Sister asked if I would donate my eggs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

So your genetic connection to your nonexistent potential child is so important that you don't value your genetic connection to your actual sister enough to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.

It's how it goes. The parent/child relationship is much more important than a sibling relationship. What decent parent values their sibling more than their own child? This genetic connection isn't as casual as some are trying to make it seem.

But there is no child. I am speaking to the PP who says that they will never view their relationship with their sister the same way, just because she ASKED!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

So your genetic connection to your nonexistent potential child is so important that you don't value your genetic connection to your actual sister enough to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.

It's how it goes. The parent/child relationship is much more important than a sibling relationship. What decent parent values their sibling more than their own child? This genetic connection isn't as casual as some are trying to make it seem.

We’re not talking about an actual child. We’re talking about how the question about donating one’s eggs to a sibling is apparently so blatantly offensive that it should never be asked.

Of course the genetic connection is really important to some people and they’d never be comfortable donating their eggs. That’s fine. That’s also different than whether the question can even be asked.

Uhhh... I guess that's why many of us cannot get on the same wavelength. We're thinking of this as a child, not eggs.

I wonder if all of these posters oppose abortion or do they then call this child “a clump of cells.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either the DNA connection to a child is deeply meaningful or it isn’t. If it’s this meaningful to OP’s sister, she should understand why it’s meaningful to OP as well. If the idea of not having a genetic connection to the child you’re raising is painful, you should be able to understand that the idea of having someone else raise your biological offspring is also potentially painful.

NP. This is almost word for word what I wanted to write. And fwiw the genetic connection is very important to me and I couldn’t have someone else raising my child. I’d be very uncomfortable with this request and I wouldn’t look at the sister the same way again.

So your genetic connection to your nonexistent potential child is so important that you don't value your genetic connection to your actual sister enough to be able to maintain a healthy relationship.

It's how it goes. The parent/child relationship is much more important than a sibling relationship. What decent parent values their sibling more than their own child? This genetic connection isn't as casual as some are trying to make it seem.

We’re not talking about an actual child. We’re talking about how the question about donating one’s eggs to a sibling is apparently so blatantly offensive that it should never be asked.

Of course the genetic connection is really important to some people and they’d never be comfortable donating their eggs. That’s fine. That’s also different than whether the question can even be asked.

Uhhh... I guess that's why many of us cannot get on the same wavelength. We're thinking of this as a child, not eggs.

I wonder if all of these posters oppose abortion or do they then call this child “a clump of cells.”

🚨THREAD DERAILMENT ATTEMPTED🚨

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that sucks that she directly asked, OP. (It feels like a violation of a normal sibling relationship). I’m sorry, but no matter how you respond I think the relationship is now going to be awkward at best for at least a while.

How else would you propose asking? Through other family members? Like please, just be normal. My sister had a prior stillbirth and asked me to be a surrogate for her. I told her I knew I couldn't emotionally do it, and she completely accepted the response and never asked again. IT'S FINE. There's nothing wrong with asking. There's something wrong with pressuring and refusing to take no for an answer.

I’d propose they don’t ask. Assuming the fertility struggles aren’t a secret, I will offer if I’m willing. If I don’t speak up, I’m clearly not interested, you asking me just puts me in a really uncomfortable position.

Why would you assume that someone wants you to donate your eggs? Seems presumptuous. Also seems weirdly immature to demand the sister tiptoe around the issue to hint at it.

It’s fine to ask. The ask should make clear that a “no” is totally acceptable answer. If the person asked feels so violated by the inquiry, I think that person should consider therapy.

No.

DP, but Yes, it is okay to ask (with zero expectation of a yes).

Do you feel the same way about organ donation? Must everyone put themselves in a mindset where it’s not okay to ever ask family to do anything? All help MUST come from strangers?

DP. I do. I think that you can express to family members your problem. But asking somebody in your family to donate a liver after you've explained that you need a liver, and they did not offer, is narcissistic and selfish. They had a chance to offer and chose not to do so; to pursue it further is terrible behavior.

Maybe your family works in this arms-length communication by implication system, but lots of other families don’t and it doesn’t mean yours is “right” and other families are “wrong.”

It’s also weird and awkward to offer if you haven’t been asked. Maybe sister thinks I’m too old or otherwise prefers a non-family donor. Why would I assume she wants my eggs if she didn’t ask? On both sides it’s kind of awkward and presumptuous to bring up, so in intimate relationships like family, either one can reasonably bring it up in a kind way, acknowledging the other person’s right to just say no. Someone has to take the potentially awkward/risky step of communicating first and either is equally reasonable in taking that step.

[Anonymous]

Have not read the entire thread but I am surprised at how many people are horrified at this idea. If my sister asked I would do it. I have two kids and I just don’t think I’d view my sister’s kid conceived with my egg as “my kid”. I’d view it as my niece / nephew but with a special connection. But my dad was adopted and I think that has colored my view of what the most important part of parenting is.