It's All on Me Because DH Never Sees a Problem

[Anonymous]

Are. You. A. SAHP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband needs to report the hit and run accident to your insurance company.

Not you.

Omg no, if its a dent to the fender that is not mechanically unsound, you pay out of pocket or live with it. Calling insurance will make rates rise.

-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH came in this morning and told me someone hit our car. He has no idea who, or when. The car was perfectly fine when he left this morning. It was perfectly fine when he parked it yesterday afternoon. He only noticed it when he came out of his morning appointment, but "who knows when it happened." Since the car door opens he says, oh well, there is nothing to be done about it, not worth calling insurance over or asking neighbors if they have doorcams, or the office he was at this morning. This is classic DH. There is a problem. He does nothing to fix it.

What would you do 1) about the car and 2) with a DH who generally claims things aren't a problem so if it's such a big deal to me then I have to do something. We're talking very basic stuff like cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once every two months (we have children!), fresh fruits and vegetables (on the rare occasion he cooks, never any vegetables even though they are in the refrigerator), activities for kids (aside from 1 week of scout camp he thinks the kids should just "find something to do.") I don't put them in camps all summer but I do take them places, mostly free, but occasionally there is a fee for a water park or something. And then he complains it is unnecessary. He thinks I'm "making work" for myself and creating unnecessary expenses (we can easily afford the things I do with the kids).

I feel like he's constantly adding to my "To Do List" because I'm cleaning up behind him and finishing what he leaves undone, while he spends developing new skills and on his hobbies. I have no free time because he leaves things undone or refuses to do anything and says if I care so much its on me to do something. I'm so frustrated. And now I have to figure out this car dent too, or drive around a banged-up car.

JFC do you hear yourself? He’s not adding ANYTHING to your list - YOU ARE!

He doesn’t expect you to solve the mystery of the door dent! YOU DO!

I agree with this. I scraped up my new car last year and was so upset, and DH was like "no biggie." I can't imagine if the roles were reversed on this board. I'm glad we each give each other leeway.

Why don't couples have systems? Our system was always I deal with my car, he deals with his, even when I was a SAHM. Who makes dinner? Who buys kids clothes? It's exhausting to make decisions every damn day and try to negotiate with a spouse. Negotiate over a glass of wine, then decide once. You wouldn't act like this at work.

DH doesn't act like this at work where he is very proactive, solution oriented, and likes to figure out how to solve problems. He sees himself as a problem solver. At home, he is all "I have no idea what to do about a dented car. I didn't see who did it so there is no possible way to figure it out. I'm not calling insurance. I'm not getting an estimate. We now have a dented car. Nothing to be done."

He’s not refusing to solve a problem, though. He simply doesn’t think there is a problem to be solved, here. And that’s okay!

You sound like one of those absolute energy vampires at work, making mountains out of molehills rather than focusing on stuff that actually matters. That behavior is the opposite of productive.

He is literally doing nothing and telling me there is nothing that can be done.

Accurate. What’s your point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know about the car and ask around for footage. I also don't trust he didn't do it.

But he sounds generally lazy and my DH does crap like this so he doesn't have "more" work to do but it's just lazy. I can't deal with it much anymore along with other things don't think this is going to last.

You sound insane.

+500

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH came in this morning and told me someone hit our car. He has no idea who, or when. The car was perfectly fine when he left this morning. It was perfectly fine when he parked it yesterday afternoon. He only noticed it when he came out of his morning appointment, but "who knows when it happened." Since the car door opens he says, oh well, there is nothing to be done about it, not worth calling insurance over or asking neighbors if they have doorcams, or the office he was at this morning. This is classic DH. There is a problem. He does nothing to fix it.

What would you do 1) about the car and 2) with a DH who generally claims things aren't a problem so if it's such a big deal to me then I have to do something. We're talking very basic stuff like cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once every two months (we have children!), fresh fruits and vegetables (on the rare occasion he cooks, never any vegetables even though they are in the refrigerator), activities for kids (aside from 1 week of scout camp he thinks the kids should just "find something to do.") I don't put them in camps all summer but I do take them places, mostly free, but occasionally there is a fee for a water park or something. And then he complains it is unnecessary. He thinks I'm "making work" for myself and creating unnecessary expenses (we can easily afford the things I do with the kids).

I feel like he's constantly adding to my "To Do List" because I'm cleaning up behind him and finishing what he leaves undone, while he spends developing new skills and on his hobbies. I have no free time because he leaves things undone or refuses to do anything and says if I care so much its on me to do something. I'm so frustrated. And now I have to figure out this car dent too, or drive around a banged-up car.

Is money tight? He probably doesn’t want to pay the copay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these posts are so stupid. Hit and run is a crime that can be prosecuted. And also OP can civilly sue as well. There are things that can be done. Do people do these all the time probably not. But there are options.

Put a value on your time... literal $. The cost to this (both real costs and $ from your time) FAR outweighs the benefit here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're too in the weeds. He's too hands-off. You probably got like this because you both react to each other.

BINGO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:JFC do you hear yourself? He’s not adding ANYTHING to your list - YOU ARE!

