My teen daughter is overweight but does not care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say lay off completely. She knows how much she weighs and there is literally nothing you can do, it has to come from her. If you tell her to change her diet or exercise or comment in any way she will get the message "my mom thinks I'm fat."

That kind of pressure can also spark anorexia which is a far more dangerous condition. I know several girls who went from chubby to very, very sick with anorexia. You need to be mindful of this.

Honestly, this is your baggage, not hers. She'e fine, she doesn't care. You are focused on her weight because, I suspect, you are focused on your own weight and you want her to be as thin as you. She sees this as your issue and it is creating conflict. Telling her over and over again that she needs to lose weight (I'm sure you think the message isn't that explicit when you couch it as eating healthy or exercising, but that is almost certainly the message she is receiving) could backfire in a host of ways. You can't win this, she is her own person. Accept her as she ie.

I think it normal for a parent to worry about their child being unhealthy. A sedentary life, increasing weight and questionable eating habits aren't a good foundation for a healthy life. It sounds like PP you are very sensitive about weight issues and that is where your perspective that parents shouldn't be involved in the health of their children comes from.

How old is your daughter OP? 13 or 17 makes a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say lay off completely. She knows how much she weighs and there is literally nothing you can do, it has to come from her. If you tell her to change her diet or exercise or comment in any way she will get the message "my mom thinks I'm fat."

That kind of pressure can also spark anorexia which is a far more dangerous condition. I know several girls who went from chubby to very, very sick with anorexia. You need to be mindful of this.

Honestly, this is your baggage, not hers. She'e fine, she doesn't care. You are focused on her weight because, I suspect, you are focused on your own weight and you want her to be as thin as you. She sees this as your issue and it is creating conflict. Telling her over and over again that she needs to lose weight (I'm sure you think the message isn't that explicit when you couch it as eating healthy or exercising, but that is almost certainly the message she is receiving) could backfire in a host of ways. You can't win this, she is her own person. Accept her as she ie.

+1

Do not ever mention weight to her. She will think she's not good enough for you, and will blame every screw up in her life on you. Leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

She is 14 with bmi close to 24, just based on height and weight. The issue is she is not muscular so that bmi alone does not account for flabbiness. Health is most important to me, more than weight. If she was more active and no family history of diabetes, I would probably relax.
But I agree with the advise to lay off actually, I don't want to press her and make her unhappy as she seems blissfully content with herself as she is

[Anonymous]

My DD was 20 pounds overweight in high school. Her doctor told her she needed to lose the weight, but she wasn't motivated. I got her a gym membership, offered to go with her, invited her to go on walks, etc. It made it worse. She lost 20+ lbs in college during her freshman year. She cut out carbs and ate healthier, plus she joined a not so competitive swim team on campus. She is a college senior and continues to eat healthy and maintain her weight. She did this on her own.

[Anonymous]

I am a big proponent of swimming for overweight kids. Helps you lose weight a lot. I was an overweight kid all my life. Until my joints started aching at 18 and needed to get Vioxx (yet, THAT drug). That was it for me. I started swimming. First, I could barely last 2 minutes. I increased my workout every time I swam. I am now 30 yo and can't imagine my life w/o swimming. I also added dancing to my routine. Latin dancing have really helped me to shape my legs and butt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was 20 pounds overweight in high school. Her doctor told her she needed to lose the weight, but she wasn't motivated. I got her a gym membership, offered to go with her, invited her to go on walks, etc. It made it worse. She lost 20+ lbs in college during her freshman year. She cut out carbs and ate healthier, plus she joined a not so competitive swim team on campus. She is a college senior and continues to eat healthy and maintain her weight. She did this on her own.

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope!

[Anonymous]

I suggest you make it as much about health as possible.

Involve her in grocery shopping and cooking healthy meals. Teach her about nutrition.

Sign her up for an intro weight lifting class. Tell her that it is important for women to build muscle mass and strengthen bones to avoid osteoporosis, among other things.

Get a gym membership to a gym that has those little tvs on the machines. Have her spend 20-30 minutes a day walking on the treadmill while she watches her favorite show. Tell her that this is for her cardiovascular health.

Make an appointment with the pediatrician, and ask her to address healthy lifestyle transitions. Tell your daughter that you are doing this because she is becoming an adult, and as such, her health will be her responsibility. Discuss family history with her and tell her why these measures are important.

