Hurtful adult daughter
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Anonymous
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I admit.....We spoiled our daughter. She has behaved in such a hurtful way toward us and has no clue. She has gone on her merry way while we are suffering. I don't know how to bring it up to her so therefore I don't want to be around her. This has given us a great deal of anxiety and has changed our plans as to where we want to retire.
Without getting into the details, we have spoiled her. We should have set more boundaries and not given her as much. We have spent a small fortune raising this child and it backfired. Any similar experiences? Any thoughts on how to move on with peace of mind? |
Anonymous
| Is it one particular incident that has you feeling this way or a lot of little things over the years? |
Anonymous
| OP here. It was one particular incident. Her wedding. There are no pictures of us, her parents. As the pictures come out, I am devastated. We did not dance one dance with each other because there was no slow dance. She was so mean to me the entire day that I did not want to even go to the wedding. I was shaking bynthe time we left. I think she was all about impressing her friends and could have cared less about her parents. This was a very expensive wedding and we are not rich. I just want to feel better about it and feel "emotionally safe" around her.....if that makes sense? |
Anonymous
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Give it a little time. The first year of marriage has a way of humbling every know-it-all bride. She'll come back to you. Give her distance. Try not to fill the silence with these negative memories. |
Anonymous
| Stop the spoiling now. You have to start somewhere. Set boundaries, no more handouts, No more using you. Eespond when she treats you respectfully. |
Anonymous
| I hope you are no longer spoiling her. Start setting boundaries now if you never have. No money. No extravagant presents. Be pleasant and keep your distance. You may never have the relationship you want, but at least you will have yourself. |
Anonymous
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OP, I suggest working with a therapist to figure out how you can change your behavior towards your daughter. If it's true that she is spoiled, after so many years it will be hard for you to stop spoiling her. She is probably quite an expert at manipulating you and you will need help to stand your ground. It's not too late to do the right thing but you will need someone on your side.
So sorry that you are going through this. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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OP, it also isn't her fault at this point if you've spent her life spoiling her. Of course she expected an extravagant over the top wedding, because you set her up for it. I say this as a spoiled daughter. My mother barely set boundaries growing up and gave my sister and I nearly everything we ever asked for (except the pony). We were honestly so sheltered that we did not understand that it was not normal to get everything one asked for at all times. Imagine the mess my husband is dealing with from the effects of that. I was a ungrateful, spoiled brat, and am still working to get over it.
Your daughter is probably unhappy as well because you set her up to believe in a world that does not exist. One where she's the center of everything. I do not have children yet, but really plan to raise them differently. |
Anonymous
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OP here: Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have been talking to my therapist for years about this problem. She is all about STOP doing nice things for her and not to let her treat me poorly. My daughter tells me I give her anxiety when I approach the subject. She is coming home later this month and I am honestly don't want to be around her. I think my next approach is going to be to tell her I am not responsible for her happiness, nor she mine. At the same time, I will permit her to treat me poorly. I have suggested that she get help.....she will not. It's her journey.
I have to let go of thinking that I need to suck it up because I don't want to damage our future relationship! I really thought I was a good parent.....not so much! |
Anonymous
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I am the immediate PP. I am also struck by the fact that her wedding is what set you over the edge. This is telling, you spent money, with strings attached, and she did not live up to what you expected, i.e. giving you enough attention at her wedding. This incident was SO bad that you are willing to change where you retire, ostensibly so you don't have to see her?
Maybe she did it on purpose because she feels that you manipulate her with money? Are gifts your love language? |
Anonymous
| PP. that could be true.....and don't think I haven't thought of that. Without a doubt, this relationship is damaged. Feeling depressed about it! |
Anonymous
| It sounds like there is a lack of respect going on here. Maybe the spoiling is related to that. Are you spoiling her to make up for something else (subconsciously or not)? Does she just demand/expect material things or is she disrespectful in ways unrelated to wether she is getting what she wants? |
Anonymous
Why on earth would you discuss this with her? Just stop. When she asks for something extravagant or inconvenient, just say no. If she wails that she doesn't know what she'll do if you don't help her, say gently and lovingly "Honey, you're a smart woman and an adult. I'm sure you'll figure it out. I believe in you. I know you can stand on your own two feet." You're creating a lot of drama around a process that should be natural and gently done. You're setting boundaries and gently shoving her out into the world as an adult, not disowning her. It sounds like you're really enjoying this mess. |
Anonymous
| You sound very manipulative OP, everyone here is adults. Act like it. |
Anonymous
| You seem like you dig martyrdom. Did you ever communicate your expectations re the wedding or did she fail some unspoken test? Sounds like you both are adept at emotionally manipulating each other. Sorry. Maybe get a new therapist? |