How do you get an affair/relationship started with another married person?

[Anonymous]

Also personally, I strongly value integrity. I get that people make mistakes, really. But his "mistake" demonstrated a severe lack of integrity and honesty which has in turn directly affected my respect for him. I wish that he had just asked me to open up the marriage when he was feeling antsy - I really would be open to discussing solutions and I don't want him to be miserable. But the lying and the lack of integrity and the exposing me to STDs (he didn't use condoms when he cheated and didn't tell me until after we'd had sex) make me not really feel like he's "deserving" of a pass or trustworthy enough to make responsible use of one. Does that make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why not let him sleep with others, provided he uses protection, and continue the marriage. You said he and you are good in other respects.

Yes. That's the deal I have with my DH. He feels as you do and I'm like your husband. I have no interest in leaving my husband, but also no interest in sleeping with only one person the rest of my life.

How did this arrangement get started? Does he have a pass too? How did/does he feel about it? How many times have you slept with someone else? How do you meet these other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it seems to me that these affairs just happen more than it being some calculated drawn out plan. correct me if im wrong please cause that is why i asked the question to start this thread.

so maybe there is innocent flirting that neither person realizes than it goes from there. maybe the serial cheaters figure out the right tricks to apply once they get their feet wet but for a first timer it "just happens"

at least thats my observation.

Here's my experience. I wasn't looking for an affair, but I was more receptive than I realized to one. When a coworker started flirting with me while on a business trip, he aroused my interest. When he sent me that glass of champagne across the room, it was over and I was his.

Champagne works every time/liquid pants remover

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why not let him sleep with others, provided he uses protection, and continue the marriage. You said he and you are good in other respects.

Yes. That's the deal I have with my DH. He feels as you do and I'm like your husband. I have no interest in leaving my husband, but also no interest in sleeping with only one person the rest of my life.

I have a similar "deal" with my husband, except I have not made it explict, I just dont ask any questions especially when he travels. He had some inappropriate contact with another woman about a year ago (they both said no sex but who knows) and I stayed. After a few months of constantly snooping I decided that I was not going to spend anymore energy worrying about what he does when he is away from me, and you know what I am so much happier. We have a great life at home (including sex), he is so loving an attentive and not that I am not asking he feels the need to share all his comings and goings with me. It may be all an act, but I just dont care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why not let him sleep with others, provided he uses protection, and continue the marriage. You said he and you are good in other respects.

Yes. That's the deal I have with my DH. He feels as you do and I'm like your husband. I have no interest in leaving my husband, but also no interest in sleeping with only one person the rest of my life.

How did this arrangement get started? Does he have a pass too? How did/does he feel about it? How many times have you slept with someone else? How do you meet these other people?

It got started when I had an intense emotional affair that included lots of sexually heavy messages. DH saw a few and confronted me. Went to counselling. After a few months, therapist told him that he had to step it up in all ways: help more with the house, the kids and express more interest in the marriage itself. DH stepped it up a bit for a while, but then slid back into old ways. He frankly felt relief that I no longer pressure him to be more intimate and have sex more than once or twice a week. He doesn't want a pass; he wants to be left alone. I have a longtime lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on who. Different women want different things. Did you see the movie Notes on a Scandal and wonder how a pretty upper-class woman with a loving family could end up giving a 16-yo blowjobs in the classroom? The character Cate Blanchett portrayed felt invisible. She missed being admired by someone under the age of fifty. She wanted to be f'd by someone who really wanted to f her. The boy could see that so he told her what he knew she wanted to hear. Many women want to hear that they are irresistibly bewitching but not all. Find out what your prospective fling wants to hear by listening to her jokes.

Great advice but I wonder if you are a sociopath. So calculating.

Wow! You just brought a smile to my face for the first time today. That is one of the best compliments I have ever received. (First place still goes to "You look so good I ought to shoot you and throw you in the trunk of my car.) When I feel down I'll reflect on your words and remember that I've still got it going on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart -- no sarcasm intended.

It is actually a compliment and you are welcome. If you are not a sociopath, I will have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why not let him sleep with others, provided he uses protection, and continue the marriage. You said he and you are good in other respects.

