My child's "love language" is "physical touch," and mine is not. Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, thanks, all. I will keep snuggling with her and holding her hand at dinner and doing all the things she needs. I"ll destress in other ways, so that she doens't feel like I don't love her. I love her immensely; it's just interesting how diff people feel and interpet love. I dont' want her to grow up feeling unloved, like some of you have posted. I feel bad for you after reading these stories and it makes me feel really sad to imagine my DD feeling this way in, say, 20-30 years. Ok, thank you all for your input. OP

Do you tell her that you love her, unprompted every day? Do you tell her things about her that you like and admire? What I'm saying is, you say your primary language is not touch? What is it? If it's gifts of service, do you make special things just for her and tell her so? It sounds like you don't like to be touched (therapy?) and that's it. You wincingly embrace your child but then fancy yourself to be a good mom because you, what, pay the mortgage? Up EVERY OTHER love language towards your child and maybe she will become less touchy feely. You may just find it less work to give her a hug.

And also, if YOU start to initiate some of the affection, she might need less. Get into a routine. Big hugs at bed time or lunch time, for example. Be physical with her when you are going stuff. Like give her a hug when you put her coat on or something. I just find this so weird - Don't you love her? Don't you like her? Don't you think she is wonderful? Aren't ever just awe inspired by how she is growing and changing? And your resonse is never to want a hug or a kiss or even pat her on the back? Wow. I feel sorry for her.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

I am kind of bothered by some of these responses because I don't feel like you are saying you don't want to be physically affectionate or haven't been with your child. In fact, the opposite. I agree with initiating with hugs or snuggling while reading a book but you don't have to be physically connected all of the time and she can learn to appreciate other forms of affectionate and your needs for personal space and maybe by talking with her she will respect that. Be open and communicate, you are a person with needs, too. I.e. during dinner we are eating and talking together and I love that part of our day, but holding hands makes it difficult for me to enjoy my meal. This doesn't mean you don't love and adore her and enjoy physical affection.

[Anonymous]

You can be affectionate and loving and still set boundaries and have your own personal space. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive.

I would not hold hands while we eat. Also if we have done a lot of snuggling / touching sometimes I say that it is time to play by yourself while I do x task.

[Anonymous]

While my kid isn't physical touch, my DH is. I've learned that if I initiate, he is less needy. Most of the time that means scratching or rubbing his back when we sit on the couch, random hugging, resting my hand on his leg, etc.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, I have the opposite problem. I LOVE to snuggle and my love language is definitely touch; my DH and DC both dislike it. My mom is also not big on it. Despite the occasional hurt feeling (on my part; mostly feeling rejected when my overtures are rebuffed), I've survived just fine, and learned some strategies over the years that may help.

First, and PPs have flagged this, make sure your child knows she is well-loved. Make sure to tell her, show her, hug her. Even if she doesn't get as much overt affection as she would like, that will make the difference between feeling "not good enough," rejected, distant from you, etc and having a good relationship with you.

Be honest with her about what YOU need, and like. OF COURSE a toddler needs affection, but you don't want to feel smothered. I have memories of my mom gently telling me she needed space, then kissing my head and sending me off to play. She was never upset about that, just matter-of-fact. And she always made a BIG deal when I made something for her, (a sandwich, a picture, or something at school) or helped her make dinner, clean up, etc. Those were our special times, and helped me feel close to her, even without the touch.

Redirect. Give her a special teddy bear, blanket, or doll, that she can love to pieces. Encourage her to hug it, take care of it, etc. I would WEAR OUT my special blankets, hugging and dragging them around the house. I still find snuggling up under blankets to be comforting.

Third, realize your daughter NEEDS to show her affection, so try to give her an appropriate alternative. In addition to giving big hugs to my dad, I was fortunate that my aunt was super snuggly. I loved seeing her, and she made sure to give me extra hugs, hold my hand, and generally keep me close when we got together. She loved it, I loved it, my family loved it. Win win. Can your DH, family member, or close friend play that role?

At some point, your DC will need to learn that not everyone likes to be hugged, or touched. Learning about boundaries from a parent, one who clearly loves and nurtures, is probably one of the kindest lessons you can give your child. Good luck, OP! You sound like a good mom to me.

ITA with this poster.

[Anonymous]

I read the comments. And I struggle with this too... I try to find something that is easier for me with the physical contact like maybe playing with their hair because it is showing that affection but not as overwhelming...

But I totally understand...I feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Get her a dog

[Anonymous]

So I think some boundaries but some snuggling is okay
Holding hands at dinner? Definitely okay to say no to that. Holding hands walking or snuggling on the couch in the morning, I'd learn to deal. I also will let my young kid sleep in our bed when he's sick but I steer him back to his own bed otherwise.

