Hurtful adult daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we have a bunch of bridezillas projecting on this thread.

...who are clearly not fifty and over!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the daughter to a Mother who was never satisfied and have a hunch this is the same scenario. Something tells me nothing that this girl could have done would have been enough. I am guessing she tries to please you but ends up chasing her tail. I have been there and it took me years and years to finally realize, as the daughter, that it was NOT me. It took me several years of heartache to realize these were my mother's issues and I hope your DD doesn't beat herself up like I did for so many years about my Mother constantly not being pleased.

It takes 2 to tango! Maybe raising a brat caused some of her problems! It sounds like your Mom is at fault for caring too much.
These mother daughter issues are complex and to throw it all on your Mom might mean you really don't want a relationship with her.
Have you alienated your entire family?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. If you feel like you cannot please your mother, grow up and have a mature conversation.
You may find out that you feel like you could never please her because you are a cold, self centered person. Maybe you feel you could never please her because you did whatever you wanted growing up. Maybe you used her to get anything you wanted while you did anything you wanted. Yea, you can't please her and if she is smart she will set biglimitations on you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we have a bunch of bridezillas projecting on this thread.

...who are clearly not fifty and over!

+1!
I am not 50 either (39) bit I am here to read what 50+ think. I hate when people under 50 post here.

[Anonymous]

Old saying " as ye sow, so shall you reap"

[Anonymous]

I would give her space to enjoy her new marriage (and honeymoon, and possible career or baby plans.) Brides, especially ones with high expectations, are usually stressed out leading up to the wedding. If you say you are angry that you did not get a special dance, after the whirlwind she just went through, she will probably look at you like you are crazy. I hope that was not your only memory/takeaway from the experience.
Do not extend more money or shopping trips or pay for her vacation tickets. The best thing you can do for her is to make sure she can stand on her own two feet, and that your retirement is a stable and secure one, not give her everything she wants and then be resentful that she is not focusing on you in young adulthood. If she has kids she will learn that soon enough!

[Anonymous]

If it helps give you perspective: If your daughter were in a car accident and being kept alive on life support right now( happens to many moms every day in America), would you be seriously considering whether or not you should take her calls because she did not show significant enough gratitude at her wedding. I think you both need some perspective. Maybe you should both volunteer at a children's cancer ward.

[Anonymous]

Did you post last year about your daughter wanting an expensive wedding and you couldn't afford it?

[Anonymous]

While weddings can be very stressful, it sounds like this is an ongoing pattern of behavior. I think your assessment OP that you caused it by spoiling is spot on. your daughter has a sense of entitlement due to that and an expectation that you will give her whatever she wants (time, money, attention, resources) without an expectation that it will be reciprocated. She also likely controls the relationship in that she only wants these things on her terms. You have set up this dynamic and after all these years it is hard to change. Setting boundaries and limits is healthier for you but it will feel hurtful and rejecting and mean to her as that isn't her perception (based on experience) of how parents treat their children. I think that you have to be clear with her that respect going both ways is required and stop giving her things when she asks for them. Spoiling is in no way good parenting. Given she is an adult now your parenting days are mostly over - you need to establish a new pattern of adult child and parent that is set around different dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it helps give you perspective: If your daughter were in a car accident and being kept alive on life support right now( happens to many moms every day in America), would you be seriously considering whether or not you should take her calls because she did not show significant enough gratitude at her wedding. I think you both need some perspective. Maybe you should both volunteer at a children's cancer ward.

OP here. I do volunteer with home bound older folks.
What are you trying to say? That there are others less fortunate than us?
You are pompous, not helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a similar situation but I am the daughter. I could go on and on about how difficult things are between me and my mom. I have often had to remind my mom "everything is not about you". One of the problems is that she seems to have the parent/child roles mixed up in her mind. It's like she expects me to be HER parent sometimes. Like I am responsible for her emotional well being. Sometimes I think she's actually jealous of my kids!

For example, she would get upset because of something my husband did (doesn't he LIKE me?) or where I decided to let my dad hold my baby shower (it's not "neutral" territory"). Or the fact that I gave my baby MY last name as a middle name. Which she still happens to bear but it pisses her off because she is divorced from my dad.

Don't get me started on my wedding. There are plenty of pictures of my mom - but not a single one with a SMILE on her face. It was just SO upsetting for her to have to (fill in the blank - travel, be around her sister, be around her ex husband, whatever). Try talking to her - when she gets a bottle of wine in her - and just wait for the harsh, defensive, combative attack. I've taken to just going to bed whenever she visits so I can avoid the drunken confrontation/rehash of how horrible my dad is or whateve she's on about today.....