[Anonymous]

These days, teen girls are just heavier than they were 20 years ago when I was in high school. I also notice that girls tend to not care if they wear tight clothing or have muffin tops. When I was a teen, no girl in her right mind would walk around with a muffin top and not care.

So maybe she looks around and sees her size is comparable to other girls her age and sees no reason to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was 20 pounds overweight in high school. Her doctor told her she needed to lose the weight, but she wasn't motivated. I got her a gym membership, offered to go with her, invited her to go on walks, etc. It made it worse. She lost 20+ lbs in college during her freshman year. She cut out carbs and ate healthier, plus she joined a not so competitive swim team on campus. She is a college senior and continues to eat healthy and maintain her weight. She did this on her own.

I was an overweight teen. Not obese, but chubby, maybe 20 lbs overweight.

I stayed chubby through college, and then the year after graduating I lost 30 lbs, seemingly effortlessly. I don't remember dieting; I just remember being happy and busy and my clothes feeling too big. I kept the weight off from that time until I hit 40 and had my second child, after which I've been overweight by about 15 lbs.

OP, your DD will handle in her own time and on her own terms. If I were you, I would focus more on her life (including good/balanced meals to the extent you control that) than on her weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These days, teen girls are just heavier than they were 20 years ago when I was in high school. I also notice that girls tend to not care if they wear tight clothing or have muffin tops. When I was a teen, no girl in her right mind would walk around with a muffin top and not care.

So maybe she looks around and sees her size is comparable to other girls her age and sees no reason to change.

I so agree with this. I seriously don't know any muffin tops back in the mid-80s when I was in HS. Looking back at my HS yearbook, there was maybe only 1 obese kid--and almost zero chubbies.

OP- I have boys so it is probably different--but do you do outdoor activities together?? DH and I have always spent a good portion of weekends runnign around outside with our boys---playing hide-n-seek, family soccer matches, tennis at the courts, etc. We also walk a lot. I also make sure they do somethign physical outside everyday. My oldest is 7. Does she like bike riding, roller blading, swimming? I also don't keep junk food in the house. They will find it outside of the house--the best you can do is keep a healthy home.

I agree not to bring it up directly to her. Just do things to help---serve healthier meals, be more active, watch portion sizes, etc. Girls can be VERY sensitive. I know I was as a kid/teen. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These days, teen girls are just heavier than they were 20 years ago when I was in high school. I also notice that girls tend to not care if they wear tight clothing or have muffin tops. When I was a teen, no girl in her right mind would walk around with a muffin top and not care.

So maybe she looks around and sees her size is comparable to other girls her age and sees no reason to change.

I so agree with this. I seriously don't know any muffin tops back in the mid-80s when I was in HS. Looking back at my HS yearbook, there was maybe only 1 obese kid--and almost zero chubbies.

OP- I have boys so it is probably different--but do you do outdoor activities together?? DH and I have always spent a good portion of weekends runnign around outside with our boys---playing hide-n-seek, family soccer matches, tennis at the courts, etc. We also walk a lot. I also make sure they do somethign physical outside everyday. My oldest is 7. Does she like bike riding, roller blading, swimming? I also don't keep junk food in the house. They will find it outside of the house--the best you can do is keep a healthy home.

I agree not to bring it up directly to her. Just do things to help---serve healthier meals, be more active, watch portion sizes, etc. Girls can be VERY sensitive. I know I was as a kid/teen. Good luck!

I also agree with the gym membership---maybe she would like a spinning class or zumba, pilates, etc---you could go together and do somethign fun after (that doesn't involve food

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was 20 pounds overweight in high school. Her doctor told her she needed to lose the weight, but she wasn't motivated. I got her a gym membership, offered to go with her, invited her to go on walks, etc. It made it worse. She lost 20+ lbs in college during her freshman year. She cut out carbs and ate healthier, plus she joined a not so competitive swim team on campus. She is a college senior and continues to eat healthy and maintain her weight. She did this on her own.

Although she did do it by herself, don't necessarily discount all the encouragement you gave her earlier.
Sometimes it just takes a while (or something happening) before it all "clicks" and makes sense to her.
Then all those things you had suggested, and talked to her about get implemented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was 20 pounds overweight in high school. Her doctor told her she needed to lose the weight, but she wasn't motivated. I got her a gym membership, offered to go with her, invited her to go on walks, etc. It made it worse. She lost 20+ lbs in college during her freshman year. She cut out carbs and ate healthier, plus she joined a not so competitive swim team on campus. She is a college senior and continues to eat healthy and maintain her weight. She did this on her own.

