still, her decision) so in addition to dance twice a week and tennis once a week, the situation should shift hopefully. The sport at school starts in a couple of weeks (winter season).

Btw according to the teen BMI chart she is in 83rd percentile, overweight slightly.
I am not proud of this, but lack of motivation on her part and just general busyness makes it hard to get her even for a walk. She finds gazillion of excuses - tired, homework, already played tennis today, etc. maybe once a week I succeed. I would probably succeed more if I were less lazy myself
Also I agree with the poster who said that girls today are overall heavier than when we were that age and don't care about what they look like as much. In a way their care free attitude may be better as they are less self conscious but it's hard to see my own child wearing unflattering clothes (keeping my mouth shut though 99% of the time). It is a delicate balance - finding that edge where the responsibility for her health and teaching her good lifestyle habits collides with over nagging and causing too much weight obsession.

I think the fact that you are ignoring her doctor's total lack of concern, checking out her BMI and seeing her as overweight when she technically isn't, is all a bad sign that you are way too invested in her weight. And reading way too much into it. I have a DD who is a teen and sounds like she is a similar weight and she is absolutely more comfortable with her weight than I was at her age but that doesn't mean she "doesn't care what she looks like." She cares very much. She just has a better, and I think healthier, body image than I did at that age.

And I don't think you are being nearly as easy on her as you think. "Its hard to get her even for a walk." You shouldn't be walking your teenage daughter. Sure, a mother-daughter walk is a lovely thing but not when the point is because you see her as fat. No wonder she makes excuses.

I think you've created a power struggle here and you nee to unilaterally and completely disarm. You are teaching her nothing. She knows all the facts about health and you have absolutely no control over what she eats or how she chooses to move her body. She will make sure this is the case if you keep pushing.

So what's your advise? Ignore until the weight creeps up into the obese category? As for the walks: it is more important for me that she gets some sun (separate issue, the kids today spend too much time indoors, no fresh air, no sunlight) than for weight loss. And yeah, I do believe they should be "walked" because these habits form when the kids are young and if we, as parents, don't push a little and teach our kids to get out, they would be stuck indoors now and in the future. I noticed that kids resist a lot of things but once they get going, they enjoy them. It is crazy to allow them to just spend all their time on the computer.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm trying to be on your side, but you sound like a neurotic out of touch woman who is treading on thin ice with your daughter. I know for sure if my mother had repeatedly raised this issue to me (FWIW, I was an 84% in teen years and in college my BMI dropped and held steady at about 19.5) our relationship would be dramatically different for the worse.

The chances that your daughter is going to balloon into a 300 pound woman are slim. If she balloons into a 200 pound woman, sure, get a doctor involved. They'll get involved on their own. But now? You have a child with a normal weight and you just don't like it so you harp on her and post on boards about it? Jesus.

You need to back off. Seriously. You've already done a lot of damage. I'd focus on repairing that, asap.

[Anonymous]

I was a chubby kid in HS. I was pretty active, but part of it was bad genes and part was eating crap b/c I was a dumb kid.

I'm not overweight anymore. My mom encourged heathy eating habits by being healthy herself and she honestly never said one thing to me about my weight (I really did not need her to.. I was WELL aware). Eventually, I grew up and b/c I already had a good understanding of healthy eating, I took the weight off. I still have to fight it, but such is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Luckily DD chose to participate in sports in her school in HS (with a little encouragement but still, her decision) so in addition to dance twice a week and tennis once a week, the situation should shift hopefully. The sport at school starts in a couple of weeks (winter season).

Btw according to the teen BMI chart she is in 83rd percentile, overweight slightly.
I am not proud of this, but lack of motivation on her part and just general busyness makes it hard to get her even for a walk. She finds gazillion of excuses - tired, homework, already played tennis today, etc. maybe once a week I succeed. I would probably succeed more if I were less lazy myself
Also I agree with the poster who said that girls today are overall heavier than when we were that age and don't care about what they look like as much. In a way their care free attitude may be better as they are less self conscious but it's hard to see my own child wearing unflattering clothes (keeping my mouth shut though 99% of the time). It is a delicate balance - finding that edge where the responsibility for her health and teaching her good lifestyle habits collides with over nagging and causing too much weight obsession.

I think the fact that you are ignoring her doctor's total lack of concern, checking out her BMI and seeing her as overweight when she technically isn't, is all a bad sign that you are way too invested in her weight. And reading way too much into it. I have a DD who is a teen and sounds like she is a similar weight and she is absolutely more comfortable with her weight than I was at her age but that doesn't mean she "doesn't care what she looks like." She cares very much. She just has a better, and I think healthier, body image than I did at that age.

And I don't think you are being nearly as easy on her as you think. "Its hard to get her even for a walk." You shouldn't be walking your teenage daughter. Sure, a mother-daughter walk is a lovely thing but not when the point is because you see her as fat. No wonder she makes excuses.

I think you've created a power struggle here and you nee to unilaterally and completely disarm. You are teaching her nothing. She knows all the facts about health and you have absolutely no control over what she eats or how she chooses to move her body. She will make sure this is the case if you keep pushing.

So what's your advise? Ignore until the weight creeps up into the obese category? As for the walks: it is more important for me that she gets some sun (separate issue, the kids today spend too much time indoors, no fresh air, no sunlight) than for weight loss. And yeah, I do believe they should be "walked" because these habits form when the kids are young and if we, as parents, don't push a little and teach our kids to get out, they would be stuck indoors now and in the future. I noticed that kids resist a lot of things but once they get going, they enjoy them. It is crazy to allow them to just spend all their time on the computer.

My advice is to let her be. She's trying to tell you the same thing in so many ways. You are succeeding in nothing but creating tensions around food and exercise.

First you say she is overweight. Then when it comes out that (1) her doctor doesn't think so, and (2) her BMI is in the normal range, you switch to, well she is on her way to being obese. You claim you don't push her but little by little it comes out that you are and she is resisting, big time. This is a recipe for anorexia, by the way, because as you try to control her, that is the one way in which she can exercise control back.

My second piece of advice is for you to get a therapist for yourself because you clearly have food/body image issues you are imposing on your daughter as well as a lack of perspective and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter's weight is in the healthy range. She is self motivated to dance twice a week and play tennis once a week.

Despite this you are obsessed about her weight.

Who has the problem, you or your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
Btw according to the teen BMI chart she is in 83rd percentile, overweight slightly.

PP here, 83rd %ile is considered a healthy weight, kids aren't classified as overweight until they get to the 85th. In addition, it's important to note that the BMI charts shift over time, so if her weight and height stayed stable, or she grew taller and her BMI didn't change, her percentiles will drop as she approaches 20.

Scroll down here for a cool graph:

http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/childrens_bmi/about_childrens_bmi.html#What is BMI percentile

I think you can teach healthy habits without nagging at all. Offer a wide variety of healthy food and let her choose what and how much she eats. Be willing to drive her to and pay for tennis and dance and whatever other healthy things she chooses. And keep your mouth closed, even when you're tempted to nag.

Not if she's 20% in height. 83% weight and 80-90% height is fine. The larger the difference in weight:height ratio means there is a problem.

My nephew was always97% weight, but he was also 90th percentile in height. At 19- he's now a 6'3" string bean .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter's weight is in the healthy range. She is self motivated to dance twice a week and play tennis once a week.

Despite this you are obsessed about her weight.

Who has the problem, you or your daughter?

+1