Tension with Wife's Family over Finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

That’s not how debt works. Jesus, I would hate you too.

Yes, did you also inform the mortgage company, car payment place, and credit card that you would cease making payments after marriage? I hate to say it, but you sound like a dick.

“We shouldn’t split the bill because you ordered something more expensive than me?” You are not some poor 21 year old. When you are established and well off, you don’t complain about splitting restaurant bills, it is pathetic.

This. For the first part of the post, I was prepared to side with OP, but then it really went sideways. His complaints appear to be that:

- His FIL made an arrangement with his wife re financing her education that OP didn't like, and so he reneged on it when they married. That's a complaint that the FIL should have, not OP.
- His FIL doesn't pay for him when they vacation and or eat at expensive restaurants.

In the immortal words of Cameron, "Pardon my French, but you're an a$$hole!"

The key part of this is the FIL insists on the expensive restaurants and trips and gets mad if OP and wife decline. Keep declining/suggesting alternatives and let them get mad. Get separate checks when you do go to the expensive place.

And I agree with PP that the dad's agreement re the loan was unfair to start with. They could afford to pay for the school. If they didn't want to, they should have been clear about the budget and made her pick a lower cost school vs keeping her under their thumb for the rest of her life with this "loan." Or made her contribute during school from her own work (maybe this did happen.)

[Anonymous]

Lmao ok look I have another take. if her parents really cared about getting the money back for college, they would’ve documented it and made her sign it formally alongside a payment plan. At the same time, they probably would’ve agreed to pause the loan if she was a student again. I think it’s right that OP shouldn’t have to pay back this “loan” (which for all intents and purposes is really just a lesson in debt management), and the wife should just work it out with her parents without OP’s involvement or money.

I don’t see OP’s point about subsidizing though. You’re paying your own way for your own things on vacations. You have the option not to go. If the ILs complain you could be really blunt: we can’t currently afford it unless you pay for our flights and hotels.

For restaurants, you could lean in and force your FIL to itemize and not split 50/50 if you think it’s very unfair or lopsided.

[Anonymous]

You should agree to do some things with them even if they aren't "worth it". Those are the concessions you make to be part of an in-law family. You cannot have everything your preferred way.

This. Op, you know nothing else but wealth, but these conflicts of having a different outlook on money, is very common. Common between families up and down the economic ladder. You have to get along with what you've married into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lmao ok look I have another take. if her parents really cared about getting the money back for college, they would’ve documented it and made her sign it formally alongside a payment plan. At the same time, they probably would’ve agreed to pause the loan if she was a student again. I think it’s right that OP shouldn’t have to pay back this “loan” (which for all intents and purposes is really just a lesson in debt management), and the wife should just work it out with her parents without OP’s involvement or money.

I don’t see OP’s point about subsidizing though. You’re paying your own way for your own things on vacations. You have the option not to go. If the ILs complain you could be really blunt: we can’t currently afford it unless you pay for our flights and hotels.

For restaurants, you could lean in and force your FIL to itemize and not split 50/50 if you think it’s very unfair or lopsided.

What do you think forcing someone to sign something like that does? Are they going to take her to court and sue her?

[Anonymous]

Did you meet your wife at that private college?

[Anonymous]

Ehhh. You can’t expect your IL’s to move the way you do around money.

As an adult you decline the fancy $$ vacays & dinner invites.

Your wife isn’t a baby .. she’s now married. She needs to stop feeling caught in the middle and do something about it. She needs to use her words and speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

did you know she had to pay back the loan before you married her? If yes, then you took on the loan, too.

FIL sounds annoying but I can understand where he's coming from. He built his wealth with his blood, sweat and tears. You and your father inherited your wealth. In his opinion, you can afford going out with her side of the family and pay for your share. You helping your family with the wealth you inherited means your parents are subsidizing you and your family. Doesn't "your family" include her side of the family?

It's a different mindset.

But, yea, as a PP said, stop going out when he invites you. So what if he gets upset with you? He's already upset you with about finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are wealthy and entitled.

That was my take away as well. Why are you looking at everything through the lense of my mommy and daddy paid for that. You are a big boy now and I assume that you make a decent living? The money that your parents gave you was an incredible gift. Your father-in-law sounds like a dick - but he isn't taking from your mommy and daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

That’s not how debt works. Jesus, I would hate you too.

Yes, did you also inform the mortgage company, car payment place, and credit card that you would cease making payments after marriage? I hate to say it, but you sound like a dick.

“We shouldn’t split the bill because you ordered something more expensive than me?” You are not some poor 21 year old. When you are established and well off, you don’t complain about splitting restaurant bills, it is pathetic.

+ 1
For rich folks you sound poor. Penny pinching and nagging about meals loans and BS

This marriage def won’t last long and $$$ will be the reason why.

Ick!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

That’s not how debt works. Jesus, I would hate you too.

Yes, did you also inform the mortgage company, car payment place, and credit card that you would cease making payments after marriage? I hate to say it, but you sound like a dick.

“We shouldn’t split the bill because you ordered something more expensive than me?” You are not some poor 21 year old. When you are established and well off, you don’t complain about splitting restaurant bills, it is pathetic.