Although she did do it by herself, don't necessarily discount all the encouragement you gave her earlier.
Sometimes it just takes a while (or something happening) before it all "clicks" and makes sense to her.
Then all those things you had suggested, and talked to her about get implemented.

I do think there are a lot of girls that gain hormonal weight from around 14-18---chubby face is classic of it. I came into my own in my early 20s too. I was a very serious athlete from elem-sophmore year in HS..then I filled out (by no means fat--but 10-15 lbs more). Junior year in college I really paid attention to nutrition. I had always exercised and loved running. By the time I graduated college I was lean, mean fighting machine and took up running marathons. I have stayed the same exact weight for the past 20 years. It is now at 42 that I find I really have to watch what I eat again. I was the classic late bloomer like the other poster---it was weird to be viewed as 'totally hot' after just 'cute, girl next door, slightly chubby' with no dates in HS. I had so much attention in my 20s/30s that was never there in HS. I also would get the 'oh you never had to worry about weight' from people that met me post-college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say lay off completely. She knows how much she weighs and there is literally nothing you can do, it has to come from her. If you tell her to change her diet or exercise or comment in any way she will get the message "my mom thinks I'm fat."

That kind of pressure can also spark anorexia which is a far more dangerous condition. I know several girls who went from chubby to very, very sick with anorexia. You need to be mindful of this.

Honestly, this is your baggage, not hers. She'e fine, she doesn't care. You are focused on her weight because, I suspect, you are focused on your own weight and you want her to be as thin as you. She sees this as your issue and it is creating conflict. Telling her over and over again that she needs to lose weight (I'm sure you think the message isn't that explicit when you couch it as eating healthy or exercising, but that is almost certainly the message she is receiving) could backfire in a host of ways. You can't win this, she is her own person. Accept her as she ie.

I think it normal for a parent to worry about their child being unhealthy. A sedentary life, increasing weight and questionable eating habits aren't a good foundation for a healthy life. It sounds like PP you are very sensitive about weight issues and that is where your perspective that parents shouldn't be involved in the health of their children comes from.

How old is your daughter OP? 13 or 17 makes a big difference.

I am not sensitive about weight issues for me or my daughter and I certainly never wrote that I don't think parents should be involved in their children's health. It is precisely out of concern for my DD's health that I don't harp on her weight.

I do have to disagree with the posters who think its OK to sign her up for a gym or encourage her to swim or teach her about nutrition. All she will hear from this work around is "my mom thinks I'm fat." She knows about nutrition and she would exercise if she wanted to. Your involvement raises the emotional pressure which can be really unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was 20 pounds overweight in high school. Her doctor told her she needed to lose the weight, but she wasn't motivated. I got her a gym membership, offered to go with her, invited her to go on walks, etc. It made it worse. She lost 20+ lbs in college during her freshman year. She cut out carbs and ate healthier, plus she joined a not so competitive swim team on campus. She is a college senior and continues to eat healthy and maintain her weight. She did this on her own.

Although she did do it by herself, don't necessarily discount all the encouragement you gave her earlier.
Sometimes it just takes a while (or something happening) before it all "clicks" and makes sense to her.
Then all those things you had suggested, and talked to her about get implemented.

I do think there are a lot of girls that gain hormonal weight from around 14-18---chubby face is classic of it. I came into my own in my early 20s too. I was a very serious athlete from elem-sophmore year in HS..then I filled out (by no means fat--but 10-15 lbs more). Junior year in college I really paid attention to nutrition. I had always exercised and loved running. By the time I graduated college I was lean, mean fighting machine and took up running marathons. I have stayed the same exact weight for the past 20 years. It is now at 42 that I find I really have to watch what I eat again. I was the classic late bloomer like the other poster---it was weird to be viewed as 'totally hot' after just 'cute, girl next door, slightly chubby' with no dates in HS. I had so much attention in my 20s/30s that was never there in HS. I also would get the 'oh you never had to worry about weight' from people that met me post-college.

What is "hormonal weight" gain in adolescents? My google search turns up nothing (other than info on menopause-related hormonal weight gain, which is real).