My child's "love language" is "physical touch," and mine is not. Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

http://fatherhood.about.com/od/parentingadvice/a/love_languages.htm

Ok, my child clearly feels and hears love in a physical way: she likes to be hugged, to sit close together, to hold hands, and such.

I am much less touchy-feely and I find myself getting really overwhelmed with both a) being touched so constantly and b) her need for this. I know this sounds horrible, but can anyone else relate? Are there any suggestions for how I can meet her need for getting and giving love this way, but also keep myself from feeling completely overwhelmed?
Sometimes, by the end of a weekend, I am just so completely overwhelmed by the touch-touch-touchiness: the holding hands, someone grabbing on to me, etc. Again, I know this sounds so bad. I empirically know that everyone gives and receives love in different ways, but in a real-life, day-to-day, in the trenches sort of way, I just get so drained by all of the physical contact.

Is there any other parent out there in the same type of situation? Any other ideas than just sucking it up and giving your child the touchiness she needs?

Help? Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

No thoughts? Maybe I am just a really terrible mean mom? Help?

[Anonymous]

I would just accept it, what can you do? I think it is more hurtful to deny affection from someone who seeks it especially a child. I was resentful for many years at my mother for not being affectionate and pushing me away. I would have loved snuggling, hand holding, hugs but had none of it.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, snuggle with your kid. Deal.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any suggestions for you as a parent, but as a child of someone exactly like you, I will ask you to make the effort for your child. My mother was like this and I have always been very touchy-feely and very vocal emotionally. The lack of physical contact with my mom, who would get very overwhelmed by it and avoided it consequently, was very hard for me. I remember laying on her lap, like a puppy, when she was on the couch, and asking her repeatedly if she loved me (I probably started doing this when I was 8 or so.) I am still that way, I believe partly because of how it was addressed when I was a child. Nowadays I have to hold myself not to ask DH and even DC if they love me, on a daily basis. Even years of therapy haven't stopped this urge (even though, and I want to make this clear, rationally I know they love me, just like I know my mom does.)

[Anonymous]

Wow, my biggest concern is that your child is going to pick up on the fact that you don't actually want her touching you.

Get some therapy? I don't know.

Look, I don't think your a bad mom because you are here trying to deal with it. The way to deal with it is to look at why you don't like the touching and why it overwhelms you. Did something happen to you to make you this way? I guess I can't relate - I adore it when my child touches me. But I will say that the constant NEEDING me can get a bit overwhelming... maybe this is just your way of focusing that feeling... by focusing on the touching. Perhaps you should think about whether it's just that you need some time to yourself or what.. the physical touching part is really off putting to me.

Can you talk a little more about why physical touch is so draining for you?

[Anonymous]

I was raised by parents who were not very affectionate and it was hurtful as a child and sticks with me as an adult. I've worked hard on it but I still have a hard time with physical affection and accepting it from my husband. However, I vow to be different with my son because I don't want to make him feel the way I did when I was younger. There is a sense of comfort and strength that comes from a parent's touch or hug that you can't get anywhere else. Please, don't ever make your child feel like they aren't good enough to that from you.

[Anonymous]

OK, thanks, all. I will keep snuggling with her and holding her hand at dinner and doing all the things she needs. I"ll destress in other ways, so that she doens't feel like I don't love her. I love her immensely; it's just interesting how diff people feel and interpet love. I dont' want her to grow up feeling unloved, like some of you have posted. I feel bad for you after reading these stories and it makes me feel really sad to imagine my DD feeling this way in, say, 20-30 years. Ok, thank you all for your input. OP

[Anonymous]

OP, I probably lean more like you. I don't hate physical contact but I don't seek it out and it makes me uncomfortable. That said, I go out of my way to make sure I hug and snug with my kids on a daily basis. Yes, there are times when it feels overwhelming and I just want them to go sit down instead of needing hugs all the time. But I try my best to stifle that urge to push them away and, instead, focus on really hugging them. Kids only have their parents from whom they can learn to love others. My mother was a lot like me and you but I know she worked hard to be affectionate towards my sibling and me. We wanted to snug with her constantly because that's when we felt safe and loved. Now, as an adult, I want to make sure my kids feel safe and loved too - even though it's not my natural inclination to be affectionate.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say that you have to force it. Even a young child can learn to respect your needs---my children certainly know that they're loved, and they also know that mommy doesn't like to be touched a lot. As teens, they would tease me by yelling group hug and mob hugging me while I stood there and waited for it to be over. Sillies....we talked about it and they understood.

[Anonymous]

Therapy. Stat.
Its not about some stupid languages, ALL kids need a lot of touching. Stop fooling yourself and get treatment.

[Anonymous]

Pp here- by all kids I mean those not borderline spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, thanks, all. I will keep snuggling with her and holding her hand at dinner and doing all the things she needs. I"ll destress in other ways, so that she doens't feel like I don't love her. I love her immensely; it's just interesting how diff people feel and interpet love. I dont' want her to grow up feeling unloved, like some of you have posted. I feel bad for you after reading these stories and it makes me feel really sad to imagine my DD feeling this way in, say, 20-30 years. Ok, thank you all for your input. OP

Do you tell her that you love her, unprompted every day? Do you tell her things about her that you like and admire? What I'm saying is, you say your primary language is not touch? What is it? If it's gifts of service, do you make special things just for her and tell her so? It sounds like you don't like to be touched (therapy?) and that's it. You wincingly embrace your child but then fancy yourself to be a good mom because you, what, pay the mortgage? Up EVERY OTHER love language towards your child and maybe she will become less touchy feely. You may just find it less work to give her a hug.

And also, if YOU start to initiate some of the affection, she might need less. Get into a routine. Big hugs at bed time or lunch time, for example. Be physical with her when you are going stuff. Like give her a hug when you put her coat on or something. I just find this so weird - Don't you love her? Don't you like her? Don't you think she is wonderful? Aren't ever just awe inspired by how she is growing and changing? And your resonse is never to want a hug or a kiss or even pat her on the back? Wow. I feel sorry for her.

[Anonymous]

I would also recommend some therapy. I mean, don't get me wrong, by the end of a 13-hour day with my toddler son who's still nursing, I sometimes have to tell him, "Okay, you really need to stop hanging on mommy's leg right now" or "No, no nursers right now. Mommy needs a break" because I need just 10 minutes of him not being attached to me. But in general, I love his hugs, kisses, etc. The fact that you are not enjoying a lof of your child's physical affection is a red flag for something else going on I would say.

[Anonymous]

I'm very affectionate and love the physical contact in our family. That said, it's important that our kids understand boundaries and that we all respect each other's personal space.

Every morning before heading off for work, my daughter (age 6) and I have "cuddle time" on the couch where we snuggle for anywhere from 2-10 minutes depending on how much of a rush I'm in. Best few minutes of the day.