Disappointment over milestone gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a clear indication that you should not count on any sort of inheritance from your dad. It will all go to your stepmom (and to her family). Get used to the idea.

This happened to my husband's mother. 2nd wife had the will changed to completely leave out her husband's bio children and grandchildren. He was not mentally incompetent so it could not be overturned.

2nd wife cannot do that. Your FIL did that….seems for good reason.

Np they can. Grandpa had it set up that his money went to his wife (stepmom) and then when she passed it was split between his 5 kids. After he died, stepmom changed the will and left all his and her money (she didn’t have any inheritance outside of what grandpa had earned) to her kids. They’d only been married 8 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a clear indication that you should not count on any sort of inheritance from your dad. It will all go to your stepmom (and to her family). Get used to the idea.

This happened to my husband's mother. 2nd wife had the will changed to completely leave out her husband's bio children and grandchildren. He was not mentally incompetent so it could not be overturned.

2nd wife cannot do that. Your FIL did that….seems for good reason.

Np they can. Grandpa had it set up that his money went to his wife (stepmom) and then when she passed it was split between his 5 kids. After he died, stepmom changed the will and left all his and her money (she didn’t have any inheritance outside of what grandpa had earned) to her kids. They’d only been married 8 years.

I think the way to avoid that is for the grandpa to put the money in trust so that the wife is the beneficiary during her lifetime and the remainder is distributed to his children. I think a lot of men don’t think about this though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a clear indication that you should not count on any sort of inheritance from your dad. It will all go to your stepmom (and to her family). Get used to the idea.

This happened to my husband's mother. 2nd wife had the will changed to completely leave out her husband's bio children and grandchildren. He was not mentally incompetent so it could not be overturned.

2nd wife cannot do that. Your FIL did that….seems for good reason.

Np they can. Grandpa had it set up that his money went to his wife (stepmom) and then when she passed it was split between his 5 kids. After he died, stepmom changed the will and left all his and her money (she didn’t have any inheritance outside of what grandpa had earned) to her kids. They’d only been married 8 years.

I think the way to avoid that is for the grandpa to put the money in trust so that the wife is the beneficiary during her lifetime and the remainder is distributed to his children. I think a lot of men don’t think about this though.

It's true. They are so glad to not be lonely and have another woman to run their household and social lives.

[Anonymous]

I've seen the second wife get the family home and all the assets. The kids don't even get a say in what happens to their mother's things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can say. He gave what he chose to. Maybe he will help your son with college or in other ways as needed.
Either way, you need to get over yourself,

This.

[Anonymous]

You are strange for even thinking you have the right to say something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son recently had his Bar Mitzvah and all of our family was in attendance. This is an important milestone on both sides of the family. My parents are divorced (but both remarried) and my father has been very successful and lives what most would consider a lavish life. My mom and in-laws do not have a ton of money in comparison, although both are comfortable enough.

Both my in-laws and mom gave my son a very generous financial gift for his Bar Mitzvah, which will be saved for him to use after college. My dad, in comparison, gave him a pair of monogrammed cuff links that are nice but maybe cost $400. His parents, my grandparents, gave me $1,800 for my own Bat Mitzvah in the early 90s, and he is well aware of that. We have several friends who gave more than my dad did.

I can’t help but feel annoyed and insulted that he wasn’t more thoughtful with his gift, especially since he knows how helpful the money I had saved from my own Bat Mitzvah was for me post-college when I moved to a new city and made no money. This is the same person who told me he got a new suit for the Bar Mitzvah and couldn’t believe a nice suit costs $5,000 these days (obviously you can get a suit for much less). We also hosted him and my step-mom for a full weekend which included multiple meals he didn’t have to play a dime for, and we most definitely spent more on him than that.

Do I say something without coming off as obnoxious/spoiled/greedy? Would this bother others?

You can't say anything without coming off as obnoxious, spoiled and greedy because you, in fact, are obnoxious, spoiled and greedy. At least you're aware of it.

[Anonymous]

My son had his Bar Mitzvah recently and my daughter had her Bat Mitzvah two years ago. Both sets of grandparents are Jewish and both are well off and very close with the grandkids and I would NEVER have expected some lavish gift or large sum of money from them. Both gave the kids nice gifts, but nothing memorable in terms of the amount. And yet we had such a joyous celebration with friends and family. Work on your relationship with your dad, OP. I don’t think this is about the money.

[Anonymous]

Somewhat of a tangent but: Something isn’t sitting right with all the “second wife” sniping. The “second wife” is just the wife. His wife, who he expects to be his partner for the rest of his life. The money that is his (theirs) is NOT YOURS. No adult child is entitled to mandate that their parents preserve a certain amount of money while they live in order to pass it along to the children when they die. If you do inherit something from your parents, good for you, but that is your windfall and not your entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somewhat of a tangent but: Something isn’t sitting right with all the “second wife” sniping. The “second wife” is just the wife. His wife, who he expects to be his partner for the rest of his life. The money that is his (theirs) is NOT YOURS. No adult child is entitled to mandate that their parents preserve a certain amount of money while they live in order to pass it along to the children when they die. If you do inherit something from your parents, good for you, but that is your windfall and not your entitlement.

I think people are griping about their mom's inheritance. Imagine your mom passing, dad marrying someone else and everything ending up with the "second" wife. Even their mom's personal belongings or mom's inheritance from her parents/grandparents. It's common to leave everything to the spouse, who then obviously leaves everything to their "second" spouse. I'm not a lawyer, so would think the laws would now accommodate re-marriages, but perhaps not so well. In old times when everything went to the male heir, it solved this problem.

[Anonymous]

God, you sound so greedy, OP.

Is this not for a RELIGIOUS ceremony? And you are grasping and fuming because you want someone to give more more money?

Gross.

[Anonymous]

You noted that others were very generous in the way that you wished for. Focus on being thankful for that. Let the negative energy of being disappointed in one gift go.

[Anonymous]

You cannot say anything but it's normal to be upset if 1. he is bragging about his expensive suit 2. (not sure if you've mentioned this) your step-mom has kids who get preferential treatment.

I think even regardless of money per se those things would hurt anyone. The money aspect is just symbolic of the double standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somewhat of a tangent but: Something isn’t sitting right with all the “second wife” sniping. The “second wife” is just the wife. His wife, who he expects to be his partner for the rest of his life. The money that is his (theirs) is NOT YOURS. No adult child is entitled to mandate that their parents preserve a certain amount of money while they live in order to pass it along to the children when they die. If you do inherit something from your parents, good for you, but that is your windfall and not your entitlement.

I think people are griping about their mom's inheritance. Imagine your mom passing, dad marrying someone else and everything ending up with the "second" wife. Even their mom's personal belongings or mom's inheritance from her parents/grandparents. It's common to leave everything to the spouse, who then obviously leaves everything to their "second" spouse. I'm not a lawyer, so would think the laws would now accommodate re-marriages, but perhaps not so well. In old times when everything went to the male heir, it solved this problem.

Thanks for this perspective. I’m the PP. I think it’s odd that the second spouse would want to hang on to the possessions of her predecessor but maybe we are talking more about family heirloom type stuff, which I still put in the category of property that the surviving parent (the father) is allowed to dispose of as he sees fit - which may be at a garage sale while he is alive or via bequest to his surviving second spouse when he dies. A lot of people do not put much thought into their wills, divvying up what should go to whom, and that is understandable IMO.

[Anonymous]

It there were no Wife #2 kid may not even have gotten cufflinks! Odds are she ordered them. Grandad might have just given a card with $180 in it in 20s.