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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Let me add one more thing.  I texted my brother last night to question the need to keep sending money for Larla visits, and my brother--who actually likes my mother and just visited her-- replied "we kind of asked the same question."  He went on to say that when he visited it was hard to see whether she "gave a shit" about anybody who was in the room, including our sister.  He is convinced that she's "all there . . . just completely unmotivated" and thinks she needs a geriatric psychiatric evaluation.

It's just very hard to sympathize because she's always been difficult and the stroke just made her bad qualities even worse.  And the irony of all of this is she and my sister never got along before the stroke and my sister still doesn't really even like her!

Again, we are not talking about paying a professional caregiver.  Larla would do nothing but visit.  To keep an eye on the real caregivers is what I suspect.  But here's the thing:  we could pay Larla a million dollars to be there 24/7 and my sister is still going to visit regularly.  She just will.  So a close eye will be kept regardless and Larla is just an unnecessary expense.  And taking my brother at his word, why pay Larla to visit when my mother doesn't even "give a shit" that she's there?[/quote]

So don't pay. You asked if you are the AH and people said yes but you don't want to hear about it. So, tell your sister no and then do what you want and hope you sleep well at night thinking you did the right thing.[/quote]

I’m in the minority and do not think she is the AH. There’s no point to hire Larla. The nursing home takes care of her. Even Cheap ones, have social events and meals. I think hiring her is simply a way to assuage the sisters’ guilt.  Op says sister will still be managing and still be visiting. [b]There really is no point for Larla.[/b][/quote]
As someone who has done a lot or elder care, I disagree.

Others have already explained that there is still a significant burden on caregivers when an LO enters AL or SNF. Sister will be doing that, so Larla’s visits make more time for Sister to do those things.

Larla provides stability, which will help both sister and mom to adjust

In any care setting, whether it’s Medicaid or high expense, the people who receive the best care have a roster of frequent visitors. Staff is more attentive when they know that someone might pop in at any time.

OP, it’s clear that the relationships here are complicated. You may feel more at peace with the arrangements if you reframe how you think about your mother and your sister. 
-Whatever she did in the past, your mom’s a vulnerable person now. 
-Sister makes different choices than you would, but she’s freeing you from any burden in making them

Finally, you’ve referenced the amount of your contributions in relation to others several times. At times it’s sounded resentful but I could be misinterpreting. I think when siblings take on these expenses proportionally, it’s really best for everyone. It means that the burden is shared more equally and that’s better for sibling relationships in the future. It sounds like your family has manged this well up until now and I compliment you on that. I wouldn’t rock that boat.

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