Disappointment over milestone gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is you step mom Jewish? I hate to pin this all on his wife, but over and over I’ve seen the dynamic of a new wife not caring about her husbands kids or grandkids. And causing the man to give less or show up less than he would normally. And if she’s not Jewish this might play into it even more.

Of course, a real man doesn’t let his wife control his family relations, so it’s his fault anyways.

This. No respectable man of means, whose own parents gave his child 1,800 in the 90s, gives cufflinks to his grandchild for his bar mitzvah unless it is new-wife driven. Especially if she isn't Jewish. That said, I don't know how you possibly address that without further making new wife really put the brakes on more interaction. Separately, on't expect any inheritance.

You shouldn't expect it anyway. No one owes you their money.

I get that. But, to me, it's always a shame when the new wife takes away the original family kids' inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is you step mom Jewish? I hate to pin this all on his wife, but over and over I’ve seen the dynamic of a new wife not caring about her husbands kids or grandkids. And causing the man to give less or show up less than he would normally. And if she’s not Jewish this might play into it even more.

Of course, a real man doesn’t let his wife control his family relations, so it’s his fault anyways.

This. No respectable man of means, whose own parents gave his child 1,800 in the 90s, gives cufflinks to his grandchild for his bar mitzvah unless it is new-wife driven. Especially if she isn't Jewish. That said, I don't know how you possibly address that without further making new wife really put the brakes on more interaction. Separately, on't expect any inheritance.

You shouldn't expect it anyway. No one owes you their money.

I get that. But, to me, it's always a shame when the new wife takes away the original family kids' inheritance.

There's no inheritance if your relative doesn't leave it to you. It's their choice to let someone take their money, just like it would be their choice to let you take it. They don't want you to have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing to say. $400 is a nice gift.

+1 and how the heck do know how much the cuff links are worth!? Let me guess, you researched. You are really tacky.

[Anonymous]

This is a clear indication that you should not count on any sort of inheritance from your dad. It will all go to your stepmom (and to her family). Get used to the idea.

[Anonymous]

This ain’t it OP. With respect, I hope you recognize that how unlikely it is that your father even knew what his parents gave his daughter for her bat mitzvah in the 90s or that he would remember that amount decades later.

I also sincerely hope that you have not made your disappointment known to your child, that you think $400 cufflinks and attendance at his bar mitzvah means his grandpa doesn’t care. It really would only serve to hurt your child’s feelings.

I suspect you know all this OP, which is why you posted on an anonymous message board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do I say something without coming off as obnoxious/spoiled/greedy? Would this bother others?

No. Because even in this post you sound obnoxious, spoiled, and greedy. Your father gave your child a generous gift, and one that he will actually use for the rest of his life and hopefully think of his grandfather when he does. You have now soured this for your son. Instead of thinking "I love these cufflinks grandpa gave me" when he is, for example, getting dressed for his wedding, he will probably think "mom said these have no value" and stick them in the back of his dresser and never think of them again now. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a clear indication that you should not count on any sort of inheritance from your dad. It will all go to your stepmom (and to her family). Get used to the idea.

This happened to my husband's mother. 2nd wife had the will changed to completely leave out her husband's bio children and grandchildren. He was not mentally incompetent so it could not be overturned.

[Anonymous]

Screw a thoughtful gift, give me the cold hard cash!!

[Anonymous]

Becoming a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is not a money grab.

I would never tell a grandparent or anyone else how large their gift should be.

Your father honored your kid: showing up; new suit.

Really the classiest thing is to request no gifts, but suggest a charity for contributions. That is far more in the spirit of becoming Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Right now, I would ask for contributions to the Security Fund onthe synagogue. I regret this expense is necessary, but it is.

Te same goes for anyone who hasn’t given a gift. Don’t ask if it got lost in the mail…unless asked about it.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for all the perspectives. I agree there is probably nothing I can say that will make any different and won’t come off the wrong way.

A couple things to add - in the Jewish religion it is customary to give money as the gift for a Mitzvah, no matter how big or small, not a physical gift. I have not at all soured the gift for my son, who frankly isn’t excited about cuff link yet but I know they will be a meaningful gift when he is older. I don’t know the exact dollar amount they cost, but that was an estimate based on the fancy store they came from.

In terms of my dad not remembering what others gave me, sure he may not remember dollar amounts, but he was not a passive bystander. He took all the money and invested it for years until I graduated from college, and when I did graduate and moved to NYC he made a big show of giving me a check and telling me I was cut off financially but could use that money to supplement my income, which was very necessary since I made like $25,000 a year and couldn’t cover my rent without it. He had basically doubled the money from investing it and was very proud of that fact. So for that reason I find it hard to imagine he forgot all of that along with the lesson of learning to be financially independent/responsible.

[Anonymous]

Let it go OP. You are coming across as spoilt and entitled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the perspectives. I agree there is probably nothing I can say that will make any different and won’t come off the wrong way.

A couple things to add - in the Jewish religion it is customary to give money as the gift for a Mitzvah, no matter how big or small, not a physical gift. I have not at all soured the gift for my son, who frankly isn’t excited about cuff link yet but I know they will be a meaningful gift when he is older. I don’t know the exact dollar amount they cost, but that was an estimate based on the fancy store they came from.

In terms of my dad not remembering what others gave me, sure he may not remember dollar amounts, but he was not a passive bystander. He took all the money and invested it for years until I graduated from college, and when I did graduate and moved to NYC he made a big show of giving me a check and telling me I was cut off financially but could use that money to supplement my income, which was very necessary since I made like $25,000 a year and couldn’t cover my rent without it. He had basically doubled the money from investing it and was very proud of that fact. So for that reason I find it hard to imagine he forgot all of that along with the lesson of learning to be financially independent/responsible.

He is teaching you this once more. You are responsible to teach this to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go OP. You are coming across as spoilt and entitled

No, OP’s dad is coming off as a miserly jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go OP. You are coming across as spoilt and entitled

+1
Especially with the update.
I wish I had that bundle of money when I also made 25K and was trying to make rent! Alas, I did not!

[Anonymous]

I agree OP it's obnoxious. You can't even return them because they are monogrammed and it's the rare 13-year-old who would enjoy that gift. i also agree there is nothing you can say. I would not have him lie and say how much he loves the gift in the note. Just write "thank you for the monogrammed cufflinks. I appreciate you attending and I enjoyed seeing you."

My FIL lives in one of the most expensive towns in the US. When we married his wife-DH's stepmom spent under $100 getting plates off our registry and she included her adult daughter and the daughter's date on the gift-so it was from 4 people. Meanwhile for every milestone she had her daughter collect money from DH and his siblings to get her specific gifts she requested all together and then present this gift to her or to both of them (if it was an anniversary) at a party she threw. She would then act surprised. She also inherited everything after he passed.

I have a no gift policy for just about everything because both DH's family and mine play strange games with gifts. The thing is they now do it with people who still accept gifts and then complain they didn't think the thank you note was effusive enough or the person had the nerve to return it or a laundry list of other things. The wealthier ones are usually the strangest like getting some ugly thing from TJ Maxx that looks like a cheap knockoff of something on a registry, placing it in a box from the store on the registry and then not leaving a gift receipt. That's a lot of effort to give someone something they don't want. And yes, it isn't about the gifts, but why would you put so much effort into getting someone something useless.