Hurtful adult daughter

[Anonymous]

I am struggling with my very young daughter. We spoil her. What would you do differently, PP. I really want to get this right.

To the OP, I am so sorry you feel this way. This was an emotional event. But my take is that you shouldn't focus your whole relationship on ths wedding (I am not sure how your daughter had control over the photographer). I also think you need some distance from her for awhile.

I have the world's best 73 yo mom. You know why? I was an absolute nighmare growing up but she always forgave me. And she is still forgiving me today when I don't call for a few days, don't get her bday present bc my child was sick, etc. I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH! BTW, I don't think I was spoiled, though my parents clearly made me feel like the center of their lives. Is started working at 16 yo and haven't stop working since. (I am 45).

[Anonymous]

PP here, I was referring to the 8:33 poster on how not to spoil my daughter. She is only 5 and we are already having mother/daughter issues!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how self- centered! it was HER wedding, it was all about her!!! who cares about you. If you would have been a close mom you would have even been part of the planning but for a reason (that doesn't have to do with the "spoiling"), she didn't include you in the planning of the most important day of her life.

If she paid for it herself, maybe.

Why do educated young couples expect parents to pay for "it is all about me" weddings? Yuk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very manipulative OP, everyone here is adults. Act like it.

I agree. All we have so far is that she didn't do a slow dance (not all weddings have to have slow dances) and she was "mean" to you on her wedding day - my guess is that she was hurried, like all brides.

I agree, you sound like a controlling bitch. This is a great way to never meet your grand kids. Remember, your daughter didn't ask to be born, that was your choice so stop blaming her for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how self- centered! it was HER wedding, it was all about her!!! who cares about you. If you would have been a close mom you would have even been part of the planning but for a reason (that doesn't have to do with the "spoiling"), she didn't include you in the planning of the most important day of her life.

If she paid for it herself, maybe.

Why do educated young couples expect parents to pay for "it is all about me" weddings? Yuk.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how self- centered! it was HER wedding, it was all about her!!! who cares about you. If you would have been a close mom you would have even been part of the planning but for a reason (that doesn't have to do with the "spoiling"), she didn't include you in the planning of the most important day of her life.

Wedding is not nor should it be only about the bride.

I disagree. Unless you're the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William, the wedding is about the couple - they're the only ones whose presence is required.

I had a $5000 wedding, and it was perfect for us. There's no way I would have accepted money from our parents, especially with strings attached.

OP, I can't believe you have an adult daughter, because you don't sound very mature yourself. If these wedding non-incidents sends you into a tailspin, who knows what other tantrums your daughter had to put up with through the years. Maybe your plan of putting some distance between you two is a good one, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how self- centered! it was HER wedding, it was all about her!!! who cares about you. If you would have been a close mom you would have even been part of the planning but for a reason (that doesn't have to do with the "spoiling"), she didn't include you in the planning of the most important day of her life.

Wedding is not nor should it be only about the bride.

I disagree. Unless you're the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William, the wedding is about the couple - they're the only ones whose presence is required.

I had a $5000 wedding, and it was perfect for us. There's no way I would have accepted money from our parents, especially with strings attached.

OP, I can't believe you have an adult daughter, because you don't sound very mature yourself. If these wedding non-incidents sends you into a tailspin, who knows what other tantrums your daughter had to put up with through the years. Maybe your plan of putting some distance between you two is a good one, after all.

Couple <> Bride. Also, OP paid for the wedding from her apparently limited funds. That kind of changes the equation.

[Anonymous]

So I was not spoiled as a child, trust me, we barely had money so it wasn't possible. My mother and I had a REALLY rough time during wedding planning, our communication was just really really off. It took until I had my first child to realize how bad things were. I took some blame and she took some blame. Do NOT reject her, that's not fair to her. Talk to her how you feel. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, ask her how she feels. The fact that she's spoiled couldn't have been a surprise to you, what about the wedding made you expect differently? She may have treated you badly at the wedding because she was nervous and couldn't act out to anyone else.