I totally get it. I'm not naturally snuggly but I've found myself in a family where everyone else is (even the cat), and I've learned to take my breaks (time when no one touches me) but do snuggle mornings on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just accept it, what can you do? I think it is more hurtful to deny affection from someone who seeks it especially a child. I was resentful for many years at my mother for not being affectionate and pushing me away. I would have loved snuggling, hand holding, hugs but had none of it.

+1. She's a child. You are an adult. And her mother. You suck it up and meet her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is 2. It doesn't matter what her "love language" is. Forget whatever quiz you took or whatever paradigm you feel you fit into. All two year olds like a lot of physical closeness. All two year olds want to be on your lap, in your face, holding your hands, touching your body. Your body still belongs to them in pretty primal ways and will for another couple of years. They are very young children still, many of them still nurse into the second year of life.

Little kids this age hold hands, hug, touch, get close, sensory seek. It's not a "love language." It's early childhood. Their bodies are small.

+1 the framing in that article makes no sense. It's not like looking for compatibility in adult relationships. This is a basic evolutionary, primal thing for young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy. Stat.
Its not about some stupid languages, ALL kids need a lot of touching. Stop fooling yourself and get treatment.

I agree with this. I’m not a physical contact person at all but that doesn’t even come into play at all with my kids unless they’re wrestling or just jumping on me. If your kids want a hug or to cuddle the fact that your first inclination is to deny it cannot be ascribed to a love language philosophy, it’s something else that isn’t right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I hear you. Ignore the stupid trolls sending you to therapy. It's totally normal. How old is your child?

I'm at a breaking point now... all 3 (DH, DD and my newborn) crave this physical closeness and I'm dying for some space. At one point last weekend I had DD sitting on my lap while I BF the baby and DH was laying on my leg. I could not breathe but they were all so happy I could not bring myself to ask them to move. It didn't last long and I just tolerated it.

DD needs to touch me no matter what we're doing. She's 2 and even when we're eating together she has to touch me under the table rubbing her toes on my leg or even holding hands!!! LOL I write a journal for them to read when they grow up and just yesterday I asked her why she wants to hold hands during dinner but insists in trying to run away when we're at a parking lot HAHA

Anyway, it won't last forever and part of it in my case is hormonal (I read somewhere that when you have a baby your hormones make you icky to physical touch as a birth control measure to protect the new baby and your milk supply).

I know it won't last forever so right now I just suck it up. DH knows how I feel and he's pretty good at giving me space most of the time and for 1 hour every day I go away somewhere just by myself so I can get rid of the icky feeling.

Theres a differnce between being touched out in the throes of nursing/multiple kids/needy DH and not wanting to fill your kids love language cup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://fatherhood.about.com/od/parentingadvice/a/love_languages.htm

Ok, my child clearly feels and hears love in a physical way: she likes to be hugged, to sit close together, to hold hands, and such.

I am much less touchy-feely and I find myself getting really overwhelmed with both a) being touched so constantly and b) her need for this. I know this sounds horrible, but can anyone else relate? Are there any suggestions for how I can meet her need for getting and giving love this way, but also keep myself from feeling completely overwhelmed?
Sometimes, by the end of a weekend, I am just so completely overwhelmed by the touch-touch-touchiness: the holding hands, someone grabbing on to me, etc. Again, I know this sounds so bad. I empirically know that everyone gives and receives love in different ways, but in a real-life, day-to-day, in the trenches sort of way, I just get so drained by all of the physical contact.

Is there any other parent out there in the same type of situation? Any other ideas than just sucking it up and giving your child the touchiness she needs?

Help? Thank you so much.

I am in this EXACT situation. DC and I are both autistic so I want to support him. I HATE people touching me. DH is normal and the kids go to him for hugs. They still come to me and I suffer through it so they don’t feel abandoned or whatever people that crave physical comfort feel when they don’t get it. This is a nightmare.

Xoxo (church hugs of course)

[Anonymous]

Don’t have more kids.

[Anonymous]

All the people who say go get therapy are probably men who spend little time with their children and don’t understand what it’s like to literally be touched all day, often in private areas of your body.

OP, I relate and probably hate the touching even more than you do. I am a SAHM (not by choice but that’s another post) and my child touches me nearly 24/7. Breastfeeding already made me feel violated, then you have the nonstop touching and refusal to respect boundaries of the toddler years and I just want to jump out of my skin most days. It’s very hard to be constantly crawled all over, bounced on, hugged, hair pulled, breasts touched, pushed, hung on, etc. I guarantee most adults would not like it but they forget what it was like with their own kids or if they are men, they have never experienced it and can’t understand.

You’re not weird, OP. Try to redirect subtly when you can. Gentle say no when you truly can’t take it. Try to meet sensory needs other ways. Grinning and bearing it has not felt healthy for me.