My teen daughter is overweight but does not care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say lay off completely. She knows how much she weighs and there is literally nothing you can do, it has to come from her. If you tell her to change her diet or exercise or comment in any way she will get the message "my mom thinks I'm fat."

That kind of pressure can also spark anorexia which is a far more dangerous condition. I know several girls who went from chubby to very, very sick with anorexia. You need to be mindful of this.

Honestly, this is your baggage, not hers. She'e fine, she doesn't care. You are focused on her weight because, I suspect, you are focused on your own weight and you want her to be as thin as you. She sees this as your issue and it is creating conflict. Telling her over and over again that she needs to lose weight (I'm sure you think the message isn't that explicit when you couch it as eating healthy or exercising, but that is almost certainly the message she is receiving) could backfire in a host of ways. You can't win this, she is her own person. Accept her as she ie.

I think it normal for a parent to worry about their child being unhealthy. A sedentary life, increasing weight and questionable eating habits aren't a good foundation for a healthy life. It sounds like PP you are very sensitive about weight issues and that is where your perspective that parents shouldn't be involved in the health of their children comes from.

How old is your daughter OP? 13 or 17 makes a big difference.

I am not sensitive about weight issues for me or my daughter and I certainly never wrote that I don't think parents should be involved in their children's health. It is precisely out of concern for my DD's health that I don't harp on her weight.

I do have to disagree with the posters who think its OK to sign her up for a gym or encourage her to swim or teach her about nutrition. All she will hear from this work around is "my mom thinks I'm fat." She knows about nutrition and she would exercise if she wanted to. Your involvement raises the emotional pressure which can be really unhealthy.

I disagree. I started going to a 'Spa Lady' with my mom and sister after I stopped HS sports and I got hooked. IT was when Step Aerobics was the range. I even ended up teaching classes for awhile. I liked the music, etc. 'Exerice if she wants to'...wake up America. If parents aren't active and don't show and promote an active lifestyle..their kids won't live that lifestyle. I was motiveated to run on my own--but it wasn't until I joined a woman's gym that I really got into weight lifting and the habit of daily exercise. It changes your mood and way of thinking. My mother did not play sports or work out as a kid and she says it played a large part in her not doing it when she was older. Now at 68- she goes to Golds gym daily with m y dad!

[Anonymous]

OP - I was a healthy teen whose mom bugged the hell out of her, and turned into an overweight adult. I think because my mom bugged me so much that I never wanted to exercise, I saw it as a chore and something to please my mom. I'm just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 14 with bmi close to 24, just based on height and weight. The issue is she is not muscular so that bmi alone does not account for flabbiness. Health is most important to me, more than weight. If she was more active and no family history of diabetes, I would probably relax.
But I agree with the advise to lay off actually, I don't want to press her and make her unhappy as she seems blissfully content with herself as she is

A BMI for an adult of 24 is normal weight.

BMI for kids is measured on a different scale, and 24 doesn't make sense as a BMI for a 14 year old, so I suspect you are using the adult scale.

So it doesn't sound like your daughter is overweight at all.

[Anonymous]

Here's a chart for teens:

http://fit.webmd.com/teen/bmi/calc-bmi

what's the result of this one?

[Anonymous]

You need to separate health from weight.

I am betting you won't, but if you want to look out for your child's health, you talk about habits, not results.

Model healthy behavior. Don't nag her. (Mentioning more than once = nagging.)

You need to decide whether the opportunity to hound your daughter into thinness is worth the risk that she is going to want to avoid you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say lay off completely. She knows how much she weighs and there is literally nothing you can do, it has to come from her. If you tell her to change her diet or exercise or comment in any way she will get the message "my mom thinks I'm fat."

That kind of pressure can also spark anorexia which is a far more dangerous condition. I know several girls who went from chubby to very, very sick with anorexia. You need to be mindful of this.

