Is this rude? Refusing gparents' gift
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Anonymous
| Your child said no because he picked up that you dislike the presents. Your putting the burden of finding places for the toys, etc., on him is not really appropriate and is a way of signaling your unhappiness to him. It's not his job! Take the gifts, say thank you, and give away the ones you can't use. There is no other way to handle this that won't cause huge rifts in the family. It's not worth it. It's so nice he has grandparents who love him.. So many kids don't. |
Anonymous
OP here - Thanks to everyone for responding. From all the posts, just like I was conflicted about it, so is everyone else. To this poster:
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Anonymous
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OP, why isn't your husband dealing with this, instead of you? They're his parents. I would have thought you were a single mother until I got to the 4th page of this thread.
This is how you deal with unwanted gifts: 1) Thank the giver in person (shut up that you don't want it, that's where your son is rude) 2) Write a thank you note, no matter what 3) donate it or other clutter to make room for it at a later time If your HUSBAND (prefered) or you would like to request that HIS parents stop giving you a certain type of gift, there are some families where that is possible. But you've tried and it's obviously not going to happen here, so get over it. Control what you can control: what stays in your house. It's annoying to me that your child has obviously picked up on your distaste for this consumerism (I agree, it's not my style) and you are trying to argue that he's not being rude to his grandparents by refusing the gift, just because you don't want it or agree with him. |
Anonymous
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Wow-- I think it is RUDE to accept gifts -- especially ones that KEEP ON COMING -- write a thank you note and promptly give them away.
If you keep telling someone "NO" and they are ignoring you -- they are trying to CONTROL you. You son very politely told his grandparents about boundaries. It would be different if he said "that truck sucks" ! It would be different if the grandparents only give gifts every once and a while and weren't explicitly told to stop giving stuff. They were rude. |
Anonymous
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Someone please explain to me the logic of always having to accept a gift ?
In most circumstances -- it is polite to say "Thank You, I accept" But it is not a unilateral rule. There are times, where accepting a gift violates personal or professional ethical boundaries. Sometimes, it is better for the gift giver that you say nicely -- no thanks. Save them the trouble, and the money next time. No one should just be able to foist some unwanted item on you at any time and you just have to grin and bear it. Sheesh! |
Anonymous
When did I ever argue that he's not being rude? Go back and read MY posts (I've identified myself in each one) and even my very last post at the bottom I write "I still grapple with whether we should have taken it or not." Good Lord, people, my whole post was about my struggle with this issue. I thought it was rude to refuse the gift, but my ILs keep giving an excessive amount of toys. Also, I don't have a distaste for consumerism - I love consumerism, I have a distaste of unbelievable excessiveness - we probably have about 50-60 toy vehicles of various sizes and gadgets attached to them - and that's just the cars, trucks, etc. That doesn't even begin to describe the board games, nerf paraphernalia, balls of various sizes, robots, legos, etc. For the pps that asked why I talk to them - we both have talked to them. I am closer to MIL and my DH is closer to his father. At various and appropriate times, we've talked to each of them about this. I've talked to MIL and DH talked to FIL. We've never sat them down and talked to them together about this because we always did it when DS wasn't around, so when MIL and I are out together alone, I bring it up. When DH does something with his dad alone, he brings it up. There's not a time when the 4 of us are together that DS isn't with us. |
Anonymous
| OP, I haven't read this entire thread but thought I would suggest that you tell the Gparents that they are welcome to give your child all the toys they want but politely suggest that they must keep them at their home (it sounds like they are local). We had the same problem with Gparents giving ridiculously large toys and large volumes of them. Like you, we have a small house and nowhere to store the toys. After suggesting that the toys stay at the Gparents' house, it seems like the situation has improved and, to the extent it hasn't, storing those toys has become their problem, not ours. |
Anonymous
| You know it is rude. I can't even imagine a world in which the biggest problems people have are loved ones who are too generous. If you have the relationship with your ILs you say you have, have a quiet conversation with them and your husband about overload. Completely legitimate. Hurting people we love who love us, not so much. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. The grandparents are not respecting a boundary. You asked them to stop and they didn't. You are the parents and they need to respect that. I also agree with-if you accept it and don't want it-donate it. I think about half the people on here chastizing you are probably grandparents who do the same thing. I think giving gifts is lovely usually and more often than not it's a truly selfless act, but there is such a thing as rude gift giving and/or manipulative gift giving. Here is what I consider rude gift-giving: *Giving gifts even though you have been asked not to. *Giving gifts and expecting anything more than a thank you note. *Giving part of a gift and then saying you have to come visit me to get the other part. *Giving a child endless gifts while they visit you and expecting the parents to bring all gifts back on a plane together with pack nplay, luggage, etc *Giving gifts that go against someone's religion and/or stated valued (e.g. giving a book about Jesus even though the family has decided go raise the child Muslim or if you have stated you don't want gifts with batteries because of all the issues with disposal and what it is doing to the earth and they ignore this) *Giving a child gifts that are not allowed in the house e.g. violent toys and/or violent video games |
Anonymous
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Ignore all these posters saying you are mean to your ILs, are influencing your son, etc, etc. I take your posts at face value and nothing you've said has indicated and of that nonsense.