He doesn’t expect you to solve the mystery of the door dent! YOU DO!

OP should read this reaction again and again and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP based on your last two replies, why don't you sit him down like you would a colleague and come up with solutions. You have to do it when you're not mad, and not going to blame him. You wouldn't respond well to someone who did that either. Don't be a boss, be a lateral.

If you want to come with a proposal, come at it with data. Cost, how it fits into budget, priorities. Can you fit a regular date night in? GL!

I don't understand. If DH were a colleague I would do my work. He would do his work. The final product would show my contributions and lack of his. A boss would notice and give appropriate feedback/promotion. How does that apply here?

Okay, since you have no imagination rn...think about a joint project in school, how did you decide to divide it? Do that.

Or, just divorce.

Up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP based on your last two replies, why don't you sit him down like you would a colleague and come up with solutions. You have to do it when you're not mad, and not going to blame him. You wouldn't respond well to someone who did that either. Don't be a boss, be a lateral.

If you want to come with a proposal, come at it with data. Cost, how it fits into budget, priorities. Can you fit a regular date night in? GL!

I don't understand. If DH were a colleague I would do my work. He would do his work. The final product would show my contributions and lack of his. A boss would notice and give appropriate feedback/promotion. How does that apply here?

Okay, since you have no imagination rn...think about a joint project in school, how did you decide to divide it? Do that.

Or, just divorce.

Up to you.

It seems like marriage is different. For a school project, if someone freeloads off the rest of the team, that person isn't invited to join the group for the next project. At work, there is someone (a boss) in a position of authority over the two colleagues, who needs to be pleased. Marriage isn't like either of those scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. If DH were a colleague I would do my work. He would do his work. The final product would show my contributions and lack of his. A boss would notice and give appropriate feedback/promotion. How does that apply here?

I actually am a boss at a big company with a big team, so here’s the feedback you say you want. “Your work” isn’t a universal standard. It’s reading like a list of things you’ve decided matter, and not everyone (your husband) agrees they do. Hunting down video evidence for a minor dent is not automatically a deliverable (a to-do). If you were on my team, telling me you had no bandwidth ("I have no free time") while adding optional tasks like that, I’d coach you on prioritization, not validate the overwhelm.

Same with the cooking. You don’t get to say you want help and then dock points because he didn’t use vegetables the way you would have. That’s not collaboration, that’s moving the goalposts. At work, that doesn't get you far.

Align on what actually counts as “the job.” Right now, you’re grading him on YOUR standards. That's not how it works, either at work or at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like marriage is different. For a school project, if someone freeloads off the rest of the team, that person isn't invited to join the group for the next project. At work, there is someone (a boss) in a position of authority over the two colleagues, who needs to be pleased. Marriage isn't like either of those scenarios.

Marriage isn’t a group project, and it isn’t a performance review. You are correct that there’s no teacher, no boss, no quarterly rating system in marriage. Which means you don’t get to fire him from the team, and you also don’t get to unilaterally define the rubric, either.

Right now, you’re acting like there’s an objective scoreboard and he’s failing. The problem is, you’re the one writing the criteria. If you two haven’t agreed on what “good enough” looks like for chores, dents, camps, and vegetables, then of course you feel like he’s freeloading. He probably feels like you keep adding extra assignments that no one asked for.

Marriage is two adults negotiating shared standards, not one adult assigning grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like marriage is different. For a school project, if someone freeloads off the rest of the team, that person isn't invited to join the group for the next project. At work, there is someone (a boss) in a position of authority over the two colleagues, who needs to be pleased. Marriage isn't like either of those scenarios.

Marriage isn’t a group project, and it isn’t a performance review. You are correct that there’s no teacher, no boss, no quarterly rating system in marriage. Which means you don’t get to fire him from the team, and you also don’t get to unilaterally define the rubric, either.

Right now, you’re acting like there’s an objective scoreboard and he’s failing. The problem is, you’re the one writing the criteria. If you two haven’t agreed on what “good enough” looks like for chores, dents, camps, and vegetables, then of course you feel like he’s freeloading. He probably feels like you keep adding extra assignments that no one asked for.

Marriage is two adults negotiating shared standards, not one adult assigning grades.

Agreed but his standard is to drive a car with a dent.
His standard is ghetto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed, but his standard is to drive a car with a dent.
His standard is ghetto.

If this was OP replying, this is the crux of your issue. You are convinced your standards are the right ones, and DH is wrong. What if your standards are too much? It sounds to me like you are making everything too much. The car. Camps. Cooking dinner. Cleaning. 100000 more things, I'm certain. If EVERY part of your life, or every "to do" feels like this to DH, I get why he's annoyed. I am too, because I can see that you don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed, but his standard is to drive a car with a dent.
His standard is ghetto.

If this was OP replying, this is the crux of your issue. You are convinced your standards are the right ones, and DH is wrong. What if your standards are too much? It sounds to me like you are making everything too much. The car. Camps. Cooking dinner. Cleaning. 100000 more things, I'm certain. If EVERY part of your life, or every "to do" feels like this to DH, I get why he's annoyed. I am too, because I can see that you don't get it.

This was not op replying.