breaking up with GF - hid divorce

[Anonymous]

It matters the reason she has not completed the process. There are very practical economic reasons to stay legally married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It matters the reason she has not completed the process. There are very practical economic reasons to stay legally married.

My aunt is still married to her ex - because neither of them wanted her to lose her health insurance.

[Anonymous]

She is not a good and moral person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It matters the reason she has not completed the process. There are very practical economic reasons to stay legally married.

But what are the practical reasons for lying about it?

Unless you’re in a state where legal separation is recognized, you’re married or you’re not. Some people are fine dating during that period of separation, but not everyone is comfortable dating someone who is still legally married. Giving someone the chance to decide for themselves is the decent, honest thing to do. There may be a very good reason for delay, which can be explained sooner than later. If it’s a person who deals only in black and white, there’s no point in which covering up one’s still-married status would be okay. As someone who was repeatedly lied to by a cheating spouse, the circumstances would no longer matter after many months of lies. That’s 100% dealbreaker territory.

The circumstances might have mattered if I knew them at the outset (or very soon after).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Assume she was separated. I think if she was living separately and going through process, I understand not wanting to talk about it.

I’m married but have a few friends going through divorce. It can take years. My good friend has been trying to get divorced for 3 years and the ex is dragging his feet.

I have a good friend whose daughter is the same as as my child. When I met her, she told me she was divorced. Didn’t think anything of it. About 2 years later, she told me she was finally divorced. She said she didn’t want to talk about the process so she just told everyone she already was divorced. It is probably even more something that you may not want to talk about to someone you may date.

This is very very different than having an affair. Someone really going through divorce is single.

I dunno. I’m still married.

No. Someone divorced is single. Someone going through a divorce is still married. And married people reconcile all the time. I would not waste time with someone who was separated unless I knew I was just playing until I found someone single and in a position to commit to me.

[Anonymous]

Along with the fact she is lying to you, she didn't come to you with honesty you found out by asking her, again, and she 'fessed up. That would bother me as well.

[Anonymous]

I agree that this is potentially a dealbreaker. One thing I cannot tolerate is a liar.

When I was dating, I dated what I thought was a wonderful man who lied about his age. I really liked him, but once I found out that he was about 10 years older than he said he was that was it. And I didn't break up with him because of his age, it was because he lied about his age.

I remember he was dumbfounded. When he came clean with his age, I think he thought I would just be like oh it doesn't matter I like you anyway! No. You lied. I was done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is potentially a dealbreaker. One thing I cannot tolerate is a liar.

When I was dating, I dated what I thought was a wonderful man who lied about his age. I really liked him, but once I found out that he was about 10 years older than he said he was that was it. And I didn't break up with him because of his age, it was because he lied about his age.

I remember he was dumbfounded. When he came clean with his age, I think he thought I would just be like oh it doesn't matter I like you anyway! No. You lied. I was done.

10 years is a huge lie!

[Anonymous]

Maybe GF fled an abusive relationship and ex is dragging the divorce out to punish her. OR he flat out disappeared on her and she doesn't know where he is to serve him. There's a few reasons why she wasn't honest with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It matters the reason she has not completed the process. There are very practical economic reasons to stay legally married.

Nah. I agree that there are reasons to stay legally married, but there are no reasons to lie about it. If you're separated, you say separated, not divorced. If you're divorcING, as in "in the process", then that's what you say, not divorcED.

You've gotta give people the truth of the situation so they can choose whether or not they want to take that ride. She lied. Why she lied isn't the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this is potentially a dealbreaker. One thing I cannot tolerate is a liar.

When I was dating, I dated what I thought was a wonderful man who lied about his age. I really liked him, but once I found out that he was about 10 years older than he said he was that was it. And I didn't break up with him because of his age, it was because he lied about his age.

I remember he was dumbfounded. When he came clean with his age, I think he thought I would just be like oh it doesn't matter I like you anyway! No. You lied. I was done.

+1 Exactly. It's not even what they lie about. It's that they lied. Period.

You don't get to lie to my face and stay in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Along with the fact she is lying to you, she didn't come to you with honesty you found out by asking her, again, and she 'fessed up. That would bother me as well.

Agreed. There's a big difference between admitting you lied and getting caught in a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It matters the reason she has not completed the process. There are very practical economic reasons to stay legally married.

But what are the practical reasons for lying about it?

Unless you’re in a state where legal separation is recognized, you’re married or you’re not. Some people are fine dating during that period of separation, but not everyone is comfortable dating someone who is still legally married. Giving someone the chance to decide for themselves is the decent, honest thing to do. There may be a very good reason for delay, which can be explained sooner than later. If it’s a person who deals only in black and white, there’s no point in which covering up one’s still-married status would be okay. As someone who was repeatedly lied to by a cheating spouse, the circumstances would no longer matter after many months of lies. That’s 100% dealbreaker territory.

The circumstances might have mattered if I knew them at the outset (or very soon after).

100%

You've gotta give people the whole truth to give them agency to consent. You can't consent to something you don't fully understand.

Lot of people out there deliberately omitting the details. Lies of omission are still lies.

[Anonymous]

Mom 43, daughter 25. She had her kid young. Probably not much experience in dating, thus hiding the truth. Hopefully she will learn from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It matters the reason she has not completed the process. There are very practical economic reasons to stay legally married.

No, it doesn't, because she told him she was divorced. That's the point.