Disappointment over milestone gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son recently had his Bar Mitzvah and all of our family was in attendance. This is an important milestone on both sides of the family. My parents are divorced (but both remarried) and my father has been very successful and lives what most would consider a lavish life. My mom and in-laws do not have a ton of money in comparison, although both are comfortable enough.

Both my in-laws and mom gave my son a very generous financial gift for his Bar Mitzvah, which will be saved for him to use after college. My dad, in comparison, gave him a pair of monogrammed cuff links that are nice but maybe cost $400. His parents, my grandparents, gave me $1,800 for my own Bat Mitzvah in the early 90s, and he is well aware of that. We have several friends who gave more than my dad did.

I can’t help but feel annoyed and insulted that he wasn’t more thoughtful with his gift, especially since he knows how helpful the money I had saved from my own Bat Mitzvah was for me post-college when I moved to a new city and made no money. This is the same person who told me he got a new suit for the Bar Mitzvah and couldn’t believe a nice suit costs $5,000 these days (obviously you can get a suit for much less). We also hosted him and my step-mom for a full weekend which included multiple meals he didn’t have to play a dime for, and we most definitely spent more on him than that.

Do I say something without coming off as obnoxious/spoiled/greedy? Would this bother others?

Jesus Christ, you’re embodying every nasty stereotype about Jews with this. You ungrateful, entitled witch.

[Anonymous]

Complaining about the monetary value of a gift is gauche. Accept it, thank the giver and move on.

[Anonymous]

This is not a problem. I’m sure your son received plenty of generous gifts for his Bar Mitzvah so be grateful. Most of my family members aren’t in the position to give extravagant gifts so my daughter got a few low dollar gift cards and a bunch of small but thoughtful gifts for her 16th birthday.

We give her everything she needs and I don’t look to relatives to do anything even its milestone event.

Get over it and don’t say a word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not say anything, but would scale down any future visits.

Because...you only spend time with people that is commensurate with the amount of money you give them?!

[Anonymous]

I think you're being really greedy. He gave your son a customized gift and there are many years for your father to give him future monetary gifts. Teach your son to be grateful for what you do have, not angry about what you don't.

[Anonymous]

Your father doesn’t owe you or your son anything. He gave what he wanted. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go OP. You are coming across as spoilt and entitled

No, OP’s dad is coming off as a miserly jerk.

Both can be true.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any siblings whose children are a bit older? If so, if your dad’s gift similar to what he gave them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son recently had his Bar Mitzvah and all of our family was in attendance. This is an important milestone on both sides of the family. My parents are divorced (but both remarried) and my father has been very successful and lives what most would consider a lavish life. My mom and in-laws do not have a ton of money in comparison, although both are comfortable enough.

Both my in-laws and mom gave my son a very generous financial gift for his Bar Mitzvah, which will be saved for him to use after college. My dad, in comparison, gave him a pair of monogrammed cuff links that are nice but maybe cost $400. His parents, my grandparents, gave me $1,800 for my own Bat Mitzvah in the early 90s, and he is well aware of that. We have several friends who gave more than my dad did.

I can’t help but feel annoyed and insulted that he wasn’t more thoughtful with his gift, especially since he knows how helpful the money I had saved from my own Bat Mitzvah was for me post-college when I moved to a new city and made no money. This is the same person who told me he got a new suit for the Bar Mitzvah and couldn’t believe a nice suit costs $5,000 these days (obviously you can get a suit for much less). We also hosted him and my step-mom for a full weekend which included multiple meals he didn’t have to play a dime for, and we most definitely spent more on him than that.

Do I say something without coming off as obnoxious/spoiled/greedy? Would this bother others?

Jesus Christ, you’re embodying every nasty stereotype about Jews with this. You ungrateful, entitled witch.

uh, but using JC as a curse word is fine?

[Anonymous]

I hope you reread this and realize how entitled you sound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the cuff links, Dad! Your grandson thinks they're very cool. He'll be writing a proper thank you note soon. Tell me when you're mailing your check, so I can look for it. DS wants Venmo, but a check is probably more secure.

^ Just blah blah to package the fact that you're still expecting a monetary contribution.

With that kind of a father, OP, you either don't expect anything, or you find ways to wheedle money out of him. He's not the giving sort. Personally, I suggest you trying wheedling first, to see if it works. He's a selfish arse, so it's not as if you've got any meaningful relationship to lose.

I agree with this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the perspectives. I agree there is probably nothing I can say that will make any different and won’t come off the wrong way.

A couple things to add - in the Jewish religion it is customary to give money as the gift for a Mitzvah, no matter how big or small, not a physical gift. I have not at all soured the gift for my son, who frankly isn’t excited about cuff link yet but I know they will be a meaningful gift when he is older. I don’t know the exact dollar amount they cost, but that was an estimate based on the fancy store they came from.

In terms of my dad not remembering what others gave me, sure he may not remember dollar amounts, but he was not a passive bystander. He took all the money and invested it for years until I graduated from college, and when I did graduate and moved to NYC he made a big show of giving me a check and telling me I was cut off financially but could use that money to supplement my income, which was very necessary since I made like $25,000 a year and couldn’t cover my rent without it. He had basically doubled the money from investing it and was very proud of that fact. So for that reason I find it hard to imagine he forgot all of that along with the lesson of learning to be financially independent/responsible.

I suggest this only based on the traditions you have described-- I don't have a milestone or family tradition that would bring about the expectation of any kind of large cash gift. What if you were to tell your dad you wanted to continue the tradition his dad created. Remind dad that his dad gave $1800 to you, which your dad then invested for you until you needed it as an adult. Ask him directly to continue this tradition by putting at least that much into an account in son's name that you will manage and invest for your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a clear indication that you should not count on any sort of inheritance from your dad. It will all go to your stepmom (and to her family). Get used to the idea.

This happened to my husband's mother. 2nd wife had the will changed to completely leave out her husband's bio children and grandchildren. He was not mentally incompetent so it could not be overturned.

2nd wife cannot do that. Your FIL did that….seems for good reason.

[Anonymous]

This is a harbinger of the future. Don’t expect any graduation or wedding gifts for your children and most certainly not an inheritance from your father. He’s moved on with his new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a clear indication that you should not count on any sort of inheritance from your dad. It will all go to your stepmom (and to her family). Get used to the idea.

This happened to my husband's mother. 2nd wife had the will changed to completely leave out her husband's bio children and grandchildren. He was not mentally incompetent so it could not be overturned.

2nd wife cannot do that. Your FIL did that….seems for good reason.

Looks like a second wife got triggered.