Dealing with jealous sister who's still TTC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You posted already about this. Seems like you get off on this... Didn't you see her at Xmas,like you indicated in your last post?

Can someone link to the post from XMas?

[Anonymous]

OP, for your own good, you really should stop posting here and find yourself a really well-trained therapist. Every post just makes you sound crazier and crazier. The fact that you presume the negative responses you are getting are indicative of having "hit a nerve" with random strangers is just seriously bizarre. The fact that you're writing books about some back-and-forth with your sibling from decades ago is surreal. And the idea that you think it's appropriate to go to a family function and not acknowledge or speak to a sibling is wacky. Every sibling relationship has its ups and downs, and no two siblings are totally immune to a little competition and rivalry. But what you are participating in (or very possibly even provoking) is an absurd soap opera.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I just don't agree. Yes IF is gut-wrenching. I was IF for years before. But as grown women maturity is expected to take over the initial swell of emotions such as jealousy. It's what separates us, or should separate us, from children, animals, and uncivilized people. And so why is it okay to cast unhappiness about our own lives on others?

I'm not speaking to my sister as a way to protect myself. Frankly, its also to protect my child too as she is comparing her child to mine constantly and fostering competitiveness between them. It gives her less ammunition and might actually be reducing the drama. If I shared information with her about my life the comparisons, the snide remarks, the comparing of our children, too, would just get worse.

I think the jealousy she feels is the cause and at the core of what makes the entire family feel uncomfortable. Maybe an all out discussion in front of a therapist and the family might be a good thing to resolve that. But now that would be real drama.

Follow your own advice, OP. Be a mature woman. That may involve speaking to people who are in the same room as you are. It is possible to speak without offering ammunition.

If you're so worried about the effect on your relationship on your child, realize that pretending your sister doesn't exist is not modeling mature, rational behavior, and it is not protecting your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, for your own good, you really should stop posting here and find yourself a really well-trained therapist. Every post just makes you sound crazier and crazier. The fact that you presume the negative responses you are getting are indicative of having "hit a nerve" with random strangers is just seriously bizarre. The fact that you're writing books about some back-and-forth with your sibling from decades ago is surreal. And the idea that you think it's appropriate to go to a family function and not acknowledge or speak to a sibling is wacky. Every sibling relationship has its ups and downs, and no two siblings are totally immune to a little competition and rivalry. But what you are participating in (or very possibly even provoking) is an absurd soap opera.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:59 thank you for your defense and understanding. But I am so used to DCUM'ers reacting this way. My aunt is a psychiatrist. From my last conversation with her about my sister and also the behavior of other women, I know that sometimes when women react this way it's because something I said struck a nerve or they're unhappy about something in their own lives. Maybe they were previously TTC and can empathize with my sister's jealous feelings. Maybe there was something in my initial post that rubbed them the wrong way because of something going on in their own personal life. So I don't take any criticism on DCUM personally at all. It's just advice and I can choose to take the advice that I think is helpful...and btw, my psychiatrist-aunt said it was her issue and it's best to avoid her. That's hard to do though because we are family.

But some background info...Growing up, my sister was always the introverted, brainy kid in the family who boys didn't pay attention to. I was the outgoing one with more dates. I wasn't into school but more into clothes and hair. Sometimes if she was watching Jeopardy and I came down to join her she'd nastily ask, "What are you doing here watching Jeopardy, don't you need to go curl or hair or something?" The insults got worse during my teen years. At a dinner party someone said their husband was from Helsinki. I asked where that was. My sister, mortified that I didn't know my geography well, said out loud, "You're embarrassing to be around." At our church, I was elected to be our youth group leader. I was editor of our church newspaper. Boys were asking me out a lot and it used to bother her. Once for Mother's Day we decided to have a portrait taken of the both of us and put in a beautiful frame to gift to our mother. It was an expensive portrait. She thought her nose looked too bulbous in the portrait so she cut herself out of it. The portrait was ruined.

Now, we're both married. My husband, thank God, is very supportive. He washes dishes, makes dinner at times, helps my parents whenever we visit them. Her husband does nothing. She once said to her husband, "Why can't you be more like her husband? That's the way husbands are supposed to be." It completely embarrassed both my husband and her husband and her husband despised my husband ever since. I'm sure she wanted her husband to be more like my husband but also resented me for having a more supportive husband too.

Now she compares our kids, who is taller, who is cuter, who was the chubbier baby, who is smarter. Her son now goes nuts each time he loses a game to my son. We're all on pins and needles if it appears her son is about to lose any game with him because we know it'll result in an all out meltdown for 45 minutes. He gets upset when he learns my son has a trampoline or air hockey table but he doesn't. So I don't know if her insecurities are filtering down to him or if this is all genetic. When I saw it was affecting the kids' relationship, I figured I better end this.

Granted, you're only hearing my side of the story but it was I who decided to end the relationship, not she, and that should tell you something. It was out of a desperate need to protect myself from her jealousy and negativity.

