It's All on Me Because DH Never Sees a Problem

[Anonymous]

DH came in this morning and told me someone hit our car. He has no idea who, or when. The car was perfectly fine when he left this morning. It was perfectly fine when he parked it yesterday afternoon. He only noticed it when he came out of his morning appointment, but "who knows when it happened." Since the car door opens he says, oh well, there is nothing to be done about it, not worth calling insurance over or asking neighbors if they have doorcams, or the office he was at this morning. This is classic DH. There is a problem. He does nothing to fix it.

What would you do 1) about the car and 2) with a DH who generally claims things aren't a problem so if it's such a big deal to me then I have to do something. We're talking very basic stuff like cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once every two months (we have children!), fresh fruits and vegetables (on the rare occasion he cooks, never any vegetables even though they are in the refrigerator), activities for kids (aside from 1 week of scout camp he thinks the kids should just "find something to do.") I don't put them in camps all summer but I do take them places, mostly free, but occasionally there is a fee for a water park or something. And then he complains it is unnecessary. He thinks I'm "making work" for myself and creating unnecessary expenses (we can easily afford the things I do with the kids).

I feel like he's constantly adding to my "To Do List" because I'm cleaning up behind him and finishing what he leaves undone, while he spends developing new skills and on his hobbies. I have no free time because he leaves things undone or refuses to do anything and says if I care so much its on me to do something. I'm so frustrated. And now I have to figure out this car dent too, or drive around a banged-up car.

[Anonymous]

This is similar to my dc. He leaves almost everything and then accuses me of nagging him. I wouldn’t if he’d notice things!

[Anonymous]

It's really not worth it to figure out why your car is damaged. I wouldn't either. It'll be a time suck and unlikely to get you any benefit at all.

As for parenting, he's lazy and selfish and sucks. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Most marriages are like this, at least on this board.

[Anonymous]

This is among the reasons I don’t ever want to share a car with my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Two thoughts:

Do you work? If no, seems like the work allocation is fair. If yes, then agree he sucks.

There’s no point in trying to find out who hit your car. He’s absolutely correct you are doing make work for no reason.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad my spouse would not insist on my asking everyone for footage of my parked car.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this. He will "see" a problem, but he won't do anything to address it. We've argued about it for years. He has tried to get better at this and in recent years he has made an effort to take initiative on some things. I see his effort and appreciate it even though I manage like 85% of stuff that happens.

He wasn't as much like this before we had a kid. Some, but not this bad. In fact the first time I noticed this behavior in a way that annoyed me was when our DC was a baby and my DH would simply never notice a dirty diaper. Ever. He started claiming to have a bad sense of smell. Yet he's a good cook. Hmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two thoughts:

Do you work? If no, seems like the work allocation is fair. If yes, then agree he sucks.

There’s no point in trying to find out who hit your car. He’s absolutely correct you are doing make work for no reason.

It's not just about the work allocation. He should appreciate and value the work that she does at home, at least some of it, even if she doesn't have a job. Just like she should appreciate and value him having a job. That's how married people should behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most marriages are like this, at least on this board.

“On this board” being the critical bit.

OP, call your insurance, set up a body shop and time to drop it to be fixed. Tell DH to take it and pick it up. If he doesn’t, take it and uber home and let him figure out how to get his car back.

As for the rest, you’ll have to stop doing whatever is important to him.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to report the hit and run accident to your insurance company.

Not you.

[Anonymous]

Learned helplessness. Only way to “fix” it is to not do the things he cares about. Then *maybe* he’ll start doing things. If the natural consequences of him not stepping up just impact him (and you can mentally let the undone thing go), then that’s his problem. You’ve become his “easy button”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH came in this morning and told me someone hit our car. He has no idea who, or when. The car was perfectly fine when he left this morning. It was perfectly fine when he parked it yesterday afternoon. He only noticed it when he came out of his morning appointment, but "who knows when it happened." Since the car door opens he says, oh well, there is nothing to be done about it, not worth calling insurance over or asking neighbors if they have doorcams, or the office he was at this morning. This is classic DH. There is a problem. He does nothing to fix it.

What would you do 1) about the car and 2) with a DH who generally claims things aren't a problem so if it's such a big deal to me then I have to do something. We're talking very basic stuff like cleaning bathrooms and floors more than once every two months (we have children!), fresh fruits and vegetables (on the rare occasion he cooks, never any vegetables even though they are in the refrigerator), activities for kids (aside from 1 week of scout camp he thinks the kids should just "find something to do.") I don't put them in camps all summer but I do take them places, mostly free, but occasionally there is a fee for a water park or something. And then he complains it is unnecessary. He thinks I'm "making work" for myself and creating unnecessary expenses (we can easily afford the things I do with the kids).

I feel like he's constantly adding to my "To Do List" because I'm cleaning up behind him and finishing what he leaves undone, while he spends developing new skills and on his hobbies. I have no free time because he leaves things undone or refuses to do anything and says if I care so much its on me to do something. I'm so frustrated. And now I have to figure out this car dent too, or drive around a banged-up car.

If you don’t put kids in camp all summer, who is watching them? Do you work?

If you are a SAHM this is a classic assignment of duties.

As for the car dent, asking neighbors and offices for camera footage is INSANITY. You pay out of pocket, use uninsured motorist insurance, or live with it. You are not Nancy Drew; what are you going to do with footage anyways? Call the FBI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most marriages are like this, at least on this board.

“On this board” being the critical bit.

OP, call your insurance, set up a body shop and time to drop it to be fixed. Tell DH to take it and pick it up. If he doesn’t, take it and uber home and let him figure out how to get his car back.

As for the rest, you’ll have to stop doing whatever is important to him.

Most families have two working parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband needs to report the hit and run accident to your insurance company.

Not you.

Omg no, if its a dent to the fender that is not mechanically unsound, you pay out of pocket or live with it. Calling insurance will make rates rise.