Is this rude? Refusing gparents' gift

[Anonymous]

As someone whose relatives gave too many gifts, I understand. It can be overwhelming for the recipient and hard to manage all the stuff. Going overboard like that can be a form of control--and, in my case, connected with my relatives' hoarding and compulsive shopping. I could see how that behavior was destructive to them and felt they were passing it on to me.

The fact that your son intervened (and politely as he could for what is ostensibly a rude action) is saying something. You as parents need to have another talk with the ILs about how overboard they are and talk about other healthier ways for them to express affection their grandchild. At this point, your ILs are rude too. PPs who haven't seen this played out may not really understand.

[Anonymous]

I second the PP who has directed her MIL towards clothes. My MIL is a shopping addict, so I have to always ask her 'oh if you happen to be shopping, DS needs XYZ if you see a good deal, and I'll pay you back!'...instead, she refuses any money from me and I put the kids in the clothes all the time, especially when she'll see them. Or, I ask if she can buy them books instead of toys because they need some new ones.

Christmas, I don't fight about, but I do ask her and DH to coordinate so they BOTH don't go overboard.

My own parents sort of get shafted, because they know about DH's family's materialism, so they buy just one or two things and put $$ in the kids' savings. But we visit/call/skype often and I always tell them when the kids are missing them. They know that 'stuff' does not = love.

I agree, charity is not the way to go here, it will just offend. The other tactic that has worked for me (because god help me the day MIL found consignment/yard sales...OMG), is that I look at MIL and say, 'We already have the same thing and don't have room here. It won't be a problem to keep it at your house, will it?'

Best part is, my kids have a whole pile of toys for when they visit their gparents (and they do, every weekend).

[Anonymous]

Someday people will stop showering your child with gifts. Around the time he becomes a shallow, adult loathing teenager. All because you taught him that it is ok to refuse gifts just because you don't want to write thank you notes. You will wish for these days again. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someday people will stop showering your child with gifts. Around the time he becomes a shallow, adult loathing teenager. All because you taught him that it is ok to refuse gifts just because you don't want to write thank you notes. You will wish for these days again. Good luck.

...you just know this PP is going to be the grandma who brings massive, plastic play houses to her grandchild's 800 square foot apartment, inevitably creating discord among mom and child, and carping at both of them over dinner because they're insufficiently grateful. And so the toxic cycle is passed down to another generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday people will stop showering your child with gifts. Around the time he becomes a shallow, adult loathing teenager. All because you taught him that it is ok to refuse gifts just because you don't want to write thank you notes. You will wish for these days again. Good luck.

...you just know this PP is going to be the grandma who brings massive, plastic play houses to her grandchild's 800 square foot apartment, inevitably creating discord among mom and child, and carping at both of them over dinner because they're insufficiently grateful. And so the toxic cycle is passed down to another generation.

Amen. We do have a g-ma like this and we do return gifts. Things just randomly show up on our doorstep from QVC? They get returned. The gift-giving is only to scratch some obsessive itch she has; it's not truly what we, the recipients, want b/c we have gone over this w/ her 40,000 times. So, we have no qualms anymore about returning things. We do it quickly and with as little fanfare as possible, but we are firm about it. Oh, and we were already warned by older SIL not to just keep things for the sake of silence or family harmony and then give quietly away to charity, b/c MIL likes to ask about the items and say, "Where is xyz?" "Why isn't ____ wearing that ____ I gave her?" Etc Etc Etc. So, the random and obsessive gifts go back!

[Anonymous]

Only on DCUM do we have people angry because their children receive too many gifts, too many birthday party invitations, have too many toys to play with, too many clothes to wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your inlaws are really rude. I dont think your child was rude. He was polite, he said no thank you. No means no, simple as that. Your inlaws coaxing and discussing it all throughout dinner was just plain weird. I would have called them out on it and told them to stop talking about it.

I agree with this and would have put a stop to the talking about it.

