MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

[Anonymous]

If DH is an only child in town then yeah you are stuck. You can't let her make you Christmas grouch who abandoned an old lady on Christmas eve. Be strong and swallow this bitter pill.

[Anonymous]

I find it ludicrous that you want to see her more often but can't tolerate her on Christmas. Take a vacation on next Christmas for a change.

[Anonymous]

After all this time, does her "cutting you off" even matter? Just ignore her. Don't invite her to things just so she can cut you off.
If she invites herself, tolerate her pleasantly. The PP above with suggestions as to what to tell kids is spot on.
You can't control what people do but you can control how you react to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

I don't quite get this. Yes, if she doesn't visit all fall, she won't see you or the grandkids during those months. But what does that have to do with Christmas? Do you WANT her to invite you over for dinner every other Sunday? If not, why are you trying to punish her for not doing that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.

The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP

Talk to them about it. You all stop walking on eggshells . . . she WANTS you to walk on eggshells. "If grammy gets grumpy, just avoid her and do your thing."

My mom's mother was like this (worse than you describe, honestly). We just learned to ignore it when around her. My dad was really good at not giving in to her drama, and she pretty much left him alone.

I’m genuinely curious what that looks like; can you describe what interactions look like? My MIL will come, won’t speak to anyone, will sit in a corner chair and twirl the ends of her shirt, speak in hushed murmurs, etc. None of us knows what to do with that. I’d love to hear your experience. Nothing we do or say breaks her out of it, so we all just watch awkwardly.

—OP

I feel like people like that thrive on the drama and attention. If she comes over and pulls the usual, well, turn on a movie or TV (something non-controversial like sports or old reruns), or some music, play a game with the kids, spend your time cooking in the kitchen, whatever you need to do. You don’t have to spend the effort on being an A+ host and asking “omg Nancy what’s wrong????” All the time if you know your guest isn’t going to be a good guest. How old are the kids? I think they can get an age appropriate explanation that older people sometimes have problems regulating their emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP

Pretending what? Just put on Christmas movies and go on about your day. Why is anyone miserable or uncomfortable? This seems like you want her to perform in a weird way you’ve invented in your own mind. gushing grandma is not a role she cares about, and that is fine.

[Anonymous]

OP this is a harsh crowd. I get your point about wanting to break the cycle. Also the fact that your MIL likes to act weird and cower when she does show up.

Can you try to just ignore her? Explain to your kids that GM has troubles with her emotions? By making her a case study you are teaching your kids a valuable skill.

You aren't going to be able to change her and I doubt DH wants to take a stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP

Pp with bipolar brother and MIL I can’t stand. Most recently, I have tried to see my family and MIL on days around holiday but not exact day. I can give my brother gifts or see MIL a week after. Both our families are not local so it is easier to do this.

MIL often upsets and says things to upset DH and BIlL. I don’t think anyone actually enjoys her company. It is family obligation.

For my bipolar brother, I’m all he’s got. When he is stable, he is great. When he isn’t, we try to stay calm and wait for him to stabilize. It is stressful for all. He is my brother and I love him.

I want to think my kids learn from us. They are watching us and know family is priority.

[Anonymous]

This is not about frequency of visits. It's about someone lying and expressing repeated hostility. That is never OK, ever. I would not invite such a person into my home. If your husband wants to see her, he can go to visit her. If your husband invites her over your express wishes, you take the kids and leave to go to a fun hotel for a few days to teach him that his nuclear family is more important than his mentally ill parent.

End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

+1

This is who she is. If your kids ask about it, just respond breezily, "oh, you know grandma, she's often weird when we haven't seen her in a while. Just leave her be" and go about your day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP

Pp with bipolar brother and MIL I can’t stand. Most recently, I have tried to see my family and MIL on days around holiday but not exact day. I can give my brother gifts or see MIL a week after. Both our families are not local so it is easier to do this.

MIL often upsets and says things to upset DH and BIlL. I don’t think anyone actually enjoys her company. It is family obligation.

For my bipolar brother, I’m all he’s got. When he is stable, he is great. When he isn’t, we try to stay calm and wait for him to stabilize. It is stressful for all. He is my brother and I love him.

I want to think my kids learn from us. They are watching us and know family is priority.

Your experience with your MIL sounds an awful lot like mine, at least in the lead up portion to her typical cycle of discard.

I think your suggestion to host before/after is reasonable. I don’t think it’s fair for any of us to have the actual holiday spoiled by her unpredictability, so this could be a fair compromise, assuming she takes it well.

—OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP

Pp with bipolar brother and MIL I can’t stand. Most recently, I have tried to see my family and MIL on days around holiday but not exact day. I can give my brother gifts or see MIL a week after. Both our families are not local so it is easier to do this.

MIL often upsets and says things to upset DH and BIlL. I don’t think anyone actually enjoys her company. It is family obligation.

For my bipolar brother, I’m all he’s got. When he is stable, he is great. When he isn’t, we try to stay calm and wait for him to stabilize. It is stressful for all. He is my brother and I love him.

I want to think my kids learn from us. They are watching us and know family is priority.

It really depends on the severity of the disease, PP. My best friend has had to distance herself considerably from her sister with a cyclical mood disorder (not sure if it's bipolar or something else), because the outbursts were just too violent and she refuses to expose her child to that. Occasionally my friend goes to visit her sister by herself, always in a neutral location where she leave at any moment.

My late FIL had bipolar disorder that went untreated for many years, and was prone to anger outbursts that made family life difficult for his wife and kids. I only knew him when he was well medicated and never saw the anger, but did see his verbal diarrhea, depression and lethargy. His was taken care of by his family until the end, despite years of trauma, because I think he knew how to express love in between his bad phases, and the worst of it had happened decades before, so his wife and grown children understood that he had "improved" with time.

But the most important thing to remember is that you cannot ask someone else to bear the burden of connection with such a diseased mind. YOU can choose, for yourself, to remain in contact. Therefore, OP's husband can visit his mother if he wants, but he cannot force his wife to welcome her into the family home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

+1

This is who she is. If your kids ask about it, just respond breezily, "oh, you know grandma, she's often weird when we haven't seen her in a while. Just leave her be" and go about your day.

But what does that look like when we are hosting just her? I feel obligated to sit with the family. What does “go about your day” look like in this instance, when she comes over (she’s local) and expects to celebrate the holiday? It feels rude to just leave the room, but I guess I don’t know what else to do!

—OP

[Anonymous]

I feel like I read something about this recently, where the OP was wondering what to do if a disappearing MIL tries to revoke her no-contact mode right before the holidays.

She sounds difficult, OP. Ask your DH what he wants to do, and if she does come over for the holiday just have her come over only on Christmas Eve. Be welcoming but then ignore all her attention-seeking nonsense. Go about your business celebrating, ignore her whimpery tone when she speaks. If your kids want to engage her in a craft project like decorating little gingerbread houses or making cookies, that will get her out of her corner.

Your kids aren’t taking it personally that she does this disappearing act. Teach them compassion regarding her mental illness and that’s how they’ll view her disappearances, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.

That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP

You do have the tools. She can come sit and observe on holidays. You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.

I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP

Pp with bipolar brother and MIL I can’t stand. Most recently, I have tried to see my family and MIL on days around holiday but not exact day. I can give my brother gifts or see MIL a week after. Both our families are not local so it is easier to do this.

MIL often upsets and says things to upset DH and BIlL. I don’t think anyone actually enjoys her company. It is family obligation.

For my bipolar brother, I’m all he’s got. When he is stable, he is great. When he isn’t, we try to stay calm and wait for him to stabilize. It is stressful for all. He is my brother and I love him.

I want to think my kids learn from us. They are watching us and know family is priority.

It really depends on the severity of the disease, PP. My best friend has had to distance herself considerably from her sister with a cyclical mood disorder (not sure if it's bipolar or something else), because the outbursts were just too violent and she refuses to expose her child to that. Occasionally my friend goes to visit her sister by herself, always in a neutral location where she leave at any moment.

My late FIL had bipolar disorder that went untreated for many years, and was prone to anger outbursts that made family life difficult for his wife and kids. I only knew him when he was well medicated and never saw the anger, but did see his verbal diarrhea, depression and lethargy. His was taken care of by his family until the end, despite years of trauma, because I think he knew how to express love in between his bad phases, and the worst of it had happened decades before, so his wife and grown children understood that he had "improved" with time.

But the most important thing to remember is that you cannot ask someone else to bear the burden of connection with such a diseased mind. YOU can choose, for yourself, to remain in contact. Therefore, OP's husband can visit his mother if he wants, but he cannot force his wife to welcome her into the family home.

They stayed because they were trauma bonded and equated love with those moments of “love” amidst the chaos. It’s very much similar to how a slot machine works—you keep putting in quarters and losing because every once in a while, you win, and winning is exhilarating. It’s the rush of the win.