Hurtful adult daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have been talking to my therapist for years about this problem. She is all about STOP doing nice things for her and not to let her treat me poorly. My daughter tells me I give her anxiety when I approach the subject. She is coming home later this month and I am honestly don't want to be around her. I think my next approach is going to be to tell her I am not responsible for her happiness, nor she mine. At the same time, I will permit her to treat me poorly. I have suggested that she get help.....she will not. It's her journey.
I have to let go of thinking that I need to suck it up because I don't want to damage our future relationship!
I really thought I was a good parent.....not so much!

My DD ??? I just had a reveal this summer. I don't care anymore! I do regret spending so much time of my life on THEM and should have traveled to see friends etc. I tried but it didn't work out. Not even worth stressing myself out anymore.

When DD has her own home-apt, house, etc I would visit as a dinner guest but never hang out. Stay in hotel if out of the area and visit if there ever is a grandchild. Wedding and family involvement? Wear a wonderful little black dress I already own and show up for the event.

[Anonymous]

Weddings are tought. You can't go back and change anything. Move forwards from here. Take a vacation. Some place you have always wanted to go....use money you put aside for your dd if you have any left. She will take the wedding stuff as an attact on herself. Pull back and let her go. The next stage you can change the relationship is after the baby is born. Sorry and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I have been talking to my therapist for years about this problem. She is all about STOP doing nice things for her and not to let her treat me poorly. My daughter tells me I give her anxiety when I approach the subject. She is coming home later this month and I am honestly don't want to be around her. I think my next approach is going to be to tell her I am not responsible for her happiness, nor she mine. At the same time, I will permit her to treat me poorly. I have suggested that she get help.....she will not. It's her journey.
I have to let go of thinking that I need to suck it up because I don't want to damage our future relationship!
I really thought I was a good parent.....not so much!

OP, don't dwell too much on the past. Be a good parent now and disengage from your daughter's drama - which may (and I say "may," not "will") influence her to do some growing up on her own. The other pps are right. You don't have to explain anything or convince her you're right. Just figure out where your limits are and gently but firmly make them clear. You can have a good life and you can open the way for your daughter to have a better life than she has - but letting her manipulate you won't make her life better.

Good luck! I can tell how hard this has been on you. I hope it gets better!

[Anonymous]

Stop spoiling immediately. Let her wedding go. If she asks for anything, say, "Sorry, we can't give you that." If she asks why either tell her "We spent all our extra money on your wedding" or "Because you're an adult now and have to provide for yourself."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the immediate PP. I am also struck by the fact that her wedding is what set you over the edge. This is telling, you spent money, with strings attached, and she did not live up to what you expected, i.e. giving you enough attention at her wedding. This incident was SO bad that you are willing to change where you retire, ostensibly so you don't have to see her?

Maybe she did it on purpose because she feels that you manipulate her with money? Are gifts your love language?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very manipulative OP, everyone here is adults. Act like it.

I agree. All we have so far is that she didn't do a slow dance (not all weddings have to have slow dances) and she was "mean" to you on her wedding day - my guess is that she was hurried, like all brides.

[Anonymous]

like PP, I challenge you to consider whether money is your love language. If so, you need to find a way to make your daughter feel loved without spoiling her - if you just refuse the gifts, she will be hurt on a deeply emotional level. Talk to her about it - she's grown.

[Anonymous]

Did she have control over the photographer? I'm not understanding the central complaint here, that you did not appear in wedding photos. Were there posed pictures of the family? Did you appear in those? Did you not appear in the casual photos? I'm not really sure how you can blame her for that, unless she followed the photographer around dictating his choice of photo opportunities. Your daughter may be spoiled, OP, but you sound very petty and kind of passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

OP- sorry to tell you, there is no fixing it really. If you used money and things all along and if you try and fix it your DD will be hurt because her only expectation of your love towards her is when you buy her things. You don't buy her anything, you don't lover her anymore. At least that's how it works out in her mind. And at your age, you aren't likely to be able to change how you act either.

Money is cheap. Time is expensive. Should have spent your time on her and not your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- sorry to tell you, there is no fixing it really. If you used money and things all along and if you try and fix it your DD will be hurt because her only expectation of your love towards her is when you buy her things. You don't buy her anything, you don't lover her anymore. At least that's how it works out in her mind. And at your age, you aren't likely to be able to change how you act either.

Money is cheap. Time is expensive. Should have spent your time on her and not your money.

??? How do you know that she spent money rather than time on her daughter?

Also, it is not true that "money is cheap, time is expensive". That only holds for rich/busy people. For poor people, usually time is cheap and money is expensive. And OP said she wasn't rich.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my mother, always expecting back but never giving what matters. Maybe someone needs to tell you that you are at fault. No child has to do anything to make you happy, what did you do? dis you spend time with her when she ws little, do you know what she likes the most? her favorite books growing up? or you were always focusing on you. As adults sometimes we just can't help it but there is a lot of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she have control over the photographer? I'm not understanding the central complaint here, that you did not appear in wedding photos. Were there posed pictures of the family? Did you appear in those? Did you not appear in the casual photos? I'm not really sure how you can blame her for that, unless she followed the photographer around dictating his choice of photo opportunities. Your daughter may be spoiled, OP, but you sound very petty and kind of passive-aggressive.

I'm wondering if you aren't in the photos because you weren't really participating because of the argument with your daughter? My BIL got married last year and my MIL mentioned more than once that she thought there weren't many pictures of her family at the reception. Almost all of the candid shots were taken on the dance floor, and most of her family sat at tables talking, so they're not in many of the shots - is it possible this is why you aren't in the photos, or were there no posed shots as well?

Weddings seem to be a great time for hurt feelings...I don't think we have a great sense of what's going on between you and your daughter from what you've posted, but plenty of people who have great relationships have arguments or tense times during weddings and wedding planning.

[Anonymous]

how self- centered! it was HER wedding, it was all about her!!! who cares about you. If you would have been a close mom you would have even been part of the planning but for a reason (that doesn't have to do with the "spoiling"), she didn't include you in the planning of the most important day of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mother, always expecting back but never giving what matters. Maybe someone needs to tell you that you are at fault. No child has to do anything to make you happy, what did you do? dis you spend time with her when she ws little, do you know what she likes the most? her favorite books growing up? or you were always focusing on you. As adults sometimes we just can't help it but there is a lot of resentment.

.

You sound like a spoiled brat that blames parents for everything. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how self- centered! it was HER wedding, it was all about her!!! who cares about you. If you would have been a close mom you would have even been part of the planning but for a reason (that doesn't have to do with the "spoiling"), she didn't include you in the planning of the most important day of her life.

Wedding is not nor should it be only about the bride.