Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Keep your name.

Remember the SAVE Act? That could still pass and then you would be screwed.

I kept my name when we got married 38 years ago. Children have my last name as their middle. No issues.

The name does not make the family. How you live does. I am still married 38 years later, while many of my friends who changed their names now have no contact at all with the person whose name they took.

Don't cave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A woman who really loves the man she wants to marry is certainly not going to crowd source an issue like this.

OP, the only problem you need to justify your decision to are yourself and your partner.

Enjoy your power trip.

Her fiancé is power tripping, not her. She offered several compromises, but only his way is the right way. I would never marry a man like you or him.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I'm pretty liberal but if the husband took the wife's name or hyphenated his name I would assume he was virtue-signaling or p-whipped. A woman taking the husband's name has sexist roots but it's really not seen that way anymore, it's just the norm. No issue if the woman wants to keep her own name, but asking the husband to change name is making it a "thing."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is overly liberal on this topic compared with how people actually think day to day. Even a lot of left-leaning people may say out loud that it is no big deal, but internally they still notice and make assumptions.

Fair or not, when a married woman has a different last name from her husband or kids, people may quietly wonder: is she divorced, is this a blended family, is there a professional reason, is she making a political point, is she difficult, or is there some narcissistic reason she could not just take the shared family name? They may never say that out loud, but people absolutely make those judgments internally.

That is why I think the Pew data matters more than hand-picked examples. Even among liberal Democratic married women, only 25% kept their last name. So even in liberal circles, keeping your birth name is still the minority choice.

And if we are talking about liberal women who fully took their husband’s name, not hyphenated or combined, there are still examples: Abigail Davis became Abigail Spanberger, Nicolle Devenish became Nicolle Wallace, Joy-Ann Lomena became Joy Reid, and Mary Sattler became Mary Peltola. It is still very normal.

Not everyone is insecure enough to make choices about their personal life based on what other people will assume.

I kept my last name and if anyone's had some judgments about it, they haven't expressed it.

And I don't really care if someone secretly wonders about my name because there are a million other things people could judge me on, so... who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is overly liberal on this topic compared with how people actually think day to day. Even a lot of left-leaning people may say out loud that it is no big deal, but internally they still notice and make assumptions.

Fair or not, when a married woman has a different last name from her husband or kids, people may quietly wonder: is she divorced, is this a blended family, is there a professional reason, is she making a political point, is she difficult, or is there some narcissistic reason she could not just take the shared family name? They may never say that out loud, but people absolutely make those judgments internally.

That is why I think the Pew data matters more than hand-picked examples. Even among liberal Democratic married women, only 25% kept their last name. So even in liberal circles, keeping your birth name is still the minority choice.

And if we are talking about liberal women who fully took their husband’s name, not hyphenated or combined, there are still examples: Abigail Davis became Abigail Spanberger, Nicolle Devenish became Nicolle Wallace, Joy-Ann Lomena became Joy Reid, and Mary Sattler became Mary Peltola. It is still very normal.

This is def the correct answer for me, you freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, I'm pretty liberal but if the husband took the wife's name or hyphenated his name I would assume he was virtue-signaling or p-whipped. A woman taking the husband's name has sexist roots but it's really not seen that way anymore, it's just the norm. No issue if the woman wants to keep her own name, but asking the husband to change name is making it a "thing."

No, you most certainly aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is overly liberal on this topic compared with how people actually think day to day. Even a lot of left-leaning people may say out loud that it is no big deal, but internally they still notice and make assumptions.

Fair or not, when a married woman has a different last name from her husband or kids, people may quietly wonder: is she divorced, is this a blended family, is there a professional reason, is she making a political point, is she difficult, or is there some narcissistic reason she could not just take the shared family name? They may never say that out loud, but people absolutely make those judgments internally.

That is why I think the Pew data matters more than hand-picked examples. Even among liberal Democratic married women, only 25% kept their last name. So even in liberal circles, keeping your birth name is still the minority choice.

And if we are talking about liberal women who fully took their husband’s name, not hyphenated or combined, there are still examples: Abigail Davis became Abigail Spanberger, Nicolle Devenish became Nicolle Wallace, Joy-Ann Lomena became Joy Reid, and Mary Sattler became Mary Peltola. It is still very normal.

Not everyone is insecure enough to make choices about their personal life based on what other people will assume.

I kept my last name and if anyone's had some judgments about it, they haven't expressed it.

And I don't really care if someone secretly wonders about my name because there are a million other things people could judge me on, so... who cares?

+1. My wife kept her name, lots of our friends didn't, some of them hyphenated, some of them kept their names but hyphenated the kids. It's a big world with people making all kinds of choices. I've never noticed anyone assuming anything based on this one, and if they are, who cares?

[Anonymous]

Different last name is embarrassing to your children especially middle and high school , save them the grief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Burden how?

Bubbling in all those letters on the SAT, not being able to complete it on written forms (running out of boxes), which can lead to inconsistency across documents, what to do when they themselves get married...
No dog in this fight, but I knew I didnt want to hyphenate for this reason.
Almost all of the moms in my neighborhood kept their names, and most of the kids have dad's last name (one hyphenates but they have short names)

Papageorgakopoulos isn't having more difficulty completing forms than "Smith-Lee". Or are you saying Papageorgakopoulos should legally change their name to ensure they aren't running out of boxes? Of course not, because this isn't a real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not think taking your husband's last name needs to be treated like some outdated or anti-woman thing.