All just thoughts. Give her the benefit of the doubt, she's your daughter, set your boundaries but don't throw her away.

[Anonymous]

The first in my group of friends got married when she was 23. All my friends had a great time. However her parents (who paid for the wedding) were not really treated with the respect they should have been given. Fast forward, we are all older and my friend regrets that her main focus was making sure her friends had a good time. She regrets being selfish.
I agree the wedding is not all about the bride.

[Anonymous]

I am the daughter to a Mother who was never satisfied and have a hunch this is the same scenario. Something tells me nothing that this girl could have done would have been enough. I am guessing she tries to please you but ends up chasing her tail. I have been there and it took me years and years to finally realize, as the daughter, that it was NOT me. It took me several years of heartache to realize these were my mother's issues and I hope your DD doesn't beat herself up like I did for so many years about my Mother constantly not being pleased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mother, always expecting back but never giving what matters. Maybe someone needs to tell you that you are at fault. No child has to do anything to make you happy, what did you do? dis you spend time with her when she ws little, do you know what she likes the most? her favorite books growing up? or you were always focusing on you. As adults sometimes we just can't help it but there is a lot of resentment.

This is me, exactly. My mother does not have a good relationship with me or my brother. It is better, and I think she has put in a lot of effort, but still, she doesn't really know us and doesn't understand how our childhood has impacted the relationship we have now. Her response, "Get over it." Easy to say, but it doesn't really feel like she fully understands how my brother and I feel. We both moved away from home, which she likes to make us feel guilty about. So she was never there as a parent (we were not spoiled by money, we had none) and now she thinks we should just magically forget that and she thinks we should want to be around her. She doesn't know what foods I liked/disliked as a child. She doesn't know what books I liked.

Good luck OP. I agree about just giving her some space. Let her show you she can do it on her own. Maybe she just needs to be given the opportunity to prove she doesn't need you. Be a proud parent, realize all the things you did right. Did she go to college? Does he have a job? You said she got married. These things are most likely (even in some way) related to your actions.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you have a real victim mentality OP. It takes two to tango and you need to take responsibility for your half of the relationship. Someone can't walk all over you if you don't let them.

I would dig deeper with that therapist of yours to figure out what is really going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the daughter to a Mother who was never satisfied and have a hunch this is the same scenario. Something tells me nothing that this girl could have done would have been enough. I am guessing she tries to please you but ends up chasing her tail. I have been there and it took me years and years to finally realize, as the daughter, that it was NOT me. It took me several years of heartache to realize these were my mother's issues and I hope your DD doesn't beat herself up like I did for so many years about my Mother constantly not being pleased.

Project much?

[Anonymous]

I think we have a bunch of bridezillas projecting on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have been talking to my therapist for years about this problem. She is all about STOP doing nice things for her and not to let her treat me poorly. My daughter tells me I give her anxiety when I approach the subject. She is coming home later this month and I am honestly don't want to be around her. I think my next approach is going to be to tell her I am not responsible for her happiness, nor she mine. At the same time, I will permit her to treat me poorly. I have suggested that she get help.....she will not. It's her journey.
I have to let go of thinking that I need to suck it up because I don't want to damage our future relationship!
I really thought I was a good parent.....not so much!

My DD ??? I just had a reveal this summer. I don't care anymore! I do regret spending so much time of my life on THEM and should have traveled to see friends etc. I tried but it didn't work out. Not even worth stressing myself out anymore.

When DD has her own home-apt, house, etc I would visit as a dinner guest but never hang out. Stay in hotel if out of the area and visit if there ever is a grandchild. Wedding and family involvement? Wear a wonderful little black dress I already own and show up for the event.

I appreciate your honesty PP, but it really just makes me so sad for both you and your DD. In fact, I may be your DD based on the way you describe your feelings. I'm not blaming you, I'm really not. But I am just pretty sure my mother feels this way about me.