Sister asked if I would donate my eggs

[Anonymous]

I said no to my sister. I do not believe she would be a great parent (I would never tell her that) and it would kill me to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

What "boundary" did she cross? She asked OP. There's no indication that OP ever discussed this before with her sister. OP should absolutely feel free to say no, but the sister did not do anything wrong by asking.

In the LGBTQ community, it is very common for people to ask family members to donate gametes. I'm a lesbian going through IVF with a donor from a sperm bank because I do not want to ask family, but there are a lot of great arguments that using a friend or family donor is the most child-centered way to do things.

See how you are already trivializing the attachment? It’s a no for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do this no questions asked. And I would never feel like the mom.

How do you know?

I just know it wouldn’t bother me. Siblings already share DNA and the baby would still be half of the husband’s. The kids would already see me as an aunt, so there already would be a relationship there even if I didn’t donate eggs.

I’ve known quite a few sisters who donated eggs to their gay brothers so that the brother could have a child related to both them and their partner.

So you've never had your own kid and can't honestly say.

I have 3 kids!

And you want your 4th to be raised by your sister while you watch from the sidelines? What if the baby resents you later for doing it?

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a sister. If I did, I think I would do this for her.

I would not think the egg would make her child my child.

I know so many siblings who have kids who look similar. My good friend has sons and her sister has one daughter. When you look at the cousins, they look like siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a sister. If I did, I think I would do this for her.

I would not think the egg would make her child my child.

I know so many siblings who have kids who look similar. My good friend has sons and her sister has one daughter. When you look at the cousins, they look like siblings.

You would never forget that the child came from your egg. It’s not like lending some eggs so she can bake a cake.

[Anonymous]

Egg retrieval can be a rough process. My friend had to be hospitalized multiple times after hers. So that's definitely another factor to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a sister. If I did, I think I would do this for her.

I would not think the egg would make her child my child.

I know so many siblings who have kids who look similar. My good friend has sons and her sister has one daughter. When you look at the cousins, they look like siblings.

I don't have a sister either, but if I did I hope we would be close enough that I would want to do this for her.

I have 2 children and I don't think I'd feel strange being an aunt to this imaginary child, but if course there's no way to know in advance. I will say that my brother's DS, who I share only 1/4 of my genetic material with, looks much more like me than my own children do (both my kids strongly resemble my DH), so the stronger genetic connection with this imaginary child wouldn't necessarily be obvious.

Also, egg donation in any other circumstance than this is morally fraught and usually exploitative, IMO.

[Anonymous]

If you are considering it, you should figure out at least:

Is she going to tell the child that it’s your egg
Are you going to tell your children the child is their cousin or half sibling?
What if any of the kids take a 23 and me or similar DNA test, how will everyone handle?
How involved do you what to be in this child’s life? More than just an aunt? Will you feel more connected?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP...that was quite a boundary she crossed asking you. I'm sorry you were put in this situation. I imagine the fear of tension if you say no makes it uncomfortable at best.

That said, you still have to say no if you aren't comfortable. She was dealt a crummy hand of cards but it's not your job to fix it if you aren't 100% on board.

What "boundary" did she cross? She asked OP. There's no indication that OP ever discussed this before with her sister. OP should absolutely feel free to say no, but the sister did not do anything wrong by asking.

In the LGBTQ community, it is very common for people to ask family members to donate gametes. I'm a lesbian going through IVF with a donor from a sperm bank because I do not want to ask family, but there are a lot of great arguments that using a friend or family donor is the most child-centered way to do things.

See how you are already trivializing the attachment? It’s a no for me

I’m trivializing the attachment by saying “gametes” instead of “egg and sperm”? Okay…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a sister. If I did, I think I would do this for her.

I would not think the egg would make her child my child.

I know so many siblings who have kids who look similar. My good friend has sons and her sister has one daughter. When you look at the cousins, they look like siblings.

I don't have a sister either, but if I did I hope we would be close enough that I would want to do this for her.

I have 2 children and I don't think I'd feel strange being an aunt to this imaginary child, but if course there's no way to know in advance. I will say that my brother's DS, who I share only 1/4 of my genetic material with, looks much more like me than my own children do (both my kids strongly resemble my DH), so the stronger genetic connection with this imaginary child wouldn't necessarily be obvious.

Also, egg donation in any other circumstance than this is morally fraught and usually exploitative, IMO.

What if the imaginary child grows up to think you would have made the better parent and was resentful about being given to the sister and also missing out on a normal life with siblings raised by bio mom? You never know how it will work out. It's more than just who looks like who.

[Anonymous]

Donating eggs is different from donating sperm. It’s really taxing on the body, mentally and physically. There are studies showing it can increase cancer risk. And IVF often fails so it could all be for naught. I would not put my body thru that

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP?

Do you have children?

I think my response depends on those two answers. 1) if you are older (>34) you donating is just wasting your sister's time and also putting you through a lot for nothing.

2) If you don't have children, but want them this would be heartbreaking that your sister has your child and you potentially don't have anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After multiple failed IVF treatments, the doctors have told my sister that there is no way she will have a biological child. She is devastated. Her fertility specialist recommends she use a donor egg. She asked me if I would be the donor so that she could have a genetic connection to the child. I feel for her and want to help, but I’m not entirely comfortable with the idea of being the egg donor. Has anyone been there, done that? How do you navigate the whole, “my mom is my aunt and my aunt is my mom” thing? Is it weird seeing a child who is genetically yours but who you are not directly raising? How does that change your family relationships?

Kind of like grandparents? 25% rather than 50%, but otherwise the same…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean “her genetics get infused?” That’s not how it works.

Epigentics are a real thing.

But that’s still not how it works

[Anonymous]

No way. I would be too protective of that child. I would always feel too responsible if anything goes wrong and things always go wrong (it’s life).