My teen daughter is overweight but does not care
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Anonymous
This is so true. I was in an "awkward phase" pretty much until college. I lost a little weight then, but it actually mostly just redistributed (into muscle, primarily), and I went down several sizes and felt much better. I'm grateful my parents didn't say much to me about it before then. My younger sister struggles with bulemia, and it's horrible. |
Anonymous
She's not in the 83%ile for weight. She's in the 83%ile for BMI, which means that compared to other girls her age and her height she's in the 83%ile. |
Anonymous
| Interesting how many people on this board are jumping on OP and saying this is her issue. Seems like it might be their issue too.... |
Anonymous
Why would you assume that a child who is at a healthy weight, and is gaining at a time when most girls gain (look at the BMI graph I linked earlier for evidence) will become obese? It's possible, of course, but if so there will be opportunities to intervene later. Right now the OP needs to be focused on handing off control to her daughter, which means backing off. That doesn't mean "ignoring" anything. It means acknowledging that this is not her problem to solve. As far as taking kids outside, the time to build those habits is when kids are toddlers, preschoolers, and early elementary schoolers. At those ages there's nothing wrong with saying "get your shoes on, we're going to the park" or "actually we're walking to CVS today, it's a beautiful day for it". In fact those are wonderful things to say to your child. But we aren't talking about a young child here. We're talking about a soon to be adult, who needs to be taking over the responsibility for making those choices, which means they need to be able to say "no thank you" so that they can learn how their body feels with and without exercise. This young lady has an appropriate activity level. With dance and tennis and a school sport she's putting in a bare minimum of 8 hours a week, probably more than that since many schools have 2 hour practicies, and she might have PE class too. That's a great activity level, and significantly above that of most adults. The focus right now should be on helping her maintain that level, especially when she goes off to college and time is pressed and there are temptations everywhere. Turning exercise into a chore, and setting it up as a power struggle is not going to help that goal. Finally, why do you make the assumption that this young woman is spending all her time on the computer. The OP has already named 3 afterschool activities, and it's possible she does other that aren't related to weight. There's no evidence that she's not also doing homework and engaging socially with peers. Your asusmption seems odd and unfounded. |
Anonymous
| OP, are you willing to listen to anyone who offers advice other than "Here is how to make your daughter lose weight"? |
Anonymous
Absolutely, just trying to weed out the animosity. In fact, it's comforting to see a lot of people saying let go of control and let her be. I just wish posters would stop making assumptions and projecting their own issues into this situation. Those of you worrying about anorexia and food issues are the ones that have them themselves and are most likely to see it everywhere. But alas such is human nature and I am not offended. |
Anonymous
I raised the issue of anorexia and I absolutely don't have it myself. I know several girls who do, however, and in each case they were exercising control in the one area they could. Food issues are very, very touchy. |
Anonymous
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It's probably a mistake to project your anxiety about excessive weight or hunger on a child/teen, because children/teens will logically conclude that anxiety around weight and hunger is appropriate. That is unhealthy and sure to cause whatever it is you're afraid of to occur.
I wouldn't say anything, negative or positive about weight regarding her or others. Kids'll alternate phases of eating alot and not so much, getting chubby then having a growth spurt, it's all good. Exercise is important of course but she sees you exercising, someday she'll want to exercise too but maybe not anytime soon. |
Anonymous
Please make it 100%, please stop worrying about what your daughter wears or looks like, and enjoy her. Just say no to your worries. My husband obsesses about my 13 y.o. son not eating enough and it's just nuts. Let the kid eat when he's hungry and not when he's not. I'm the youngest of seven kids - my mom confesses she had anxiety about the oldest four's eating habits, worried about everything, but ran out of energy to obsess by the time the last four came around and she let us be just who we were, eat what we wanted (healthy choices were always available), left hair, clothes, homework, activities all up to us. Just anecdotal, but three of the four oldest are underachievers with significant weight problems, the youngest three are normal weight and professionals. |
Anonymous
Please don't do this. Completely demoralizing for a teen and she'll never stop counting calories for the rest of her life. Mom did that to me at 14 and it messed me up for years. Counting calories, points, portion sizes. Nightmare. I think others are wrong about OP staying out of it completely though. You can be supportive without shoving a gym membership at her or getting her involved in hard core dieting and creating yo to dieting. She knows she's overweight and she feels it. She may say she doesn't care, but she notices when she buys larger sized clothes and when she sees smaller girls in her class. Don't think it doesn't bother her. If she says it doesn't, that's just to stop a painful conversation. That's especially true when mom is slender and she thinks there's no way she'll ever be as attractive. And no, she isn't rebelling. She wishes she could be that small but feels defeated because she doesn't think it'll ever happen for her. (Once heavy teen with 108lb mom who is now a size 4 mom herself, so I'm speaking from experience.) the best way to support her is to limit screen time, keep sugary and salty snacks out of the house, and not make a big deal out of it. It's not dieting or a diet, it's just a lifestyle. If there was ice cream in the house I would eat it, but I would never go OUT to buy it. Same with chips or candy. Don't have it in the house, and make her life that much easier. It works! |
Anonymous
But she's not overweight. The only person who thinks she is overweight is her mother. She doesn't, her doctor doesn't. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
| OP, we have the same daughter. I know what not to do, but it's very difficult for me not to do it! She plays a sport in school and it's fairly vigorous, but I know enough about exercise and nutrition to know that the exercise is not the problem - it's the food intake. She simply doesn't seem to care right now that she's overweight. I look around and see the other girls at her school and they are almost all normal to thin. I know it's my issue, but it does concern me and make me sad. Yesterday, she probably about 10-12 cookies when nobody was home. I don't keep a ton of junk food around the house, but she'll double up on even the 'healthy' stuff. As for whether your doctor would say anything, many doctors are very reluctant to tread in this area. For the first time at my daughter's checkup this year our doctor said something. She then apologized to me because she admitted it simply wasn't on her radar until recently. My doctor was wonderfully gentle, but it has made no impact on my daughter - she's still eating way too many carbs and full sugar sodas (not at home, but when she's out). Very frustrating. |
Anonymous
| I am in the "get over it" category. This will likely sort itself out when she wants to impress a boy. And then you will have a real problem.lol |
Anonymous
| OP's child is not overweight. |