MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.

The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP

Talk to them about it. You all stop walking on eggshells . . . she WANTS you to walk on eggshells. "If grammy gets grumpy, just avoid her and do your thing."

My mom's mother was like this (worse than you describe, honestly). We just learned to ignore it when around her. My dad was really good at not giving in to her drama, and she pretty much left him alone.

I’m genuinely curious what that looks like; can you describe what interactions look like? My MIL will come, won’t speak to anyone, will sit in a corner chair and twirl the ends of her shirt, speak in hushed murmurs, etc. None of us knows what to do with that. I’d love to hear your experience. Nothing we do or say breaks her out of it, so we all just watch awkwardly.

—OP

Watch what? Just carry on with your holiday; treat her normally. This sounds like self-imposed awkwardness.

She’s local and DH has no other local family, so she is hosted alone. It’s awkward when she sits and won’t speak. How do we carry on with that? Just talk between the four of us? It’s honestly the strangest thing.

—OP

Yes. Try it. Manipulation tactics like hers cease to be amusing when they aren't fruitful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you inviting her and she’s refusing? More importantly do your kids invite them and she’s refuses? Do you really want more than birthdays and holidays?

I mean if all the kids know is that they any see granny on birthdays and Christmas and you have dragged them into your drama, I don’t get what’s so bad. That’s all that many kids see their grandparents.

Honestly, I don’t mind hosting or visiting when things are “normal”, but they are never normal after she goes off the grid, and I’m tired of her disappearing until she feels the loneliness of holidays without family. You can’t abandon us all year in between birthdays and holidays. Am I crazy to think this isn’t normal? Is it typical for parents/grandparents to cut off all contact between holidays after creating drama or not getting their way?

—OP

Honestly, the only time I engage in conversations with my mother-in-law is around holiday gatherings. She does call for birthday wishes (and we call as well). And there is no fight or dislike. We just are not close. I can easily go months between holidays/birthdays with no interaction between us.
Instead of looking at it like no contact or some sort of fight, just look at it as low contact because you aren’t very close.

[Anonymous]

Just treat her like she lives far away. It’s very normal for grandparents who live far away to see grandkids only on holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep moving the goals posts - changing the issues.

Do I this highly confrontational woman who is always arguing shows up and sits silently in a corner murmuring - no.

Now you are just making things up.

I assure you I’m not making it up. This IS the cycle: she engages in behavior DH finds inappropriate or unacceptable, he calls her out, she initiates no-contact, they don’t speak for months, she initiates contact ahead of holidays or family events, she attends and then acts wounded and awkward. I often wonder why she comes if she doesn’t want to be there? It’s like they both want to pretend their relationship is “normal”, but only around holidays. And they can’t even pretend properly!

—OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.

The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP

Talk to them about it. You all stop walking on eggshells . . . she WANTS you to walk on eggshells. "If grammy gets grumpy, just avoid her and do your thing."

My mom's mother was like this (worse than you describe, honestly). We just learned to ignore it when around her. My dad was really good at not giving in to her drama, and she pretty much left him alone.

I’m genuinely curious what that looks like; can you describe what interactions look like? My MIL will come, won’t speak to anyone, will sit in a corner chair and twirl the ends of her shirt, speak in hushed murmurs, etc. None of us knows what to do with that. I’d love to hear your experience. Nothing we do or say breaks her out of it, so we all just watch awkwardly.

—OP

NP. Ahead of time, talk to the kids. “As you know, Grandma is coming. She might act weird. It’s okay to just say hi and then go play. Some people can’t manage emotions well, you also see that at school.” Then model pleasant interaction with gray rock.

It is a little odd that you have never encountered someone like your MIL before but there are plenty of them in the world and your kids need to know how to be pleasant and ignore. It is a skill set.

[Anonymous]

I'd give her a coffee/tea & fringed blanket to anxiously fiddle with and turn on some Christmas music to mask her silence. Then continue on with your family Christmas saying she is welcome to participate in whatever you are doing. She may just want to observe and not be alone.

Can't fix what she has going on at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.

The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP

Talk to them about it. You all stop walking on eggshells . . . she WANTS you to walk on eggshells. "If grammy gets grumpy, just avoid her and do your thing."

My mom's mother was like this (worse than you describe, honestly). We just learned to ignore it when around her. My dad was really good at not giving in to her drama, and she pretty much left him alone.

I’m genuinely curious what that looks like; can you describe what interactions look like? My MIL will come, won’t speak to anyone, will sit in a corner chair and twirl the ends of her shirt, speak in hushed murmurs, etc. None of us knows what to do with that. I’d love to hear your experience. Nothing we do or say breaks her out of it, so we all just watch awkwardly.

—OP

Watch what? Just carry on with your holiday; treat her normally. This sounds like self-imposed awkwardness.

She’s local and DH has no other local family, so she is hosted alone. It’s awkward when she sits and won’t speak. How do we carry on with that? Just talk between the four of us? It’s honestly the strangest thing.

—OP

Exactly. Is it that hard to understand? If she’s not engaging in conversations, just have your normal conversations and activities like she isn’t there.
It’s honestly not that different than a FIL that just sits and watches the football game the entire holiday visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Banish her from the house. Your DH can go visit if he wants.

And that cycle will repeat when OP has a DIL because she herself has taught her kids that is okay.

People in these forums never seem to understand what they are teaching their own kids about cutting off relationships when they so casually do it themselves.

[Anonymous]

I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get why you seem to want to spend more time with this woman. A couple of holidays a year is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Banish her from the house. Your DH can go visit if he wants.

And that cycle will repeat when OP has a DIL because she herself has taught her kids that is okay.

People in these forums never seem to understand what they are teaching their own kids about cutting off relationships when they so casually do it themselves.

This is not such case but many parent have to fo it to save sanity of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP

The kids are uncomfortable because you and your husband are miserable. Just let her sit there in peace. Carry on with your day. My kids aren’t damaged by watching my father-in-law sit in front of the TV every single visit for the last 24 years.