But then again, I would have stopped the stream of gifts long ago. Tell them they are free to keep the gifts at their house if they want and its really just fine if they choose to stop giving gifts all together because your son wants their time and attention not their gifts.

[Anonymous]

I've posted on this before. My brother and SIL have refused the gifts my parents give their children, to the point where one Christmas, they asked for all the receipts for all the presents, returned the gifts, and brought the money back and gave it to my mother (who doesn't need the money). It has hurt my parents to the core -- my mother is multiply disabled and one of the few things she can still do is buy gifts for the children. I realize that others here are perceiving this as a control issue; perhaps it is. But I have to wonder if this amount of hostility and upset is worth alienating grandparents whose ability to be with your children is limited.

I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but part of the reason I am so sad about my brother and SIL is that my parents aren't going to be around forever and their grandkids' memories of their parents' relationship with the grandparents is (unfortunately) layered with passive/aggressive interactions around gifts. (FWIW, my brother and SIL now allow the children to receive gifts but they are not allowed to take them out of my parents' house.) They have also subtly and blatantly (both ways) asked my parents to pay for things like tuition, gym classes, etc.,. My parents don't want to do that: my mother wants to have a gift she can wrap and that she can hear (barely) and see (somewhat) her grandchildren playing with. Sometimes the gift isn't about the recipient at all -- it's about the giver. . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws don't give our DS presents but they have fully funded his 529 so we don't have to worry about college/grad school; Much better than getting "stuff" that he'll play with for minute and creating clutter. Tell them he already has every toy but if they want to keep giving presents, you'll appreciate them contributing to his college find.

I have an ex-pal who is like you.

She was so dependent on her parents at 42 that she turned off so many friends with self-respect AND respect for their own parents.

Your parents owe you nothing; they owe YOUR kids nothing. Taking money from them is absolutely disgusting. I don't care if they want to do it. You're horrible for relying on it, too.

[Anonymous]

Rude, IMO.

[Anonymous]

I think OP's kid returned the gift because he hears OP bitching about her ILs and the gifts all of the time so he's taking his cues from her. In addition, because she hates the ILs, she makes the receipt of their gifts unpleasant through her passive aggressive actions: makes the child find a place for it and seems to blame the child for the gift.

Grow up, OP! It's not always about you. You clearly don't like your ILs so you're finding fault with their attempts to be loving toward your child. I get it -- it's too many gifts. Suck it up and be polite.

Trust me, I've been there. I denigrated the things MIL bought because for some reason, I resented her buying them. I don't do that anymore. Now I let her have the joy of giving my kids stuff. It turns out that once I let my bitterness go, I really like MIL! Who knew?

As for the ILs talking about the truck and trying to get the kids to like it. I agree, it's kind of obnoxious, but I'll bet they thought this was going to be the greatest gift and they are really hurt that he didn't want it.

I think your child was rude. I'll bet the gift giving slows or stops, which is what you want (I guess). However, I also think you've hurt your ILs and you're going to have to do some work to fix it. Just wait . . . you'll be a MIL someday too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP's kid returned the gift because he hears OP bitching about her ILs and the gifts all of the time so he's taking his cues from her. In addition, because she hates the ILs, she makes the receipt of their gifts unpleasant through her passive aggressive actions: makes the child find a place for it and seems to blame the child for the gift.

Grow up, OP! It's not always about you. You clearly don't like your ILs so you're finding fault with their attempts to be loving toward your child. I get it -- it's too many gifts. Suck it up and be polite.

Trust me, I've been there. I denigrated the things MIL bought because for some reason, I resented her buying them. I don't do that anymore. Now I let her have the joy of giving my kids stuff. It turns out that once I let my bitterness go, I really like MIL! Who knew?

As for the ILs talking about the truck and trying to get the kids to like it. I agree, it's kind of obnoxious, but I'll bet they thought this was going to be the greatest gift and they are really hurt that he didn't want it.

