Sister asked if I would donate my eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After multiple failed IVF treatments, the doctors have told my sister that there is no way she will have a biological child. She is devastated. Her fertility specialist recommends she use a donor egg. She asked me if I would be the donor so that she could have a genetic connection to the child. I feel for her and want to help, but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of being the egg donor. Has anyone been there, done that? How do you navigate the whole, “my mom is my aunt and my aunt is my mom” thing? Is it weird seeing a child who is genetically yours but who you are not directly raising? How does that change your family relationships?

Kind of like grandparents? 25% rather than 50%, but otherwise the same…

That's not how it works at all. You would directly share DNA with that baby, not just be part of the same family genetic pool.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel pushed into doing this. If you don't feel like it's right DO NOT do it. I would not do it either. No is a no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a sister. If I did, I think I would do this for her.

I would not think the egg would make her child my child.

I know so many siblings who have kids who look similar. My good friend has sons and her sister has one daughter. When you look at the cousins, they look like siblings.

You would never forget that the child came from your egg. It’s not like lending some eggs so she can bake a cake.

I think OP should feel comfortable saying no. But I’m not sure this is true. My mom had an identical twin and I don’t think of her or her kids as my other mom or siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

What "boundary" did she cross? She asked OP. There's no indication that OP ever discussed this before with her sister. OP should absolutely feel free to say no, but the sister did not do anything wrong by asking.

In the LGBTQ community, it is very common for people to ask family members to donate gametes. I'm a lesbian going through IVF with a donor from a sperm bank because I do not want to ask family, but there are a lot of great arguments that using a friend or family donor is the most child-centered way to do things.

And that isn’t a good thing. It’s an unrecoverable boundary violation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

What "boundary" did she cross? She asked OP. There's no indication that OP ever discussed this before with her sister. OP should absolutely feel free to say no, but the sister did not do anything wrong by asking.

In the LGBTQ community, it is very common for people to ask family members to donate gametes. I'm a lesbian going through IVF with a donor from a sperm bank because I do not want to ask family, but there are a lot of great arguments that using a friend or family donor is the most child-centered way to do things.

And that isn’t a good thing. It’s an unrecoverable boundary violation.

No. Asking someone if they’re willing to do something when they haven’t previously set a boundary is NOT a boundary violation by definition. If OP says no and the sister starts to pressure, THAT is a boundary violation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do this no questions asked. And I would never feel like the mom.

How do you know?

I just know it wouldn’t bother me. Siblings already share DNA and the baby would still be half of the husband’s. The kids would already see me as an aunt, so there already would be a relationship there even if I didn’t donate eggs.

I’ve known quite a few sisters who donated eggs to their gay brothers so that the brother could have a child related to both them and their partner.

So you've never had your own kid and can't honestly say.

I have 3 kids!

And you want your 4th to be raised by your sister while you watch from the sidelines? What if the baby resents you later for doing it?

People are so weird. Parenthood is about so much more than genetic material. The genetic relationship isn’t nothing but our relationships with our parents are built over moments, days, years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a sister. If I did, I think I would do this for her.

I would not think the egg would make her child my child.

I know so many siblings who have kids who look similar. My good friend has sons and her sister has one daughter. When you look at the cousins, they look like siblings.

You would never forget that the child came from your egg. It’s not like lending some eggs so she can bake a cake.

I think OP should feel comfortable saying no. But I’m not sure this is true. My mom had an identical twin and I don’t think of her or her kids as my other mom or siblings.

Agreed. And why does it matter if you “never forget”? You are still not the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do this no questions asked. And I would never feel like the mom.

How do you know?

I just know it wouldn’t bother me. Siblings already share DNA and the baby would still be half of the husband’s. The kids would already see me as an aunt, so there already would be a relationship there even if I didn’t donate eggs.

I’ve known quite a few sisters who donated eggs to their gay brothers so that the brother could have a child related to both them and their partner.

So you've never had your own kid and can't honestly say.

I have 3 kids!

And you want your 4th to be raised by your sister while you watch from the sidelines? What if the baby resents you later for doing it?

People are so weird. Parenthood is about so much more than genetic material. The genetic relationship isn’t nothing but our relationships with our parents are built over moments, days, years.

So you must find it strange when adoptees want to find their birth family. It's not nothing, but it's important to people to know who they are, where they came from, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a sister. If I did, I think I would do this for her.

I would not think the egg would make her child my child.

I know so many siblings who have kids who look similar. My good friend has sons and her sister has one daughter. When you look at the cousins, they look like siblings.

You would never forget that the child came from your egg. It’s not like lending some eggs so she can bake a cake.