I think she is a bottomless pit of insecurities. That's her issue not mine. That requires therapy, I don't. The only reason I would enter therapy is if she was there so we could hash this out in front of a therapist. I'm certain the therapist would first get to the core of my sister's jealousy and insecurity issues first and then later, teach me strategies to avoid letting her affect me. That would be the only grownup approach here but my sister would die rather than see a therapist with me. She would never want to hear what a therapist may have to say to her.

It's weird how people assume I intentionally put our mother between us. I asked our mom not to tell her anything about my pregnancy. Knowing would put her in a tailspin of despair and panic which I simply can't deal with right now, especially being so pregnant.

*sigh* here you are again, complaining over and over about your sister's behavior and you STILL are trying to get us all to believe she is the only one with problems. this is getting pathetic! I also find it hilarious that you think the 30 plus people who have responded to you are all jealous and have issues too. Can you point to ANY problems YOU might have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:boy would I love to hear the sister's version of this story!

Ditto.

How the hell does OP's sister know that that OP's DH paid off OP's student loans?

it's become pretty clear to me, at this point, that OP rubs things in her sister's face- who having her own issues, doesn't know how to ignore her and move on. I was the one who suggested early on that it would look like OP was trying to throw it in her face by withholding that she is pregnant for so long- very clear to me now after all of these posts that she is completely incapable of examining her own role in the relationship, and clearly would like to punish her sister.

Once again OP- family therapy is just that-FAMILY therapy, it's not -"oh lets find the scapegoat and blame all of the family's problems on her". You are already doing a fine job of that, you don't need a family therapist to help you with that goal.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are seriously messed up. I question whether you will ever repair your relationship with your sister, as yolack self-awareness and frankly, sound like a pathological liar (your sister is jealous because you were the favorite, but somehow also yohu were abused and neglected? Uh-huh, sure).

Just get over yourself. I agree with another PP that asking your mom to lie for you is a dick move (and it really clarifies how effed up your whole family is that she agreed). Get over yourself and try to act like a grown-up.

I think you need to sign up for therapy with a non-relative and hash out why you're still dwelling on things your sister did in heer teenage years. Movee on already!

[Anonymous]

^ apologies for typos...dang phone!

[Anonymous]

OP--Why are you still focusing on how much prettier, more popular, how many more boyfriends you had, etc you were than your sister was in high school. Competitive much? You seem to have spent a lot of time rehashing idiotic exchanges you had with your sister when you were teenagers. Get over it! You wouldn't believe the horrid things my sister and I said during those years. It isn't an issue in our lives now. Sibling rivalry isn't unusual. However, most of us make an effort to let it go when we become adults--it is part of growing up. You need to address your own issues before you cast anymore aspersions on your sister. Honestly, your whole family could use a therapist--one that isn't related to any of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why some posters are being so harsh. OP is not being dramatic. Families have issues, sisters have dynamics and jealousy exists between people whether one choses to ignore it or not. I don't understand how some of the posters on this forum can be so socially unidimensional. OP, don't be bothered by these people.

It sounds like your sister is in a tough situation with her marriage. I've seen some really lovely, amazing people become quite nasty and jealous of others while going through marital problems. Try to be compassionate while still maintaining solid lines on how you want her to treat you. If need be you might suggest going to a mediator together. And also keep in mind, you don't ever have to tell her about your pregnancy if you don't feel like it. It's your body and your life-you decide who you are comfortable talking with about it.

OP here. Because they're emotionally messed up. Good people don't bash other decent people for no apparent reason. Good people also don't like to intentionally make snarky comments to create online entertainment for themselves. Sad, unhappy, or angry people do that.

I totally understand where these snarky comments are coming from and who they're coming from. I have given no reason other than to anonymously admit that people find me prettier and think me more popular than my sister. That I recognize the difference in the way my sister and I were regarded isn't a reason to dislike my post or me. That's your issue, not mine. I did have more dates and people commented on my appearance a lot. That's nothing I earned, its just the way it was, fair or not. That's the beauty of anonymous forums; one can admit to things one doesn't admit in person for the sake of telling the truth and receiving honest advice. If anyone has been a jealous TTC woman before they're not going to like my post either because it shames them too. So this post is going to bring the claws out with these women too. But again, sorry to tell the truth but TTC women can indeed be very envious of women who have no fertility issues. I'm sorry for their plight of infertility but not empathetic at all with their envy.

For the idiot(s) that thought I like to rub my privileges in life in my sister's face...My mother was receiving my mail at home after I got married and left home. She asked me how it was that my loan could have been paid off in full so quickly. I explained DH did it. My sister was unmarried and living at home at the time and heard about it from my mom. My mom thought the world of my DH because of what he did and was talking about it to the rest of the family. Sister heard it all. So that's how she knew. You PP who doubted me could have asked for clarification before insulting me and making erroneous conclusions.