I think your child was rude. I'll bet the gift giving slows or stops, which is what you want (I guess). However, I also think you've hurt your ILs and you're going to have to do some work to fix it. Just wait . . . you'll be a MIL someday too.

I am a 37 year old woman who had to open 14 wrapped gifts from my stepmother at Christmas this year (not including my stocking!). It's painful and infuriating. Aggressive gift givers behave aggressively and that kind of bs shouldn't be directed at a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws don't give our DS presents but they have fully funded his 529 so we don't have to worry about college/grad school; Much better than getting "stuff" that he'll play with for minute and creating clutter. Tell them he already has every toy but if they want to keep giving presents, you'll appreciate them contributing to his college find.

I have an ex-pal who is like you.

She was so dependent on her parents at 42 that she turned off so many friends with self-respect AND respect for their own parents.

Your parents owe you nothing; they owe YOUR kids nothing. Taking money from them is absolutely disgusting. I don't care if they want to do it. You're horrible for relying on it, too.

Such vitriol. You sound bitter. My parents and in-laws didn't contribute to my education (or my husband's) and I'm sure they won't contribute to our kids' education. However, I don't see what's wrong with the PP's in-laws already having fully funded her sons college education. Education's a great gift to give and much more useful than a Tonka truck.

You rant on about how her parents owe her nothing, but you seem to have no problem with gift giving, only with money giving (for educational purposes). Strange, but backs up the opinion that you're envious and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP's kid returned the gift because he hears OP bitching about her ILs and the gifts all of the time so he's taking his cues from her. In addition, because she hates the ILs, she makes the receipt of their gifts unpleasant through her passive aggressive actions: makes the child find a place for it and seems to blame the child for the gift.

Grow up, OP! It's not always about you. You clearly don't like your ILs so you're finding fault with their attempts to be loving toward your child. I get it -- it's too many gifts. Suck it up and be polite.

Trust me, I've been there. I denigrated the things MIL bought because for some reason, I resented her buying them. I don't do that anymore. Now I let her have the joy of giving my kids stuff. It turns out that once I let my bitterness go, I really like MIL! Who knew?

As for the ILs talking about the truck and trying to get the kids to like it. I agree, it's kind of obnoxious, but I'll bet they thought this was going to be the greatest gift and they are really hurt that he didn't want it.

I think your child was rude. I'll bet the gift giving slows or stops, which is what you want (I guess). However, I also think you've hurt your ILs and you're going to have to do some work to fix it. Just wait . . . you'll be a MIL someday too.

This is what I think too. The kid's terrified to accept the gift because mommy will be mean to him over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP's kid returned the gift because he hears OP bitching about her ILs and the gifts all of the time so he's taking his cues from her. In addition, because she hates the ILs, she makes the receipt of their gifts unpleasant through her passive aggressive actions: makes the child find a place for it and seems to blame the child for the gift.

Grow up, OP! It's not always about you. You clearly don't like your ILs so you're finding fault with their attempts to be loving toward your child. I get it -- it's too many gifts. Suck it up and be polite.

Trust me, I've been there. I denigrated the things MIL bought because for some reason, I resented her buying them. I don't do that anymore. Now I let her have the joy of giving my kids stuff. It turns out that once I let my bitterness go, I really like MIL! Who knew?

As for the ILs talking about the truck and trying to get the kids to like it. I agree, it's kind of obnoxious, but I'll bet they thought this was going to be the greatest gift and they are really hurt that he didn't want it.

I think your child was rude. I'll bet the gift giving slows or stops, which is what you want (I guess). However, I also think you've hurt your ILs and you're going to have to do some work to fix it. Just wait . . . you'll be a MIL someday too.

I am a 37 year old woman who had to open 14 wrapped gifts from my stepmother at Christmas this year (not including my stocking!). It's painful and infuriating. Aggressive gift givers behave aggressively and that kind of bs shouldn't be directed at a child.

I am so sorry for you. Really. What a burden.