1) was your son rude? I tend to think gifts should be accept graciously, but your son is a kid and ge declined in about the most polite way possible. So I wouldn't really wouldn't say it was rude. 2) were the in laws rude? Not for giving the gift, but going on and on during dinner. They should really know better. Why make your son feel more uncomfortable?? 3) not a fan of the "just keep accepting andthen donate" in situations where there is a clear problem of an "aggressive gift giver." (stealing that from another poster!) I think you can do that for random situations, but this is clearly a pattern of over doing it. It seems really deceiving and a disservice to all. It's got to be addressed. Going forward, I'd use this situation to have a chat with your son and the inlaws. 1) to son- usually the best thing to do is smile and say thank you when someone gIves you a gift because it is the thought that really counts. That said, you understand his position that day. (I think you confirmed in a later post that ge told you why.) and you and his dad are going to talk to his grandparents to try and help find a balance for all involved. And, again, his grandparents love him dearly. 2) to ILs - DS loves you do much. We love you so much. We are really sorry if you felt bad the other night at dinner when DS said no thank you to your gift. (I think you really do feel bad that they probably felt bad, right?). We've since discussed with him that the way he handled that situtation could be considered impolite by many people. That said, we think we really need to address the underlying issue with you- the abundance of gifts. Let's come up with a solution together. (keep things at their house, reduce amounth of gifts, etc. If THEY ask for ideas other than toys and material items, THEN you could suggest stuff like membership to zoo or science center, iTunes for a game on computer, contribution to 529.) Good luck. I'm not in a similar situation but think i would have struggled with the appropriate response/after thoughts, too. |
Anonymous
We are fortunate that in-laws have resisted the urge to buy lots of big toys after some "where the heck are we going to put x" moments when the kids were younger. It's crazy that you have to have toy restrictions ...but with a small house I understand. I'm not quite sure why the heart to hearts aren't getting thru, is there something about giving big toys that satisfies a childhood yearning for them? My MIL fully admits to always wanting to shop for girls clothes and having only sons. She almost cried when our girls went to a school that had a dress code. My mom is all about the books, partly her job as a school media specialist means she is up on the good reads and she gets signed copies when she goes to various events. I think for her, it is sharing a part of her life with the kids. I think the key is to find out from them why it gives them such joy to give that particular gift and see if you can find a compromise, can some of them be kept at their house, can they limit it to one big toy a year on a special occasion, can they work with a one truck in, one truck out to account for the limited space ... So if they give 3 trucks, then 3 existing ones have to be donated to make space ... And it could be something they just gave if they bring trucks every month. Good luck working it out. |
Anonymous
If you haven't experienced it, then, no,you don't understand how excessive gift-giving can be destructive ( and you should shut your pie hole). I really disagree with anyone who says the son was rude. He was perfectly polite in his refusal. No one is obligated to accept a gift from anyone, especially in a situation such as this where the grandparents have nicely been asked to tone it down. The grandparents are rude and manipulative. |
Anonymous
Amen sister! OP likes her ILs, this has nothing to do with not liking them. This is about BOUNDARIES.In many professions you are not allowed to accept gifts because they are considered a form of manipulation. Gifts among friends and relatives really are often truly from the heart, but yes, there is plenty of manipulative gift giving and using gifts as a weapon crap too. There is also plenty of grandparent competition too with gifts. No means no. If mama says no big toys, no big toys. Unless these grandparents are raising these kids, it is not their place to ignore the parent's wishes. The boy declined politely. End of story.The adults should act like adults and respect the boys wishes. |
Anonymous
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This is not that complicated. If a little boy refuses a gift of a big truck, something is wrong.
Either the mother has created unreasonable rules about how he can own toys, or the grandparents are dumping too much stuff on him. |