My teen daughter is overweight but does not care

[Anonymous]

10:19 here. I agree with PP that she's not overweight. I'm referencing taking more pride in her appearance. My coworker's skinny daughter is still sloppy in her appearance as a tween. She has beautiful hair that she doesn't want to tend to and will wear the same clothes over and over if you let her. She hasn't discovered boys yet and I always remind her that it will change when she does.

[Anonymous]

OP,

As a young teen I put on some weight and was chubby--not fat. As an adult (mid-twenties, no kids) I am now fat. While I own my choices, I can honestly say that my mother did not help. She would not let go of my wardrobe, makeup, hair, eating habits, and exercise (or lack thereof). She thought (and still thinks) she was being subtle, but I was completely attuned to every hint that my appearance was inadequate. This cause an attitude shift in me in two ways. First, she taught me that I was fat. Instead of telling me that she was proud of me because I was hardworking or creative or independent or clever, she taught me that the biggest thing she saw when she looked at me was my appearance. This led me to believe that everyone else saw me the same way. This is why I HATED sports for a long time; because my mother had taught me that people were constantly evaluating my body, and to play a sport you have to put your body on display. I found it excruciating and avoided it. The other thing that happened was that it messed up my eating habits. Because my mother was constantly aware of whT and how much I ate (and don't think this was a problem because she commented on my intake; she only sometimes commented, but she was constantly aware and I knew it) I avoided eating in her presence. Instead i would rush to eat breakfast before she woke up, or to eat dinner before she got home, or I would get up late at night and have dessert. This taught me to eat proccessed foods (I couldn't make myself homemade whole wheat brownies as I do now without her noticing and coming into the kitchen, but I could grab a carton of ice cream and eat the whole thing in my room with a spoo ). It also taught me to eat large amounts quickly. If I was a different personality, I would have become bulimic, but I liked my fat. It protected me from her constant evaluations. I figured the only way to own my body was to be so ugly that she would regard me as a lost cause. And I got heavier and heavier. I am now, finally, getting on track.

You say that people who think you have food issues are projecting, but the reality is that we just recognize the unhealthy attitude that is couched in your attempts to sound healthy and normal and easy-going.

You cannot make your daughter healthy. The time to enforce good eating and exercise habits is in early childhood. If that isn't how she chooses to live right now, trying to maintain control of her teenage body will only drive her towards bad habits. Let it go. Do not open your mouth at all because trust me, she already knows how you feel. Let her find her own way to health instead of trying to force her to be healthy in the way you want, in the time you want, and because you want it.

[Anonymous]

OP just to add a note...

I grew almost a foot between age 14 and 19. So as others have mentioned, this could easily self-resolve.

The only other thing I haven't seen mentioned is that she is getting enough quality sleep. Make sure the electronics are out of her room at night.

Lastly, give her one compliment every day. Like sincere. 'Your hair looks great today'. 'You smell yummy - do you have a new perfume?' 'You look gorgeous, I'm so proud I have such a beautiful daughter'. It's cheesy, but can do magic for her self-esteem. Likewise, don't criticize.

[Anonymous]

OP: My daughter, 14, is as well. Don't think for a minute that she has not noticed, with all these little girls around here that are super skinny. My DD is a chunky bigish girl about 10-15 lbs over, 75th. She has her sister to compare to every day, if not her classmates. I encourage her to eat healthy, and her friends do too. She says she eats when "unhappy" However, she is not depressed.
It takes discipline to resist eating more than you should, and to stay slim in our society, surrounded by delicious food. The doc is not going to say anything until it is too late. Be supportive; it is hard. try losing 15 lbs. She is still growing, so I encourage sports. Not the most athletic girl. Best of luck, support!