The data still shows it is completely normal. Pew found that 79% of women in opposite-sex marriages took their husband's last name, while only 14% kept their own and 5% hyphenated. Even education does not change the overall picture as much as people assume. Among women with postgraduate degrees, only 26% kept their original last name, meaning most still either took their husband's name or combined names.

And this is not just a conservative or old-fashioned thing. Plenty of prominent liberal, educated, accomplished American women have taken or used their husband's last name publicly, including Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jill Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris, Gwen Walz, and Gretchen Whitmer. In younger/current culture, you also see examples like Hailey Bieber and Chrissy Teigen.

Obviously, if someone has a strong personal, professional, cultural, or family reason not to change it, that is completely fine. But for most people, sharing one family name is simple, practical, and meaningful. It does not erase anyone's independence, education, politics, or accomplishments. For many families, it is just easier and cleaner to take the name and move on.

No amount of "most women take their husband's name" changes the fact that the practice is sexist and implies the superiority of male identity. We would have just as many men taking their wives' last name if the practice was truly neutral.

A practice can come from tradition without every woman who chooses it today being oppressed or endorsing male superiority. Most women are not sitting there thinking, "my husband’s identity is superior to mine." They are thinking, "we are forming one family unit, this is the normal convention, and it is easier for our household and children."

Also, the fact that fewer men take women’s names does not automatically make every woman’s choice sexist. It just means the convention runs one direction. Lots of social conventions are asymmetrical without every person participating in them being morally wrong.

Women are adults. If a woman wants to keep her name, fine. If she wants to take her husband’s name, also fine. But declaring the majority choice of married women "sexist" is not feminist. It is just judging women for making a traditional choice you personally dislike.

If it was a family unit, both names would be used, and the suggestion wouldn't seem offensive to men. The reality is that plenty of women agree to this because at some level they see that male commitment and identity is superior to theirs.

And as someone that has a double surname, i've never faced any administrative issues. The double surname is a purely cultural problem that has no relevance in any practical aspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Burden how?

Bubbling in all those letters on the SAT, not being able to complete it on written forms (running out of boxes), which can lead to inconsistency across documents, what to do when they themselves get married...
No dog in this fight, but I knew I didnt want to hyphenate for this reason.
Almost all of the moms in my neighborhood kept their names, and most of the kids have dad's last name (one hyphenates but they have short names)

I'm hyphenated. Never had any of the issues you list.

[Anonymous]

I kept my name and would really love it if someone came to me and told me how they disagree with that personal decision that has no bearing on them whatsoever. I'd have so much fun with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, I'm pretty liberal but if the husband took the wife's name or hyphenated his name I would assume he was virtue-signaling or p-whipped. A woman taking the husband's name has sexist roots but it's really not seen that way anymore, it's just the norm. No issue if the woman wants to keep her own name, but asking the husband to change name is making it a "thing."

You're not liberal. Just a conservative that likes free stuff from the government

[Anonymous]

consistentcy is the best idea if you mentally can't handle taking your husbands last name come up with a new single last name for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not think taking your husband's last name needs to be treated like some outdated or anti-woman thing.

The data still shows it is completely normal. Pew found that 79% of women in opposite-sex marriages took their husband's last name, while only 14% kept their own and 5% hyphenated. Even education does not change the overall picture as much as people assume. Among women with postgraduate degrees, only 26% kept their original last name, meaning most still either took their husband's name or combined names.

And this is not just a conservative or old-fashioned thing. Plenty of prominent liberal, educated, accomplished American women have taken or used their husband's last name publicly, including Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Jill Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris, Gwen Walz, and Gretchen Whitmer. In younger/current culture, you also see examples like Hailey Bieber and Chrissy Teigen.

Obviously, if someone has a strong personal, professional, cultural, or family reason not to change it, that is completely fine. But for most people, sharing one family name is simple, practical, and meaningful. It does not erase anyone's independence, education, politics, or accomplishments. For many families, it is just easier and cleaner to take the name and move on.

No amount of "most women take their husband's name" changes the fact that the practice is sexist and implies the superiority of male identity. We would have just as many men taking their wives' last name if the practice was truly neutral.

A practice can come from tradition without every woman who chooses it today being oppressed or endorsing male superiority. Most women are not sitting there thinking, "my husband’s identity is superior to mine." They are thinking, "we are forming one family unit, this is the normal convention, and it is easier for our household and children."

Also, the fact that fewer men take women’s names does not automatically make every woman’s choice sexist. It just means the convention runs one direction. Lots of social conventions are asymmetrical without every person participating in them being morally wrong.

Women are adults. If a woman wants to keep her name, fine. If she wants to take her husband’s name, also fine. But declaring the majority choice of married women "sexist" is not feminist. It is just judging women for making a traditional choice you personally dislike.

If it was a family unit, both names would be used, and the suggestion wouldn't seem offensive to men. The reality is that plenty of women agree to this because at some level they see that male commitment and identity is superior to theirs.

And as someone that has a double surname, i've never faced any administrative issues. The double surname is a purely cultural problem that has no relevance in any practical aspect.

+1

Do you automatically eliminate long first names for children because, forms?