Disappointment over milestone gift

[Anonymous]

My son recently had his Bar Mitzvah and all of our family was in attendance. This is an important milestone on both sides of the family. My parents are divorced (but both remarried) and my father has been very successful and lives what most would consider a lavish life. My mom and in-laws do not have a ton of money in comparison, although both are comfortable enough.

Both my in-laws and mom gave my son a very generous financial gift for his Bar Mitzvah, which will be saved for him to use after college. My dad, in comparison, gave him a pair of monogrammed cuff links that are nice but maybe cost $400. His parents, my grandparents, gave me $1,800 for my own Bat Mitzvah in the early 90s, and he is well aware of that. We have several friends who gave more than my dad did.

I can’t help but feel annoyed and insulted that he wasn’t more thoughtful with his gift, especially since he knows how helpful the money I had saved from my own Bat Mitzvah was for me post-college when I moved to a new city and made no money. This is the same person who told me he got a new suit for the Bar Mitzvah and couldn’t believe a nice suit costs $5,000 these days (obviously you can get a suit for much less). We also hosted him and my step-mom for a full weekend which included multiple meals he didn’t have to play a dime for, and we most definitely spent more on him than that.

Do I say something without coming off as obnoxious/spoiled/greedy? Would this bother others?

[Anonymous]

He is your dad. Just tell him how disappointed you are, and that he needs to give your son a better gift.

[Anonymous]

What the heck would you even say? What would that accomplish?

[Anonymous]

No, I would not say anything, but would scale down any future visits.

[Anonymous]

Saving money for “after college?”

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t say anything.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the cuff links, Dad! Your grandson thinks they're very cool. He'll be writing a proper thank you note soon. Tell me when you're mailing your check, so I can look for it. DS wants Venmo, but a check is probably more secure.

^ Just blah blah to package the fact that you're still expecting a monetary contribution.

With that kind of a father, OP, you either don't expect anything, or you find ways to wheedle money out of him. He's not the giving sort. Personally, I suggest you trying wheedling first, to see if it works. He's a selfish arse, so it's not as if you've got any meaningful relationship to lose.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing you can say. He gave what he chose to. Maybe he will help your son with college or in other ways as needed.
Either way, you need to get over yourself,

[Anonymous]

Is you step mom Jewish? I hate to pin this all on his wife, but over and over I’ve seen the dynamic of a new wife not caring about her husbands kids or grandkids. And causing the man to give less or show up less than he would normally. And if she’s not Jewish this might play into it even more.

Of course, a real man doesn’t let his wife control his family relations, so it’s his fault anyways.

[Anonymous]

How are monogrammed cuff links $400?? I gave dh some sterling ones and they were less than half that. They were monogrammed too.

[Anonymous]

You need to be grateful and move on. Don’t have your son turn out greedy…like you. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

I can understand your disappointment but I don’t think there’s anything you can really do or say. Just scale back your expectations going forward.

[Anonymous]

A gift is not an expectation, OP. Absolutely do not say anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is you step mom Jewish? I hate to pin this all on his wife, but over and over I’ve seen the dynamic of a new wife not caring about her husbands kids or grandkids. And causing the man to give less or show up less than he would normally. And if she’s not Jewish this might play into it even more.

Of course, a real man doesn’t let his wife control his family relations, so it’s his fault anyways.

She is Jewish but not very religious - she and her own kids were not bar/bat mitzvah’d. I am sure she doesn’t care about the tradition and also doesn’t care about supporting her step-grandson.

[Anonymous]

Would love to have this "Problem"