My child's "love language" is "physical touch," and mine is not. Suggestions?
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Anonymous
My mother died when I was four and the most affectionate my father was an occasional half hug and a kiss on topic my mess. I was so starved for affection that I was looking for love in all the wrong places and it made feel I was unworthy of being loved. Get some help before you do the same to your DD. |
Anonymous
| Top of head not mess. |
Anonymous
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Not to be mean, but I dated a guy who was like this, and it was a big factor in our breakup. I didn't want to have kids with someone who was so clearly uncomfortable with physical affection. It made me feel like sh*t as his girlfriend, and I thought it would be worse for a kid.
Try to suck it up as much as you can. (or maybe try to be sweaty all the time? my kid knows not to hug me when we've just finished a workout/run. lol.) When your kid is older, he/she will likely grow out of it or you can explain that you're just not that physical. You might also want to talk to someone about why you're like this; you might get some coping strategies. |
Anonymous
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OP, how old is your child? Part of it may be who your child is, and part of it may be just where she is developmentally. I actually am a pretty touchy person and so is my DD, so this isn't a problem for us. You've gotten a lot of criticism but a few nuggets of advice too.
Can you say, for example, "Ok, we're going to snuggle for 5min and then you are going to play legos and I'm going to read my book." Often times my 2YO DD will now sit down next to me and we'll read our books together. Can you find things to do together in close proximity - read, bake cookies, color - where you can occasionally have contact (e.g. helping her stir the cookie batter) but aren't nonstop touching? Would that perhaps help both of you? Enlist your DH or a mother's helper or something to also give you some alone time each day, even if it's just 15min to allow you some physical space which may help re-center you to accept more of your daughter's need for touch. |
Anonymous
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OP I hear you. Ignore the stupid trolls sending you to therapy. It's totally normal. How old is your child?
I'm at a breaking point now... all 3 (DH, DD and my newborn) crave this physical closeness and I'm dying for some space. At one point last weekend I had DD sitting on my lap while I BF the baby and DH was laying on my leg. I could not breathe but they were all so happy I could not bring myself to ask them to move. It didn't last long and I just tolerated it. DD needs to touch me no matter what we're doing. She's 2 and even when we're eating together she has to touch me under the table rubbing her toes on my leg or even holding hands!!! LOL I write a journal for them to read when they grow up and just yesterday I asked her why she wants to hold hands during dinner but insists in trying to run away when we're at a parking lot HAHA Anyway, it won't last forever and part of it in my case is hormonal (I read somewhere that when you have a baby your hormones make you icky to physical touch as a birth control measure to protect the new baby and your milk supply). I know it won't last forever so right now I just suck it up. DH knows how I feel and he's pretty good at giving me space most of the time and for 1 hour every day I go away somewhere just by myself so I can get rid of the icky feeling. |
Anonymous
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I dont see what hte big deal is hug and snuggle with her and when you need space let her know... "Emily I love you so much but right now I need some personal space so 2 more minutes of snuggles and then we are going to be all done"
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Anonymous
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NP here. I am a touchy huggy person, but I know that some of it is that I crave that kind of contact after having an abusive childhood. I agree with suggestions of PPs to up the verbal or the "gift"-giving (surprise her with favorite foods for a meal or special one-on-one time for a favorite activity or a trip to the store or library just the two of you). DH and I have also been working on offering affection ("can I give you a hug?") rather than asking for it ("can I have a hug?") at bedtime and in the morning or after nap. I am not quite in your situation, as DS is entering the independent phase so I don't mind it when he wants to be close to me. Of course, there are times when he's playing and I sit down in the room and he moves to be half on my leg and I really do just want some space.
And, I should add that I use pretty much all my tolerance for physical contact up taking care of DS (I'm at home with him) and really don't want to be casually touched by DH most of the time. We have sex and hug and kiss good morning and good night, but I don't want him standing close or sitting close on the couch or rubbing my shoulders or anything like that. So, I do get how you feel. |
Anonymous
| I think you need to figure out if your daughter is sensory seeking (I can't tell from what you've posted). If so, she may not need physical touch from you as much as other ways to put pressure on her body - things like rolling her up in a blanket like a hot dog. I'd do some reading on dealing with sensory seeking kids and see if any of those ideas help (look at OT websites to start). |
Anonymous
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I feel the same way you do- and luckily my 3 YO son is not so into the snuggly-hand-holding scenario you've described. Holding your hand through dinner? That's too much.
If I were you, I'd tell her snuggle time is for the couch when reading stories. |
Anonymous
| Glad you're recognizing this and trying to work with your daughter on helping fulfill her needs. Maybe also get a dog or cat? My mom was not very touchy-feely so we compensated by hugging the poor cat (almost to death). |
Anonymous
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I also recommend therapy but maybe just short term therapy with a cognitive specialist to give you a different way to view the physical contact and make it easier for you.
My husband doesn't love to be touched all the time, which is not that uncommon in adults, but he loves having the kids touch him, sit on him, etc. I don't think it's right to say that because your language of love isn't touch that it's quite normal to be so distressed by a kid's touch. I'm not saying you need therapy because there is something wrong with you, I just think that both of you will be better off if you can make it less stressful for you. |
Anonymous
| NP, here. My 10 yo DD has been EXTREMELY sensory seeking all of her life. She is very bright and independent, but will literally claw the skin off of my body after sitting next to me for several minutes. I hug and kiss her everyday and really only snuggle when she really seems to want it. I hear you OP. Some kids are GRINDERS. My DD is. She rides horses and loves gymnastics because she just likes to give and receive physical pressure. My main goal as her mother is TO JUST KEEP HER OFF THE POLE, you know? |
Anonymous
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I feel like this when my PMS hormones are raging and I'm very stressed. But I honestly don't know what to tell you if you feel like this all the time because I can't relate. When I feel "touched out" it has a weird "off" feeling to me.
In a related topic, after hugging with my child all day I often don't feel like being touched by my husband, especially affectionate non-sexual touches. It's weird to me. Ugh. |
Anonymous
| Why would people with such issues have kids? More than one at that? |
Anonymous
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OP, your daughter is 2. It doesn't matter what her "love language" is. Forget whatever quiz you took or whatever paradigm you feel you fit into. All two year olds like a lot of physical closeness. All two year olds want to be on your lap, in your face, holding your hands, touching your body. Your body still belongs to them in pretty primal ways and will for another couple of years. They are very young children still, many of them still nurse into the second year of life.
Little kids this age hold hands, hug, touch, get close, sensory seek. It's not a "love language." It's early childhood. Their bodies are small. |