Honestly, this is your baggage, not hers. She'e fine, she doesn't care. You are focused on her weight because, I suspect, you are focused on your own weight and you want her to be as thin as you. She sees this as your issue and it is creating conflict. Telling her over and over again that she needs to lose weight (I'm sure you think the message isn't that explicit when you couch it as eating healthy or exercising, but that is almost certainly the message she is receiving) could backfire in a host of ways. You can't win this, she is her own person. Accept her as she ie.

I think it normal for a parent to worry about their child being unhealthy. A sedentary life, increasing weight and questionable eating habits aren't a good foundation for a healthy life. It sounds like PP you are very sensitive about weight issues and that is where your perspective that parents shouldn't be involved in the health of their children comes from.

How old is your daughter OP? 13 or 17 makes a big difference.

I am not sensitive about weight issues for me or my daughter and I certainly never wrote that I don't think parents should be involved in their children's health. It is precisely out of concern for my DD's health that I don't harp on her weight.

I do have to disagree with the posters who think its OK to sign her up for a gym or encourage her to swim or teach her about nutrition. All she will hear from this work around is "my mom thinks I'm fat." She knows about nutrition and she would exercise if she wanted to. Your involvement raises the emotional pressure which can be really unhealthy.

I disagree. I started going to a 'Spa Lady' with my mom and sister after I stopped HS sports and I got hooked. IT was when Step Aerobics was the range. I even ended up teaching classes for awhile. I liked the music, etc. 'Exerice if she wants to'...wake up America. If parents aren't active and don't show and promote an active lifestyle..their kids won't live that lifestyle. I was motiveated to run on my own--but it wasn't until I joined a woman's gym that I really got into weight lifting and the habit of daily exercise. It changes your mood and way of thinking. My mother did not play sports or work out as a kid and she says it played a large part in her not doing it when she was older. Now at 68- she goes to Golds gym daily with m y dad!

Thats an entirely different situation. OP does work out, so she's modeling just fine. And it doesn't sound like your mom sent you to this gym because she thought you were overweight. I'm a huge fan of exercise. I am not a huge fan of imposing exercise on a teen girl who doesn't want it because you think she's fat.

[Anonymous]

She will likely grow out of the chubbiness. Too many girls and women are obsessed with being super-skinny and harm their bodies in that quest. I would leave her alone and let her feel good about herself! Your family can take more walks or go to the pool for fun, but don't make her feel self-conscious or fat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will likely grow out of the chubbiness. Too many girls and women are obsessed with being super-skinny and harm their bodies in that quest. I would leave her alone and let her feel good about herself! Your family can take more walks or go to the pool for fun, but don't make her feel self-conscious or fat.

More women are obese than obsessed with super skinny. There are far more health issues in society related to obesity than to thinness or anorexia. Given the obesity percentages it would seem that many do not grow out of being chubby.

[Anonymous]

Hey, maybe you can get her to start yo-yo dieting, which is the surest route to obesity. That would be awesome.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be concerned as well. Tread delicately.

The sad truth is that in this country many parents and doctors see so many chubby children running around that their scale of reference is completely flawed. So you are up against a whole culture.

The other sad truth is that your teen daughter will resent you for years if you harp on this. I remember not caring when my pro-ana mother nagged me as a teen (my weight was normal, but that was "fat" for my mother). I exercised seriously only after the birth of my first child at 25. Now I am happy about my body, although I wish I did more cardio.

Is there a way you can talk to the doctor before the next appointment so that s/he can sneak in a little conversation on exercising?

Have patience. Maybe she is a little immature and has no developed self-image yet.

Can you bring her with you to yoga, which can be pretty demanding but is perceived as easy? Then you can do girl stuff together, like shopping or nails or just Starbucks as a yoga reward.
Or get a Wii and do the exercises during the winter.

Otherwise, wait it out. She might just astonish you in a few years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you look like, Mom? Not being snarky -- serious question.

I am fit, size 4.