My mom has said to me, "Why is it that I see so many friends who have GREAT relationships with their children, and I have such a difficult relationship with you/your sister?". I replied, "I do't know mom. But have you ever thought about the idea that you might be 50% of the problem?

It's a shame, because since there has to be some sort of conflict every time we see each other, we spend less time together - and she's missing out on seeing her grandchildren as much as she could otherwise.

If I were you I would do what others have said. Stop giving. Stop being a doormat. Disengage. Don't take it personally. Treat her like you would treat any other realtive of whom you are fond, and expect the same courtesy and respect in return. You need to turn down the intensity of this relationship. LET IT GO.

[Anonymous]

A dad here. Had my share of struggles with my own parents, glad we made peace while both were still living. Miss both of them very much. Dealing with my own teens now & wonder how my parents stood me!

I've had friends with overbearing parents & friends with ungrateful children. We are all screwed up to some degree and some to extremes.

I suggest a disengagement. It takes 2 to fight. Don't call or visit, let her call or visit you. Be pleasant, don't "attack" or ask why she hasn't called before, etc. Say "good to hear from you", "how are you", innocent stuff like that. Don't unload problems when she asks same. "Doing OK". or something similar.If she starts on you about something just say you have to run, will talk later, thanks for calling and hang up. Let her do the fighting.

Keep it up awhile, let her do all the contacts. She can't say you are nagging or harassing her. You can alwasy say "you called me, I didn't call you."

Talk with husband about how much you will/will not do for her. Don't refuse something just to have DH give in or vice ersa. If you can't agree, do agree that 1 of you decides. "Talk with Dad about that". and let it go.

Maybe after some time, daughter will come around. Most children eventually mature & wise up while most parents mellow out in older years. Then it is possible to heal and move on together.

Meanwhile, rediscover your relationship with DH. Has it gotten stale? Rediscover movies, dinner out & wild sex at home (wild as you dare anyway). You can't change what happened in the past but don't let that rob you of your life now. You & DH owe it to yourselves to go on living and have a good life together.

BTW, how much $ have you spent with the therapist? I think they are highly overrated. They have their place, for sure but I have known a number of them who need more help than their patients. I knew a few people i ntherapy for years who never got past their problems. Try using some of that $ to live again or save for a rainy day.

[Anonymous]

I so feel your pain. My daughter was a bridezilla and her wedding was so hurtful for me. On the up side. She's now a young mom and turning into a nice person I can have fun with. Not all smooth sailing but getting much better. I thought I had ruined her with overindulgence but I'm seeing more of my basic values coming out as she matures. For now, give her some distance. Take care of yourself. Let her initiate contact. Make any gifts small and sentimental, not flashy.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter sounds like my sister (and her husband). They are self-centered and before their wedding all I heard was this is our big day and we get to do whatever we want. They told the photographer who to take photos of and what thy wanted (there photographer was awful, very cheesy photos but there were almost none of my parents). Growing up my sister was a squeaky wheel who got all the grease. She wound up being self-centered and s horrible to my Mom. My Mom spoiled her and my sister just wants more. It is so ad to see and my heart hurts for my mother. When my husband and I got married we paid for most of he wedding ourselves (his parents gave us money toward the wedding which was very nice and generous). My parents did not have the money to contribute which was fine. They gave us all hey old growing up and I will always be thankful for that. We included our parents in the wedding, asked their opinion about various planning aspects, and really tried to make sure that it was a joyous day or them as well. I have often wondered why my sister turned out to be so spoiled and narcissistic and my other sisters and I feel gratitude toward our parents. What I have concluded is that my parents enorced limits with us and they did not enforce them with my sister. She would basically whine and hound my parents until she got her way. She wound up spoiled and entitled. I don't put up with my sisters crap anymore and my Mom finally realized that no matter what she did for my sister, it would never be enough so she stopped trying. It has taken a while but my siter is finally realizing what a good Mom she had. Things still are not perfect but they are better.

I would stop doing what your daughter wants. Stop giving because it sound like she doesn't 't appreciate it. She may start to appreciate you when you stop doing what she wants. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You sound narcissitic to me OP. Move on and stop playing the victim role. My guess is your husband left you years ago and you feel like the world (especially your daughter) owes you something. Grow up and focus on someone other than yourself.