MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

[Anonymous]

How is she initiating NC? Text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is she initiating NC? Text?

Usually it’s a proclamation, other times it’s just your standard silent treatment. This last time, over the summer, she verbally announced that she didn’t want to see us for a while.

—OP

[Anonymous]

The anti-MIL posts have become so extreme to the point of being comical.

[Anonymous]

It’s not abandonment if she never actually leaves or go no contact. I would treat pronouncements like this similar to when 5-6 year olds declare they are running away. It’s a way to say they are very upset when they don’t have the maturity/emotional health to manage hurt feelings more constructively. It’s up to you to decide whether she brings more good than not, but I definitely wouldn’t base anything from her “going no contact” since that doesn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The anti-MIL posts have become so extreme to the point of being comical.

This is an advice forum. What are you expecting to see on an advice forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The anti-MIL posts have become so extreme to the point of being comical.

This is an advice forum. What are you expecting to see on an advice forum?

What gave you the idea that this is an advice forum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not abandonment if she never actually leaves or go no contact. I would treat pronouncements like this similar to when 5-6 year olds declare they are running away. It’s a way to say they are very upset when they don’t have the maturity/emotional health to manage hurt feelings more constructively. It’s up to you to decide whether she brings more good than not, but I definitely wouldn’t base anything from her “going no contact” since that doesn’t happen.

I understand what you’re saying, and I agree, it’s emotional immaturity and pouting. But she definitely does “go no-contact” for months at a time, usually between major holidays, then suddenly calls my husband like nothing happened right before a major event. She absolutely refuses to speak to my husband and children, and me. Am I misconstruing what “no-contact” is? Either way, it’s not healthy, especially now that she’s trying to gaslight us into believing that WE kept the kids from her, when she could have been involved the whole time she was pouting. Our children aren’t going to be pawns in her dynamic with DH. I won’t allow it.

—OP

[Anonymous]

Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

[Anonymous]

This is on your husband to triage and manage.
He hasn’t done a good job in twenty years - doubt it’s going to change now.

[Anonymous]

Are you inviting her and she’s refusing? More importantly do your kids invite them and she’s refuses? Do you really want more than birthdays and holidays?

I mean if all the kids know is that they any see granny on birthdays and Christmas and you have dragged them into your drama, I don’t get what’s so bad. That’s all that many kids see their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I'm having deja vu on this one. Not saying OP has posted before-- just that there was perhaps another MIL who pulled this stunt repeatedly.

Anyone with better memory or good google fu able to pull it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is on your husband to triage and manage.
He hasn’t done a good job in twenty years - doubt it’s going to change now.

Well, that’s why I’m stepping in. I’m asking advice on how to do that.

—OP

[Anonymous]

Have a zoom call with your DH and you MIL.

Have a script that you are going to read from. Your DH needs to say .... That he loves her and you want her to be a part of family events. But the way things are going needs to change. Everyone is on edge and it is exhausting. It is not healthy for anyone.

Can you start by doing a low key even before the holidays to test it out? Decorating cookies? Going to see Christmas lights some where?
Your DH needs to step in and orchestrate it more - so when he sees the signs, he figures out how to de-escalate and let everyone take a breath.
And have a phrase like - Mom, I am going for a walk as I need some fresh air - and when that is said, she knows she needs to drop what ever she is engaged with and step outside with him.
Best of luck