It's All on Me Because DH Never Sees a Problem

[Anonymous]

I mean… some of this sounds less like “he does nothing” and more like “he doesn’t do it the way I would.” He cooks, just not the way you want. The kids aren’t feral. The car still functions. Not every dent requires CSI Suburbia to get on the case with video evidence. And he's right about not involving insurance... why call State Farm so your premium can jump $600 over a $900 repair? That's silly.

If you’re focused on filling every summer day with (even local or low-cost) experiences for your kids and then raging that you have no time to scrub the bathroom or for yourself, I think what he's trying to tell you is that you can stop trying to do everything at once, and you can stop some of this stuff. The kids don't always need to be entertained or enriched! (Pro tip: offer them an activity once the bathroom is cleaned, and they get to help you!)

Yes, he should step up on shared adult stuff like getting the car fixed. But you also might want to separate actual neglect from “not my standard.” Otherwise, you’re going to keep building a to-do list just to resent him for not meeting your standards for how you want things to be or to be done.

[Anonymous]

You two need marital counseling. Meanwhile just do what's necessary and be easy going to juggle life. Obviously divorce is an option as well but an extreme and expensive one.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP.

You're not alone. Though I'm not sure mine would have even noticed the car damage.

[Anonymous]

Kids would benefit more from a low resentment home than a perfectly decorated and maintained home and a activity filled roster for summer. Make life easier and pleasant for all, specially yourself. Take time out of perfect housekeeping for self care so you two can be healthy people, parents and professionals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH came in this morning and told me someone hit our car. He has no idea who, or when. The car was perfectly fine when he left this morning. It was perfectly fine when he parked it yesterday afternoon. He only noticed it when he came out of his morning appointment, but "who knows when it happened." Since the car door opens he says, oh well, there is nothing to be done about it, not worth calling insurance over or asking neighbors if they have doorcams, or the office he was at this morning. This is classic DH. There is a problem. He does nothing to fix it.

What would you do 1) about the car and 2) with a DH who generally claims things aren't a problem so if it's such a big deal to me then I have to do something. We're talking very basic stuff like cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once every two months (we have children!), fresh fruits and vegetables (on the rare occasion he cooks, never any vegetables even though they are in the refrigerator), activities for kids (aside from 1 week of scout camp he thinks the kids should just "find something to do.") I don't put them in camps all summer but I do take them places, mostly free, but occasionally there is a fee for a water park or something. And then he complains it is unnecessary. He thinks I'm "making work" for myself and creating unnecessary expenses (we can easily afford the things I do with the kids).

I feel like he's constantly adding to my "To Do List" because I'm cleaning up behind him and finishing what he leaves undone, while he spends developing new skills and on his hobbies. I have no free time because he leaves things undone or refuses to do anything and says if I care so much its on me to do something. I'm so frustrated. And now I have to figure out this car dent too, or drive around a banged-up car.

JFC do you hear yourself? He’s not adding ANYTHING to your list - YOU ARE!

He doesn’t expect you to solve the mystery of the door dent! YOU DO!

[Anonymous]

I would want to know about the car and ask around for footage. I also don't trust he didn't do it.

But he sounds generally lazy and my DH does crap like this so he doesn't have "more" work to do but it's just lazy. I can't deal with it much anymore along with other things don't think this is going to last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know about the car and ask around for footage. I also don't trust he didn't do it.

But he sounds generally lazy and my DH does crap like this so he doesn't have "more" work to do but it's just lazy. I can't deal with it much anymore along with other things don't think this is going to last.

You sound insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband needs to report the hit and run accident to your insurance company.

Not you.

+1 He needs to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband needs to report the hit and run accident to your insurance company.

Not you.

Omg no, if its a dent to the fender that is not mechanically unsound, you pay out of pocket or live with it. Calling insurance will make rates rise.

Not true. Putting a claim in, paying your deductible then having them cover the rest would but just letting them document it for their record with no claim doesn't do a thing for your rate but this information helps them. Same with letting the police know.

[Anonymous]

We really need to know if you're a SAHM or if you work, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH came in this morning and told me someone hit our car. He has no idea who, or when. The car was perfectly fine when he left this morning. It was perfectly fine when he parked it yesterday afternoon. He only noticed it when he came out of his morning appointment, but "who knows when it happened." Since the car door opens he says, oh well, there is nothing to be done about it, not worth calling insurance over or asking neighbors if they have doorcams, or the office he was at this morning. This is classic DH. There is a problem. He does nothing to fix it.

What would you do 1) about the car and 2) with a DH who generally claims things aren't a problem so if it's such a big deal to me then I have to do something. We're talking very basic stuff like cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once every two months (we have children!), fresh fruits and vegetables (on the rare occasion he cooks, never any vegetables even though they are in the refrigerator), activities for kids (aside from 1 week of scout camp he thinks the kids should just "find something to do.") I don't put them in camps all summer but I do take them places, mostly free, but occasionally there is a fee for a water park or something. And then he complains it is unnecessary. He thinks I'm "making work" for myself and creating unnecessary expenses (we can easily afford the things I do with the kids).

I feel like he's constantly adding to my "To Do List" because I'm cleaning up behind him and finishing what he leaves undone, while he spends developing new skills and on his hobbies. I have no free time because he leaves things undone or refuses to do anything and says if I care so much its on me to do something. I'm so frustrated. And now I have to figure out this car dent too, or drive around a banged-up car.

If you don’t put kids in camp all summer, who is watching them? Do you work?

If you are a SAHM this is a classic assignment of duties.

As for the car dent, asking neighbors and offices for camera footage is INSANITY. You pay out of pocket, use uninsured motorist insurance, or live with it. You are not Nancy Drew; what are you going to do with footage anyways? Call the FBI?

Some of these posts are so stupid. Hit and run is a crime that can be prosecuted. And also OP can civilly sue as well. There are things that can be done. Do people do these all the time probably not. But there are options.

Some of you have some criminal minds on here. Lot's of criminals on here that must do a lot of hit and runs. These posts are crazy.

[Anonymous]

You're too in the weeds. He's too hands-off. You probably got like this because you both react to each other.

My husband is like yours, and instead of stressing myself out to correct every little thing, I let a ton of stuff slide. I have to. I would drive myself crazy trying to rush around living both our lives. So we muddle through, and we try to focus on the actually important things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're too in the weeds. He's too hands-off. You probably got like this because you both react to each other.

My husband is like yours, and instead of stressing myself out to correct every little thing, I let a ton of stuff slide. I have to. I would drive myself crazy trying to rush around living both our lives. So we muddle through, and we try to focus on the actually important things.

Also meant to add that he clearly has inattentive ADHD going on. He can try meds if he wants. My husband was diagnosed, tried a small dose of stimulants half-heartedly, and declared he didn't like the way they made him feel. So here we are.

[Anonymous]

What kind of damage? Giant dent or scratches? Which side of the car? If you park on the street, could this side of the car have had access to a sideswipe? First, get an estimate before you call the insurance company. Then, subtract your deductible to decide if it’s worth an insurance claim.

[Anonymous]

One more thing. If your DH doesn’t want to be bothered to get an estimate, you should do this on Saturday, leave him with the kids and make sure it takes 6-8 hours. If he calls you wondering why it taking so long, tell him you are waiting in line. Enjoy your day and lunch!