I think OP should feel comfortable saying no. But I’m not sure this is true. My mom had an identical twin and I don’t think of her or her kids as my other mom or siblings.

Agreed. And why does it matter if you “never forget”? You are still not the mom.

From what experience are you speaking from?

[Anonymous]

There's a really cool YT channel called McHusbands. They are gay dad parents.

They asked their mutual best friend Julie to be their egg donor. She did not want actual kids in life. Her parents wanted that for her, but she did not, she was pretty firm in that respect. She's a nail tech on YT herself.

the surrogate was the SIL of one of the dads who already had her own kids.

She carried twins for them to term, both from same donor eggs, but each dad contributed sperm. They ended up with 1 girl from each dad, and it's amazing how much from the same eggs they each look like their dads.

Two things in this case: the egg donor was 100% cool with it and the surrogate mother was related.

Those twins are turning 9 this year and everyone's pretty happy with them.

All these things can be cool but you have to be cool with it. If you're not, you are not your sister's solution.

No shame, but accept that you might not have the same relationship with your sister that you used to have.

Also, though, I have adopted and bio kids and your sister's insistence that she have some genetic bond with the baby is understandable, but also nonsense. People have adopted babies for all of human history. And if your sister is so insistent on a genetic bond ... I worry for the future if somehow a baby seems to want to "go to you" instead of mom ... your sister will probably not handle that kind off thing well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

What "boundary" did she cross? She asked OP. There's no indication that OP ever discussed this before with her sister. OP should absolutely feel free to say no, but the sister did not do anything wrong by asking.

In the LGBTQ community, it is very common for people to ask family members to donate gametes. I'm a lesbian going through IVF with a donor from a sperm bank because I do not want to ask family, but there are a lot of great arguments that using a friend or family donor is the most child-centered way to do things.

See how you are already trivializing the attachment? It’s a no for me

I’m trivializing the attachment by saying “gametes” instead of “egg and sperm”? Okay…

Absolutely. Donating eggs is not nutting in a cup. Egg retrieval is extremely taxing emotionally and physically. Trying to trivialize and dehumanize this contribution as if the sexes are interchangeable is complete disrespect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

What "boundary" did she cross? She asked OP. There's no indication that OP ever discussed this before with her sister. OP should absolutely feel free to say no, but the sister did not do anything wrong by asking.

In the LGBTQ community, it is very common for people to ask family members to donate gametes. I'm a lesbian going through IVF with a donor from a sperm bank because I do not want to ask family, but there are a lot of great arguments that using a friend or family donor is the most child-centered way to do things.

And that isn’t a good thing. It’s an unrecoverable boundary violation.

Np. I don’t feel like that at all. I think there’s plenty of us who would feel no attachment other than that of an aunt to the baby.

[Anonymous]

Are you very close with your sister? If you’re considering it, you should go to a therapist that specializes in this area to make sure you talk through everything first. Will your sister feel territorial and become removed from you after the baby is born? Will you feel this is your baby? Agreement on what to tell the baby (I opt for complete, early matter-of-fact disclosure). Is your sister hoping for multiples and wants to freeze some embryos for later use, and if so are you ok with that? How does your spouse (if any) feel about it and how does your sister’s spouse feel about it?

How old are you and do you have kids? How old is your sister?

I think it comes down to whether you see your eggs as mini-yous/babies or whether you see them as special genetic blueprints that aren’t complete until paired with a sperm and another set of genetic blueprints.

Let us know what you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

What "boundary" did she cross? She asked OP. There's no indication that OP ever discussed this before with her sister. OP should absolutely feel free to say no, but the sister did not do anything wrong by asking.

In the LGBTQ community, it is very common for people to ask family members to donate gametes. I'm a lesbian going through IVF with a donor from a sperm bank because I do not want to ask family, but there are a lot of great arguments that using a friend or family donor is the most child-centered way to do things.

See how you are already trivializing the attachment? It’s a no for me

I’m trivializing the attachment by saying “gametes” instead of “egg and sperm”? Okay…

Absolutely. Donating eggs is not nutting in a cup. Egg retrieval is extremely taxing emotionally and physically. Trying to trivialize and dehumanize this contribution as if the sexes are interchangeable is complete disrespect

So it's nothing to do with the genetic and emotional attachment, which is what you said? Because the genetic contributions are identical. It's about the invasiveness of the procedure? If so, that's not remotely what you said and not what I was responding to.

As everyone here has said, you are obviously free to decline and should decline with zero guilt if you don't want to do it. No one is forcing you to donate your eggs. Egg retrieval isn't nothing, but it's also not even close to the worst medical procedure I've ever had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do this no questions asked. And I would never feel like the mom.

Same. But OP, doesn’t feel this way. She should say no, and move on.