This could be a way of rebelling against you. Very few people can stay size 4 without a pretty significant focus, this is her way of saying I can circumvent you. Food can be a very important method of control between kids and parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will likely grow out of the chubbiness. Too many girls and women are obsessed with being super-skinny and harm their bodies in that quest. I would leave her alone and let her feel good about herself! Your family can take more walks or go to the pool for fun, but don't make her feel self-conscious or fat.

More women are obese than obsessed with super skinny. There are far more health issues in society related to obesity than to thinness or anorexia. Given the obesity percentages it would seem that many do not grow out of being chubby.

First of all, I think plenty more women are obsessed with being super skinny, including women who are obese. Thats our culture. Anorexia is much, much more of a threat to health than obesity (and by the way, OP's daughter is not obese). Anorexia has the highest death rate of any psychiatric disease. These are often young people dying. And for the ones who don't die there are numerous, numerous health problems such as severe bone loss, which in itself has a death rate.

Yeah, obesity causes a host of health issues as well, but if I had a teenage girl who wasn't even obese and food had already become an issue of conflict (both the case with OP's DD) I would be far more concerned about anorexia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you look like, Mom? Not being snarky -- serious question.

I am fit, size 4.

This could be a way of rebelling against you. Very few people can stay size 4 without a pretty significant focus, this is her way of saying I can circumvent you. Food can be a very important method of control between kids and parents.

I was thinking this.

OP, I would not say a word about her weight. I would encourage mother-daughter time, like going swimming, horseback riding, or just taking a walk around the block. Make healthy meals together; I hope you eat, OP. Take her clothes shopping and get things that flatter her. Don't make comments about things that would fit her if she were thinner.

I would also make sure she's not sneaking food. My sister was depressed and was sneaking candy as a teen. She became overweight and still is today. I wished my parents had addressed this in a positive way when she was young. Just make sure she knows she's loved no matter what her size.

[Anonymous]

What about some sneaky working out? Yoga seems so calm and mellow, but then all of a sudden, you're sweating. What about going for a mommy/daughter hike?

[Anonymous]

As the parent of another young teen who has had with weight, I think that weight issues for teens, especially young teens, can fall into 3 categories, and I'd respond accordingly. I suspect your child is in category 1 (my own numbering system) but thought I'd offer all 3 for perspective.

1) Child has temporary issues with weight as a normal part of growing up. As kids transition from parental control to more independence with food;move from the social norms of childhood (lots of outdoor play, recess and PE at school, recreational sports activities) to those of adolescence/adulthood (far fewer social activities that include exercise, possibly no PE at school, sports programs generally limited to those who excel), and see their growth slow down as puberty draws to it's end, it's normal for their weight to fluctuate. Establishing lifelong habits, learning how to regulate on your own, and navigating temptations takes time.

For a "type 1" kid, I'd suggest continuing to model healthy habits, offer lots of healthy choices for both food and activities, involve your child in family things like a horseback riding outing, a day of whitewater rafting or a ski trip, but let her be in control. Don't nag or insist on her doing things. Don't make choices for her. Remembering that making good choices is a skill that takes practice and if you're deciding what she's going to eat or what days she exercises she isn't practicing the skill. In addition, be very careful about the messages you give her. You want her to grow up happy and confident in her body, not fixated on her weight. So avoid messages that might make her feel fat or less than perfect.

2) Child has weight issues that are symptoms of a bigger psychological problem. This might be a teen who overeats due to depression, or a kid with anorexia.

For a "type 2 kid" treat the mental illness first, and follow the guidance of those professionals on the weight issue.

3) Child's weight issues are ongoing and present immediate safety concerns. To be clear, I don't mean "Oh, she's on the border of the overweight category and I worry that her weight will creep up and she'll get . . . " I mean your child is significantly obese and shows signs of issues such as joint problems, high cholesterol, prediabetes symptoms etc . . .

In this case, and only in this case, I'd step in and take control, limiting portions, requiring exercise. I'd still do it without messages of "you're fat", and I'd do everything in my power to make the things my kid did enjoyable and the food they ate yummy, so that they'd learn to like the new way of living, but I'd prioritize my kid's health.