Yes. That's the deal I have with my DH. He feels as you do and I'm like your husband. I have no interest in leaving my husband, but also no interest in sleeping with only one person the rest of my life.

How did this arrangement get started? Does he have a pass too? How did/does he feel about it? How many times have you slept with someone else? How do you meet these other people?

It got started when I had an intense emotional affair that included lots of sexually heavy messages. DH saw a few and confronted me. Went to counselling. After a few months, therapist told him that he had to step it up in all ways: help more with the house, the kids and express more interest in the marriage itself. DH stepped it up a bit for a while, but then slid back into old ways. He frankly felt relief that I no longer pressure him to be more intimate and have sex more than once or twice a week. He doesn't want a pass; he wants to be left alone. I have a longtime lover.

Oh, how I wish that my DH would agree to something like this - he is just so territorial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it seems to me that these affairs just happen more than it being some calculated drawn out plan. correct me if im wrong please cause that is why i asked the question to start this thread.

so maybe there is innocent flirting that neither person realizes than it goes from there. maybe the serial cheaters figure out the right tricks to apply once they get their feet wet but for a first timer it "just happens"

at least thats my observation.

Here's my experience. I wasn't looking for an affair, but I was more receptive than I realized to one. When a coworker started flirting with me while on a business trip, he aroused my interest. When he sent me that glass of champagne across the room, it was over and I was his.

Champagne works every time/liquid pants remover

OP here. Agree 100%

I completely see how alcohol on a business trip can turn into something "evil" cause your thoughts turn unjust with a few drinks and some careless conversation with the right person.

Again, few things here and there went the right way, and I would have unfortunately slipped up and mess things up. I always say its best it never happened and for the most part believe that is the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ha! I am a DH who posted this, so you should probably withdraw your flirtatious remark, because I am guessing you are as well. Not that there is anything wrong with that. ~snort~

Are you my lover?

[Anonymous]

It wasn't me, slut.

[Anonymous]

"You are not my mother! You are a SNORT!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on who. Different women want different things. Did you see the movie Notes on a Scandal and wonder how a pretty upper-class woman with a loving family could end up giving a 16-yo blowjobs in the classroom? The character Cate Blanchett portrayed felt invisible. She missed being admired by someone under the age of fifty. She wanted to be f'd by someone who really wanted to f her. The boy could see that so he told her what he knew she wanted to hear. Many women want to hear that they are irresistibly bewitching but not all. Find out what your prospective fling wants to hear by listening to her jokes.

This is interesting to me. I would never broadcast what I want to hear in a joke. It feels like fishy for a compliment and little too needy. In fairness, I likely did this when I was much younger.

I fear you have misunderstood me. Analyzing jokes is an important component of an overall personality assessment. People often reveal their niggling insecurities and big concerns in jokes without even being aware that they are doing so. For example, a middle-aged woman deflecting a compliment with a self-deprecating joke indicates her unconscious desire to be reassured that she is still attractive. The would-be seducer should find a woman's vanity point, another key to her personality. Does she change her jewelry often? Keep nicely manicured nails? Wear long blond curls although she's in her sixties? Have plenty of plants in her office or ethnic pottery or literary journals? Does she talk about the trips she's taken or planning? Her participation in a sport or activity?

You as the seducer must tap into her self-image. Does she pride herself on being clever, adventurous, nurturing, high-maintenance, intellectual or tough? If her spouse is not doing his job of reinforcing her self-image in a way that fulfills her then you have a prime opportunity. An innocent conversation about what she and her family did this weekend should somehow lead to "How did you meet your husband?" The look on her face -- be it annoyed, neutral, brusque, dreamy, nostalgic, regretful or simply joyful -- when she answers will speak volumes about the state of their relationship and your chances of winning her over.

[Anonymous]

Yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is currently trying to keep my family together after my husband had an affair that started on a business trip, this thread is really difficult to read.

Can you stay married but not have a sexual relationship with your spouse? Can you be friends? Separate bedrooms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is currently trying to keep my family together after my husband had an affair that started on a business trip, this thread is really difficult to read.

Can you stay married but not have a sexual relationship with your spouse? Can you be friends? Separate bedrooms?

That sounds more miserable than divorce would be. Does anyone think this would work out?