Disappointment over milestone gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son recently had his Bar Mitzvah and all of our family was in attendance. This is an important milestone on both sides of the family. My parents are divorced (but both remarried) and my father has been very successful and lives what most would consider a lavish life. My mom and in-laws do not have a ton of money in comparison, although both are comfortable enough.

Both my in-laws and mom gave my son a very generous financial gift for his Bar Mitzvah, which will be saved for him to use after college. My dad, in comparison, gave him a pair of monogrammed cuff links that are nice but maybe cost $400. His parents, my grandparents, gave me $1,800 for my own Bat Mitzvah in the early 90s, and he is well aware of that. We have several friends who gave more than my dad did.

I can’t help but feel annoyed and insulted that he wasn’t more thoughtful with his gift, especially since he knows how helpful the money I had saved from my own Bat Mitzvah was for me post-college when I moved to a new city and made no money. This is the same person who told me he got a new suit for the Bar Mitzvah and couldn’t believe a nice suit costs $5,000 these days (obviously you can get a suit for much less). We also hosted him and my step-mom for a full weekend which included multiple meals he didn’t have to play a dime for, and we most definitely spent more on him than that.

Do I say something without coming off as obnoxious/spoiled/greedy? Would this bother others?

Jesus Christ, you’re embodying every nasty stereotype about Jews with this. You ungrateful, entitled witch.

uh, but using JC as a curse word is fine?

Sure - why not?

[Anonymous]

There is no way this is real. No one could think for a second that it was OK to bring this up.

OP is a troll trying to malign Jews by leaning into antisemitic stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for all the perspectives. I agree there is probably nothing I can say that will make any different and won’t come off the wrong way.

A couple things to add - in the Jewish religion it is customary to give money as the gift for a Mitzvah, no matter how big or small, not a physical gift. I have not at all soured the gift for my son, who frankly isn’t excited about cuff link yet but I know they will be a meaningful gift when he is older. I don’t know the exact dollar amount they cost, but that was an estimate based on the fancy store they came from.

In terms of my dad not remembering what others gave me, sure he may not remember dollar amounts, but he was not a passive bystander. He took all the money and invested it for years until I graduated from college, and when I did graduate and moved to NYC he made a big show of giving me a check and telling me I was cut off financially but could use that money to supplement my income, which was very necessary since I made like $25,000 a year and couldn’t cover my rent without it. He had basically doubled the money from investing it and was very proud of that fact. So for that reason I find it hard to imagine he forgot all of that along with the lesson of learning to be financially independent/responsible.

Not true. Many people give physical gifts. DD had her mitzvah last year and got a lot of jewelry and other “stuff” in addition to money.

[Anonymous]

Have you heard the expression “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be grateful and move on. Don’t have your son turn out greedy…like you. Good grief.

+1. This is so gross. I thought a bar mitzvah was a religious rite not a money grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way this is real. No one could think for a second that it was OK to bring this up.

OP is a troll trying to malign Jews by leaning into antisemitic stereotypes.

And all the posters siding with OP??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way this is real. No one could think for a second that it was OK to bring this up.

OP is a troll trying to malign Jews by leaning into antisemitic stereotypes.

And all the posters siding with OP??

I did, because money is rarely just money when it comes to family. It sounds like op does not like her dad's new wife and it's affected her relationship with her dad beyond this event. And in this case money - since this is a wealthy man who even brags about his own purchases to her - not spent on her ds kind of reveals where op and her family stand: pretty low on the order of priorities compared to her dad's new family and himself. Either that or he is completely clueless about how it feels to op which is also a possibility. So either way, she is hurt by it. I don't think these are illegitimate or necessarily materialistic feelings. Can she do something about it? No, probably not other than maybe adjust her expectations about the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I live this life too. My father and his wife take lavish trips, brag about how much money they spend and then stiff my kids, nieces and nephews. I have not received a gift in years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son recently had his Bar Mitzvah and all of our family was in attendance. This is an important milestone on both sides of the family. My parents are divorced (but both remarried) and my father has been very successful and lives what most would consider a lavish life. My mom and in-laws do not have a ton of money in comparison, although both are comfortable enough.

Both my in-laws and mom gave my son a very generous financial gift for his Bar Mitzvah, which will be saved for him to use after college. My dad, in comparison, gave him a pair of monogrammed cuff links that are nice but maybe cost $400. His parents, my grandparents, gave me $1,800 for my own Bat Mitzvah in the early 90s, and he is well aware of that. We have several friends who gave more than my dad did.

I can’t help but feel annoyed and insulted that he wasn’t more thoughtful with his gift, especially since he knows how helpful the money I had saved from my own Bat Mitzvah was for me post-college when I moved to a new city and made no money. This is the same person who told me he got a new suit for the Bar Mitzvah and couldn’t believe a nice suit costs $5,000 these days (obviously you can get a suit for much less). We also hosted him and my step-mom for a full weekend which included multiple meals he didn’t have to play a dime for, and we most definitely spent more on him than that.

Do I say something without coming off as obnoxious/spoiled/greedy? Would this bother others?

They already know that you are both rapacious and avaricious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way this is real. No one could think for a second that it was OK to bring this up.

OP is a troll trying to malign Jews by leaning into antisemitic stereotypes.

Is OP also every other person responding, suggesting things like scaling back visits and sending texts saying “thanks for the cufflinks, we’ll be looking out for the check”?

This thread is wild. I absolutely believe OP could be a troll, but it’s not even the original post that is the wildest thing about this thread, it’s the responses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live this life too. My father and his wife take lavish trips, brag about how much money they spend and then stiff my kids, nieces and nephews. I have not received a gift in years

Make your own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be grateful and move on. Don’t have your son turn out greedy…like you. Good grief.

+1. This is so gross. I thought a bar mitzvah was a religious rite not a money grab.[/quote]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live this life too. My father and his wife take lavish trips, brag about how much money they spend and then stiff my kids, nieces and nephews. I have not received a gift in years

Since when are parents obligated to spend their money on you? Some of you are just greedy.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is so gross. Teach your child to be grateful for whatever people choose to give him, and maybe teach yourself while you’re at it.

Your parents owe adult you (and especially your children) absolutely nothing. Their money is theirs to spend as they please. The idea that he owes your child money because his parents gave you money is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are SO greedy. You son got two monetary gifts, which is also what you got (unless your parents were divorced but it doesn’t sound like it). As long as he’s treating all grandchildren equally that’s totally legitimate. I can’t imagine being annoyed by only getting $400 cuff links.

Most people don’t even get this money, there is no equivalent in many cultures. They might get some financial help when they get married. For god sake.

This reminds me of a woman I worked with who invited my husband and I to her son's Bar mitzvah. This was a few years ago and we gave a check for $100. In her thank you note she thanked us for the $100 and said that most people had given $500 but all gifts were appreciated. I always wondered if she thought she had guilted me into giving her a check for $400. She didn't and I didn't.