My child's "love language" is "physical touch," and mine is not. Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any suggestions for you as a parent, but as a child of someone exactly like you, I will ask you to make the effort for your child. My mother was like this and I have always been very touchy-feely and very vocal emotionally. The lack of physical contact with my mom, who would get very overwhelmed by it and avoided it consequently, was very hard for me. I remember laying on her lap, like a puppy, when she was on the couch, and asking her repeatedly if she loved me (I probably started doing this when I was 8 or so.) I am still that way, I believe partly because of how it was addressed when I was a child. Nowadays I have to hold myself not to ask DH and even DC if they love me, on a daily basis. Even years of therapy haven't stopped this urge (even though, and I want to make this clear, rationally I know they love me, just like I know my mom does.)

I'm the same way. very insecure. my mom was not abusive, but she was not really "there", not very affectionate, did not relate to me very well. I struggle to relate to my toddler children in the way they need me to.

[Anonymous]

NP here
I was thinking about my three year olds and how they come up to me and talk, and talk, and talk, and repeat the same phrase over and over and over until my ears bleed. I am naturally introverted and quiet and I often feel anxious and overwhelmed at the end of a day when I have been trying to be responsive the whole day long. I think this is a similar issue. I just say, Mommy needs some quiet now, or mommy needs some space now. I hope this is not too wounding/abandoning, but I guess they would always prefer I meet them exactly where they are at every moment, who wouldn't?

[Anonymous]

OP,
We have varying degrees of inherent touchy-feely-ness in our family, and I do think that it's normal to get sick of giving out something that isn't natural to you ALL DAY. That said, if you are feeling some degree of distaste for her touch even at times when you are refreshed and rested, then I would seek therapy to explore your end of all this.

Some things that help in our family:
1) Preemptive snuggling. We have touch built into ritual parts of our day: We wake up and snuggle for a few minutes, we have a special big goodbye hug at parting. We have a BIG squeeze and two big kisses at pick-up. We hold hands and pray before dinner. We have a last long cuddle during books before bed.

2) We talk a lot about how everyone needs different things, and give everyone some breaks when they ask for it. We typically turn on some music and take a break from the activity (talking, touching, etc.) for one song.

3) I truly do buy into the love language theory, and while everyone needs all forms of love to some degree, for many kids, there is one expression of love that speaks to them more than others. So for us, the child who most needs touch, we are really, really careful about how we touch them. We feel strongly that angry or unkind touching is more hurtful to this child, so we are very careful to "scold with words, praise with touch."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hear you. Ignore the stupid trolls sending you to therapy. It's totally normal. How old is your child?

I'm at a breaking point now... all 3 (DH, DD and my newborn) crave this physical closeness and I'm dying for some space. At one point last weekend I had DD sitting on my lap while I BF the baby and DH was laying on my leg. I could not breathe but they were all so happy I could not bring myself to ask them to move. It didn't last long and I just tolerated it.

DD needs to touch me no matter what we're doing. She's 2 and even when we're eating together she has to touch me under the table rubbing her toes on my leg or even holding hands!!! LOL I write a journal for them to read when they grow up and just yesterday I asked her why she wants to hold hands during dinner but insists in trying to run away when we're at a parking lot HAHA

Anyway, it won't last forever and part of it in my case is hormonal (I read somewhere that when you have a baby your hormones make you icky to physical touch as a birth control measure to protect the new baby and your milk supply).

I know it won't last forever so right now I just suck it up. DH knows how I feel and he's pretty good at giving me space most of the time and for 1 hour every day I go away somewhere just by myself so I can get rid of the icky feeling.

No, it's not totally normal, and part of being a parent is stepping outside our comfort zone in any case for the good of the kids. Kids need physical affection, some more than others. If therapy is needed, then OP should do it, but it's probably not.

So your point is.... ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would people with such issues have kids? More than one at that?

You're a moron. Some people develop this "issue" later on. It's hormonal. And some kids are not as touchy. How did you know what kind of kid you'd get? Huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is 2. It doesn't matter what her "love language" is. Forget whatever quiz you took or whatever paradigm you feel you fit into. All two year olds like a lot of physical closeness. All two year olds want to be on your lap, in your face, holding your hands, touching your body. Your body still belongs to them in pretty primal ways and will for another couple of years. They are very young children still, many of them still nurse into the second year of life.

Little kids this age hold hands, hug, touch, get close, sensory seek. It's not a "love language." It's early childhood. Their bodies are small.

It IS a love language and there's no "quiz".

I've cared for a lot of children and some are just more touchy than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
We have varying degrees of inherent touchy-feely-ness in our family, and I do think that it's normal to get sick of giving out something that isn't natural to you ALL DAY. That said, if you are feeling some degree of distaste for her touch even at times when you are refreshed and rested, then I would seek therapy to explore your end of all this.

Some things that help in our family:
1) Preemptive snuggling. We have touch built into ritual parts of our day: We wake up and snuggle for a few minutes, we have a special big goodbye hug at parting. We have a BIG squeeze and two big kisses at pick-up. We hold hands and pray before dinner. We have a last long cuddle during books before bed.

2) We talk a lot about how everyone needs different things, and give everyone some breaks when they ask for it. We typically turn on some music and take a break from the activity (talking, touching, etc.) for one song.

3) I truly do buy into the love language theory, and while everyone needs all forms of love to some degree, for many kids, there is one expression of love that speaks to them more than others. So for us, the child who most needs touch, we are really, really careful about how we touch them. We feel strongly that angry or unkind touching is more hurtful to this child, so we are very careful to "scold with words, praise with touch."