This. For the first part of the post, I was prepared to side with OP, but then it really went sideways. His complaints appear to be that:

- His FIL made an arrangement with his wife re financing her education that OP didn't like, and so he reneged on it when they married. That's a complaint that the FIL should have, not OP.
- His FIL doesn't pay for him when they vacation and or eat at expensive restaurants.

In the immortal words of Cameron, "Pardon my French, but you're an a$$hole!"

The key part of this is the FIL insists on the expensive restaurants and trips and gets mad if OP and wife decline. Keep declining/suggesting alternatives and let them get mad. Get separate checks when you do go to the expensive place.

And I agree with PP that the dad's agreement re the loan was unfair to start with. They could afford to pay for the school. If they didn't want to, they should have been clear about the budget and made her pick a lower cost school vs keeping her under their thumb for the rest of her life with this "loan." Or made her contribute during school from her own work (maybe this did happen.)

Disagree about the loans. Just because they can afford it, doesn't mean that she shouldn't have some skin in the game. OP must've known that she had to pay back the loan. The way FIL sees it, even if she's gone back to school, she can still afford to pay it back since her other half can afford it. FIL is seeing them as one unit, as it should be.

Unless you agreed up front or have a prenup about not taking on your spouse's debt, it does become your problem.

My spouse had a vacation house before we got together that they were paying the mortgage on. After we bought a house together and got married, our combined finances paid for that vacation home. They could not afford two mortgages. I knew that going into it even though I didn't like it (we did eventually sell it because I really did not want two mortgages).

[Anonymous]

Your FIL does not need to cover your vacation expenses, but you also shouldn’t feel obligated to join expensive vacations or dinner outings if you don’t want to spend your money that way. Suggest something that’s more in line with what you would normally do, so you don’t feel put out about the costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

did you know she had to pay back the loan before you married her? If yes, then you took on the loan, too.

FIL sounds annoying but I can understand where he's coming from. He built his wealth with his blood, sweat and tears. You and your father inherited your wealth. In his opinion, you can afford going out with her side of the family and pay for your share. You helping your family with the wealth you inherited means your parents are subsidizing you and your family. Doesn't "your family" include her side of the family?

It's a different mindset.

But, yea, as a PP said, stop going out when he invites you. So what if he gets upset with you? He's already upset you with about finances.

Unless they got married as freshmen in college, she should have known she had a loan waaay before that. Way too late to tell your kid after the fact that they needed to pay you back, unless there were some extenuating financial circumstances. Which doesn't sound like the case.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, grow up, OP. Just say no. No, you aren’t going. No, you aren’t paying. Hasn’t anyone ever said “no” to you?

And you and your FIL both sound incredibly paternalistic. Where are the women in your families? Are they just supposed to go along with whatever you say? You and your FIL have a lot more in common than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You told your father-in-law that your wife wouldn’t be paying back a family loan? No wonder he’s pissed.

OP here. She would not be paying it back with marital income. Since she is now back in school and not earning income that means that I would not be making payments on it with my income.

That’s not how debt works. Jesus, I would hate you too.

Yes, did you also inform the mortgage company, car payment place, and credit card that you would cease making payments after marriage? I hate to say it, but you sound like a dick.

“We shouldn’t split the bill because you ordered something more expensive than me?” You are not some poor 21 year old. When you are established and well off, you don’t complain about splitting restaurant bills, it is pathetic.

This. For the first part of the post, I was prepared to side with OP, but then it really went sideways. His complaints appear to be that:

- His FIL made an arrangement with his wife re financing her education that OP didn't like, and so he reneged on it when they married. That's a complaint that the FIL should have, not OP.
- His FIL doesn't pay for him when they vacation and or eat at expensive restaurants.

In the immortal words of Cameron, "Pardon my French, but you're an a$$hole!"

The key part of this is the FIL insists on the expensive restaurants and trips and gets mad if OP and wife decline. Keep declining/suggesting alternatives and let them get mad. Get separate checks when you do go to the expensive place.

And I agree with PP that the dad's agreement re the loan was unfair to start with. They could afford to pay for the school. If they didn't want to, they should have been clear about the budget and made her pick a lower cost school vs keeping her under their thumb for the rest of her life with this "loan." Or made her contribute during school from her own work (maybe this did happen.)

Disagree about the loans. Just because they can afford it, doesn't mean that she shouldn't have some skin in the game. OP must've known that she had to pay back the loan. The way FIL sees it, even if she's gone back to school, she can still afford to pay it back since her other half can afford it. FIL is seeing them as one unit, as it should be.

Unless you agreed up front or have a prenup about not taking on your spouse's debt, it does become your problem.

My spouse had a vacation house before we got together that they were paying the mortgage on. After we bought a house together and got married, our combined finances paid for that vacation home. They could not afford two mortgages. I knew that going into it even though I didn't like it (we did eventually sell it because I really did not want two mortgages).

The debt is not legally binding, so no, OP did not take on the debt when he married her. Sure seems that FIL sees it that way but what's he going to do, take them to court? lol.

[Anonymous]

Where is the wife in all this? Does she have no agency?

I pity her, as the husband sounds horrendous and her parents pretty miserable too. But at least she is rich and can focus on charity…