For the other idiot(s) who thought they were so clever in finding a loophole in my commentary about my family life....my father doted on me in childhood. It was my mother who emotionally abused me until we repaired our relationship after her cancer dx.

Honestly, I'm sorry that you're so unhappy with your lives that you need to bash innocent posters seeking support. Now I get why my sister is the way she is. She's not an anomaly; she's the norm. Jealousy, bitterness, and maliciousness is the norm among many women on here. And thats why you're all peeved that I exposed her disgusting character traits. She's a reflection of many of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why some posters are being so harsh. OP is not being dramatic. Families have issues, sisters have dynamics and jealousy exists between people whether one choses to ignore it or not. I don't understand how some of the posters on this forum can be so socially unidimensional. OP, don't be bothered by these people.

It sounds like your sister is in a tough situation with her marriage. I've seen some really lovely, amazing people become quite nasty and jealous of others while going through marital problems. Try to be compassionate while still maintaining solid lines on how you want her to treat you. If need be you might suggest going to a mediator together. And also keep in mind, you don't ever have to tell her about your pregnancy if you don't feel like it. It's your body and your life-you decide who you are comfortable talking with about it.

OP here. Because they're emotionally messed up. Good people don't bash other decent people for no apparent reason. Good people also don't like to intentionally make snarky comments to create online entertainment for themselves. Sad, unhappy, or angry people do that.

I totally understand where these snarky comments are coming from and who they're coming from. I have given no reason other than to anonymously admit that people find me prettier and think me more popular than my sister. That I recognize the difference in the way my sister and I were regarded isn't a reason to dislike my post or me. That's your issue, not mine. I did have more dates and people commented on my appearance a lot. That's nothing I earned, its just the way it was, fair or not. That's the beauty of anonymous forums; one can admit to things one doesn't admit in person for the sake of telling the truth and receiving honest advice. If anyone has been a jealous TTC woman before they're not going to like my post either because it shames them too. So this post is going to bring the claws out with these women too. But again, sorry to tell the truth but TTC women can indeed be very envious of women who have no fertility issues. I'm sorry for their plight of infertility but not empathetic at all with their envy.

For the record, I am an attractive person who just became pregnant with her third baby after the first try. You came on here asking for advice and now you are dismissing everyone's words, because you don't like what you are hearing. I agree, snarkiness is bad, but a lot of snarkiness comes out when the OP is blatantly naive to her own issues. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you keep wanting people to vilify your sister and let you off the hook. We are not talking to your sister, only you can change your behavior. A lot of people are reacting to you because you sound like a hostile, competitive, jealous person, you truly come across this way!

For the idiot(s) that thought I like to rub my privileges in life in my sister's face...My mother was receiving my mail at home after I got married and left home. She asked me how it was that my loan could have been paid off in full so quickly. I explained DH did it. My sister was unmarried and living at home at the time and heard about it from my mom. My mom thought the world of my DH because of what he did and was talking about it to the rest of the family. Sister heard it all. So that's how she knew. You PP who doubted me could have asked for clarification before insulting me and making erroneous conclusions.

For the other idiot(s) who thought they were so clever in finding a loophole in my commentary about my family life....my father doted on me in childhood. It was my mother who emotionally abused me until we repaired our relationship after her cancer dx.

Honestly, I'm sorry that you're so unhappy with your lives that you need to bash innocent posters seeking support. Now I get why my sister is the way she is. She's not an anomaly; she's the norm. Jealousy, bitterness, and maliciousness is the norm among many women on here. And thats why you're all peeved that I exposed her disgusting character traits. She's a reflection of many of you.

[Anonymous]

sorry, my response got lodged in the middle of your next diatribe, so here it is again, although you have no interest in hearing what any of us have to say unless we agree with you. not sure why you even came on here asking for advice.

For the record, I am an attractive person who just became pregnant with her third baby after the first try. You came on here asking for advice and now you are dismissing everyone's words, because you don't like what you are hearing. I agree, snarkiness is bad, but a lot of snarkiness comes out when the OP is blatantly naive to her own issues. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you keep wanting people to vilify your sister and let you off the hook. We are not talking to your sister, only you can change your behavior. A lot of people are reacting to you because you sound like a hostile, competitive, jealous person, you truly come across this way!

[Anonymous]

OP IS F*CKING NUTS... KEEP POSTING LADY!!!

<<<makes popcorn>>>

OP, I posted earlier about your Xmas post and how you liked rubbing things in your sisters face. Just to clarify, I am not TTC, my student loans were paid off by myself and through a 4 year scholarship (from the sweat on my brow, not from laying on my back), I was homecoming queen, never had trouble finding dates and my family is normal.

So, when I tell you honey you are nuts I say it because you see nuts. I am not jealous of you, I am laughing at you.

[Anonymous]

*you are nuts. Not toy 'see' nuts... But maybe you do see things because you are delusional.

[Anonymous]

AHHHHH PHONE!!! You, not you.