This is great advice. I like the pre-emptive snuggling idea.

I also disagree with prior posters that think all children are this touchy. Simply not the case. I am a very touchy person with my loved ones and my DS (23 months) absolutely is not. He will sit on my lap to read stories and is definitely more clingy in certain new situations or when lots of people are around, but somewhere with gaining toddler independence he really lost interest in some cuddliness. I have to sneak in snuggles when picking him up to carry him down the stairs at times or to put him in the car! At night after reading books he is so excited to get into the crib that he just points to the crib and says "bed bed bed" -- no need to cuddle in mom's arms. And he really does not like it when other people aside me and my husband, and his trusted daycare teachers or babysitters, try to pick him up etc. This is not to say that he is never touching us -- he loves playing a game where he runs from one part to another and falls on us and loves being whirled around etc -- he is just an active toddler and he doesn't have time or patience for cuddles/snuggles. He will yell "I LOVE YOU MOMMY" unprompted and show love in his own way.

So anyway -- guess my point is that I think it's normal for you to be one way and your daughter to be another and 100% it is worth making an effort to meet her needs by giving her unconditional love, but overall -- there is nothing wrong with you and or her either.

[Anonymous]

I think I'm a snuggly person, but even I sometimes need a little break from my DD's snuggliness! So I just say to her kindly and lovingly, "I love you so much, sweetie, but right now mommy wants some space. So let me give you one BIIIIIIIIIIIG hug so you can put in in the bank! I'll kiss your hand *SSSSSSMMMMMOOOOOOOCH!* so you can hold it up to your cheek when you need another one. And then a bit later we'll do more hugging! Right now, I want some me-space."

And then we do cuddle morning, randomly during the day if I pop up from my basement office to the main floor when she's home, and definitely at bedtime.

[Anonymous]

OP back: thank you all so much for the helpful comments, empathy, and suggestions!

[Anonymous]

Hi there is got a step son.. He is my world we get along great he loves to hang out with me play video games, but he is adhd and add. Fragile x.. But we got one problem no one has ever abused him. Or did any thing to him. He just don't. Like physical tuch he don't like to be huged or kissed in won't to no why that may be. I ask him and he says nothing. He rubbes his hands together and go, s about his day I really love him and I do discipline. Him but never to far with it. I just won't to hug him because him and his mother has got my heart I'm just don't know what to do will someone. Please help me and my family......
Sincerely. Robert

[Anonymous]

Sorry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, snuggle with your kid. Deal.

Amen. The overly-analytic issues on this board are starting to veer into the crazy, just get out of your own head and things get a LOT easier.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, I have the opposite problem. I LOVE to snuggle and my love language is definitely touch; my DH and DC both dislike it. My mom is also not big on it. Despite the occasional hurt feeling (on my part; mostly feeling rejected when my overtures are rebuffed), I've survived just fine, and learned some strategies over the years that may help.

First, and PPs have flagged this, make sure your child knows she is well-loved. Make sure to tell her, show her, hug her. Even if she doesn't get as much overt affection as she would like, that will make the difference between feeling "not good enough," rejected, distant from you, etc and having a good relationship with you.

Be honest with her about what YOU need, and like. OF COURSE a toddler needs affection, but you don't want to feel smothered. I have memories of my mom gently telling me she needed space, then kissing my head and sending me off to play. She was never upset about that, just matter-of-fact. And she always made a BIG deal when I made something for her, (a sandwich, a picture, or something at school) or helped her make dinner, clean up, etc. Those were our special times, and helped me feel close to her, even without the touch.

Redirect. Give her a special teddy bear, blanket, or doll, that she can love to pieces. Encourage her to hug it, take care of it, etc. I would WEAR OUT my special blankets, hugging and dragging them around the house. I still find snuggling up under blankets to be comforting.

Third, realize your daughter NEEDS to show her affection, so try to give her an appropriate alternative. In addition to giving big hugs to my dad, I was fortunate that my aunt was super snuggly. I loved seeing her, and she made sure to give me extra hugs, hold my hand, and generally keep me close when we got together. She loved it, I loved it, my family loved it. Win win. Can your DH, family member, or close friend play that role?

At some point, your DC will need to learn that not everyone likes to be hugged, or touched. Learning about boundaries from a parent, one who clearly loves and nurtures, is probably one of the kindest lessons you can give your child. Good luck, OP! You sound like a good mom to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be mean, but I dated a guy who was like this, and it was a big factor in our breakup. I didn't want to have kids with someone who was so clearly uncomfortable with physical affection. It made me feel like sh*t as his girlfriend, and I thought it would be worse for a kid.

Try to suck it up as much as you can. (or maybe try to be sweaty all the time? my kid knows not to hug me when we've just finished a workout/run. lol.) When your kid is older, he/she will likely grow out of it or you can explain that you're just not that physical. You might also want to talk to someone about why you're like this; you might get some coping strategies.

Not to be mean, but I am prob the opposite end of the spectrum, and I have dated people who were too touchy-feely, and it was a factor in our breakup too, b/c I couldn't imagine a future where this person's neediness seemed like a bottomless cup. It really takes all kinds!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am similar to you but I go out of my way to be really affectionate with DC because I am hoping not to pass it on. I had to train myself initially to be affectionate in relationships with men, so by the time DC came along, I actually looked forward to snuggling her.

So it's your problem to get over, but its not a bad problem to have.