breaking up with GF - hid divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this situation and didn’t break up, and we are now married to each other. I don’t refer it one bit. By middle age life gets messy and dating becomes horrible. I wasn’t about to give my now wife up over some drawn out legal stuff. I knew at the time that that she was 100% done with her ex, loved me, and was what I wanted in a wife. I also understood why she lied, because other men might not take her seriously. Their loss. Middle aged dating is hell if you want a partner. I guarantee you the guys who dumped my wife are not better off.

What you should do depends on what you are looking for and how your relationship has otherwise gone. If you want a serious partner and you’ve been really enjoying her then don’t break up.

This is not a good advice. I could understand her not coming clean on first date but then she should have told OP on her own may be by 2nd or 3rd month. Her intentions were not correct and it shows that she could hide things from her partner to make herself look good. Those kind of people are known as narcissists and she would do anything to keep up her image in the future. For me, it is not the lying but the reason behind lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is definitely not okay.

But something stood out to me, OP. It’s okay for your to be divorced but not for your partner to be?

Can you not read?

[Anonymous]

Op here. I was out of town for a few days and didn't meet with her for a break-up conversation in-person. I am planning to do it.

Some of the thoughts mentioned here were also going through my mind and even time and good memories doesn't help. As far as her kids are concerned, she has 2 adult daughters from previous marriage - older one who is going to be 25 soon has a lot of qualities of her mom. She acts in a very similar way like her mom and desperately in need of a relationship. I don't know what level she would go to get and keep a relationship but her behavior is definitely worrisome.

Regardless, very soon, it is not going to be my concern.

[Anonymous]

Op, both mom and daughter are same and apple don't fall far from the tree.

Stay away from these women and protect yourself and your kids. You don't know what else you are getting into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 44M and in relationship with my GF, 43F for about 7-8 months. On the first day, she told me that she was divorced and I didn't care much after that. I am fully divorced for about 8 years. A few things didn't add up and I asked her again recently and she confessed that she is not fully divorced and it is in the process. She just said she was fully divorced on first date otherwise guys don't get interested or serious. This is a serious breach of trust and I am thinking about breaking up with her. I talked to my female cousins and they think it is not a big deal and women do that. Thoughts?

I wonder what else she's lying about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is definitely not okay.

But something stood out to me, OP. It’s okay for your to be divorced but not for your partner to be?

Clearly you can't read because OP said he didnt have a problem with her being divorced because he is divorced as well.

Yeah, he resents her making him an adulterer. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is definitely not okay.

But something stood out to me, OP. It’s okay for your to be divorced but not for your partner to be?

Clearly you can't read because OP said he didnt have a problem with her being divorced because he is divorced as well.

Yeah, he resents her making him an adulterer. I get it.

LOL! You completed missed the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she lies with ease about this, she lies about other things too.

This. Demote to FWB until you find someone else, then cut her loose.

Demote her? Eff all the way off. You'd be an even shittier person than her if you did that.

A decent person would just tell her that you can't forgive the lie and break up. You don't keep sleeping with someone as retribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she lies with ease about this, she lies about other things too.

This. Demote to FWB until you find someone else, then cut her loose.

Demote her? Eff all the way off. You'd be an even shittier person than her if you did that.

A decent person would just tell her that you can't forgive the lie and break up. You don't keep sleeping with someone as retribution.

I agree with this. Looks like OP is confident and he would get someone better soon who is not a liar and he can trust. Intentionally lying about something so important that the whole foundation of relationship depends on it is messed up.

[Anonymous]

You can be divorced mentally without the paperwork ink signed. For me, I'd need to know there's paperwork filed. The rest is just legal logistics. It's all a construct.

[Anonymous]

Dealbreaker. You can’t trust her going forward. She lacks integrity. I’d break up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes divorces linger on forever. Still, I think you need to break up; a relationship without trust isn't worth having. You feel she breached your trust, so move on.

This. It's not a dealbreaker for everyone, but it seems to be a dealbreaker for you.

[Anonymous]

If integrity is important to you, you have to leave low-integrity people the moment you know that's what they are. No second chances, no trying to figure out why. You can have a sit-down with her and ask why she lied if you want clarity/closure, but ultimately the reality is that you caught her in a lie and now you don't trust her.

You can't be a happy, high-integrity person in a relationship with a low-integrity person. They'll always bring you down with their lying and all the behaviors that go along with it (gaslighting, denial, blameshifting, etc.). You've gotta walk.

[Anonymous]

Assume she was separated. I think if she was living separately and going through process, I understand not wanting to talk about it.

I’m married but have a few friends going through divorce. It can take years. My good friend has been trying to get divorced for 3 years and the ex is dragging his feet.

I have a good friend whose daughter is the same as as my child. When I met her, she told me she was divorced. Didn’t think anything of it. About 2 years later, she told me she was finally divorced. She said she didn’t want to talk about the process so she just told everyone she already was divorced. It is probably even more something that you may not want to talk about to someone you may date.

This is very very different than having an affair. Someone really going through divorce is single.

I dunno. I’m still married.

[Anonymous]

In my 20s, I went on a few dates with a guy who lied about his age. He was several years younger than me and he believed that I wouldn’t give him a chance if I knew how young he was. On our last date, we were sharing about our past and I caught several consistencies in his timeline and he confessed. I wasn’t upset with him because he was (mostly) right, but I broke it off because there were other things about him that made us incompatible in the long run (it wasn’t just about his age).

I think her lying to you about her divorce must not be the only thing about her that you are concerned about. Some people may be able to overlook this if the person was a good match, but it sounds like she is not for you.