It's All on Me Because DH Never Sees a Problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH came in this morning and told me someone hit our car. He has no idea who, or when. The car was perfectly fine when he left this morning. It was perfectly fine when he parked it yesterday afternoon. He only noticed it when he came out of his morning appointment, but "who knows when it happened." Since the car door opens he says, oh well, there is nothing to be done about it, not worth calling insurance over or asking neighbors if they have doorcams, or the office he was at this morning. This is classic DH. There is a problem. He does nothing to fix it.

What would you do 1) about the car and 2) with a DH who generally claims things aren't a problem so if it's such a big deal to me then I have to do something. We're talking very basic stuff like cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once every two months (we have children!), fresh fruits and vegetables (on the rare occasion he cooks, never any vegetables even though they are in the refrigerator), activities for kids (aside from 1 week of scout camp he thinks the kids should just "find something to do.") I don't put them in camps all summer but I do take them places, mostly free, but occasionally there is a fee for a water park or something. And then he complains it is unnecessary. He thinks I'm "making work" for myself and creating unnecessary expenses (we can easily afford the things I do with the kids).

I feel like he's constantly adding to my "To Do List" because I'm cleaning up behind him and finishing what he leaves undone, while he spends developing new skills and on his hobbies. I have no free time because he leaves things undone or refuses to do anything and says if I care so much its on me to do something. I'm so frustrated. And now I have to figure out this car dent too, or drive around a banged-up car.

JFC do you hear yourself? He’s not adding ANYTHING to your list - YOU ARE!

He doesn’t expect you to solve the mystery of the door dent! YOU DO!

I agree with this. I scraped up my new car last year and was so upset, and DH was like "no biggie." I can't imagine if the roles were reversed on this board. I'm glad we each give each other leeway.

Why don't couples have systems? Our system was always I deal with my car, he deals with his, even when I was a SAHM. Who makes dinner? Who buys kids clothes? It's exhausting to make decisions every damn day and try to negotiate with a spouse. Negotiate over a glass of wine, then decide once. You wouldn't act like this at work.

DH doesn't act like this at work where he is very proactive, solution oriented, and likes to figure out how to solve problems. He sees himself as a problem solver. At home, he is all "I have no idea what to do about a dented car. I didn't see who did it so there is no possible way to figure it out. I'm not calling insurance. I'm not getting an estimate. We now have a dented car. Nothing to be done."

He’s not refusing to solve a problem, though. He simply doesn’t think there is a problem to be solved, here. And that’s okay!

You sound like one of those absolute energy vampires at work, making mountains out of molehills rather than focusing on stuff that actually matters. That behavior is the opposite of productive.

He is literally doing nothing and telling me there is nothing that can be done.

And that's lying and gas lighting!

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know about the car and ask around for footage. I also don't trust he didn't do it.

But he sounds generally lazy and my DH does crap like this so he doesn't have "more" work to do but it's just lazy. I can't deal with it much anymore along with other things don't think this is going to last.

+1 its suspicious he discovered this after using it and then doesn't want video of it and won't call insurance. Hmm 🤔

[Anonymous]

The fair play book and cards worked wonders for our marriage. Might give them a try?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fair play book and cards worked wonders for our marriage. Might give them a try?

Non-sarcastic and sincere question: how did you get someone like this to read the book and engage with the cards? Mine was all for Fair Play when I described it, but then it turned into “why should we both read it if you can just read it and summarize it for me?” And “can’t you just take what you like and I’ll do whatever is left?”. Spoiler alert: he did not do whatever was left. Instead, he eventually left.