MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

I'm not OP but why does she have to let her MIL come over and be awkward? Why isn't OP entitled to NOT have that in her life?

I'm sensing that many of you may not have dealt with people like this before. It's not as simple as just allowing them to come and go as they please. If the MIL could do that then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place!

[Anonymous]

Would she act differently if you went to her house instead of her coming to you? Could DH take the kids over for 2 hours, you can rest and then come back home? Or would that cause more drama?

It sucks that her childish behavior ruins your holiday each year. That's not fair to you. So let DH deal with it if he insists on letting her back in each time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.

The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP

As someone who has had to deal with a family member around whom everyone had to walk on eggshells, I feel you, OP.

Personally, I don't engage with that. There are some rules for a decent society, and causing angst to everyone around you is violating a number of those. As a result, I won't tolerate people like that.

My friend puts up with it (her MIL has gone so far as to slap her in the face and scream bad words at her). I'm not sure that either of us is "right" we're just both doing what we want to/think we can handle.

OP, you need to draw your own boundaries. Some posters can clearly shrug off behavior like this, so for them it's not a big deal. For others it is draining and they can't do it. So they shouldn't. You decide what you can do and act accordingly. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you inviting her and she’s refusing? More importantly do your kids invite them and she’s refuses? Do you really want more than birthdays and holidays?

I mean if all the kids know is that they any see granny on birthdays and Christmas and you have dragged them into your drama, I don’t get what’s so bad. That’s all that many kids see their grandparents.

Honestly, I don’t mind hosting or visiting when things are “normal”, but they are never normal after she goes off the grid, and I’m tired of her disappearing until she feels the loneliness of holidays without family. You can’t abandon us all year in between birthdays and holidays. Am I crazy to think this isn’t normal? Is it typical for parents/grandparents to cut off all contact between holidays after creating drama or not getting their way?

—OP

Honestly, the only time I engage in conversations with my mother-in-law is around holiday gatherings. She does call for birthday wishes (and we call as well). And there is no fight or dislike. We just are not close. I can easily go months between holidays/birthdays with no interaction between us.
Instead of looking at it like no contact or some sort of fight, just look at it as low contact because you aren’t very close.

The difference is that when you don't speak with your MIL, it's just because that's how things are, not because one of you has decided they won't speak to you and they make a big pronouncement about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you inviting her and she’s refusing? More importantly do your kids invite them and she’s refuses? Do you really want more than birthdays and holidays?

I mean if all the kids know is that they any see granny on birthdays and Christmas and you have dragged them into your drama, I don’t get what’s so bad. That’s all that many kids see their grandparents.

Honestly, I don’t mind hosting or visiting when things are “normal”, but they are never normal after she goes off the grid, and I’m tired of her disappearing until she feels the loneliness of holidays without family. You can’t abandon us all year in between birthdays and holidays. Am I crazy to think this isn’t normal? Is it typical for parents/grandparents to cut off all contact between holidays after creating drama or not getting their way?

—OP

Honestly, the only time I engage in conversations with my mother-in-law is around holiday gatherings. She does call for birthday wishes (and we call as well). And there is no fight or dislike. We just are not close. I can easily go months between holidays/birthdays with no interaction between us.
Instead of looking at it like no contact or some sort of fight, just look at it as low contact because you aren’t very close.

The difference is that when you don't speak with your MIL, it's just because that's how things are, not because one of you has decided they won't speak to you and they make a big pronouncement about it.

This. Why are people ignoring this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

I'm not OP but why does she have to let her MIL come over and be awkward? Why isn't OP entitled to NOT have that in her life?

I'm sensing that many of you may not have dealt with people like this before. It's not as simple as just allowing them to come and go as they please. If the MIL could do that then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place!

What is this entitled nonsense? It's not a panhandler from the street. It's her husband's mother and the only person who gets a say in that other than OP is him. There's nothing anyone can say but figure it out with your husband. OP is not "entitled" to dictate his relationships with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The anti-MIL posts have become so extreme to the point of being comical.

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

I'm not OP but why does she have to let her MIL come over and be awkward? Why isn't OP entitled to NOT have that in her life?

I'm sensing that many of you may not have dealt with people like this before. It's not as simple as just allowing them to come and go as they please. If the MIL could do that then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place!

What is this entitled nonsense? It's not a panhandler from the street. It's her husband's mother and the only person who gets a say in that other than OP is him. There's nothing anyone can say but figure it out with your husband. OP is not "entitled" to dictate his relationships with his mom.

You’re right. He can invite whomever he wants to the house, and OP can take herself and her children elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I have a BPD or NPD MIL and have been married 25 years with kids who are now older teens or grown. Here are my thoughts —
1) even though my husband hates his mom, if I saw word one, I become the bad guy. So I really really avoid making this a thing.
2) these people feed on drama. Don’t feed the drama, to greatest extent possible. Your declaring bright line or boundary will feed the drama. So decide your limits but never announce them as limits.
3) the kids will notice more if you are like “we don’t see grandma anymore” than if you just quiet fade or don’t see her a ton. Occasionally one of my kids will say “why don’t we visit grandma” and I’m like “yeah, maybe we will.” But of course we won’t and they drop it because most teens really aren’t that psyched to spend tons od time with difficult weird grandma anyway.
4) ageee with Pp that your easiest play is probably to just decide to do a holiday meal with her someplace, where she will need to modify her behavior. We lalways do a meal out with my MiL and her husband. And if she’s like my MiL, part of what she really wants here is to be able to tell her friends how she spends time with the grandkids and got them something blah blah … so if she can say “oh, John took me out to Morton’s for a wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with the kids”, that will scratch that itch at least in part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

I'm not OP but why does she have to let her MIL come over and be awkward? Why isn't OP entitled to NOT have that in her life?

I'm sensing that many of you may not have dealt with people like this before. It's not as simple as just allowing them to come and go as they please. If the MIL could do that then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place!

What is this entitled nonsense? It's not a panhandler from the street. It's her husband's mother and the only person who gets a say in that other than OP is him. There's nothing anyone can say but figure it out with your husband. OP is not "entitled" to dictate his relationships with his mom.

You’re right. He can invite whomever he wants to the house, and OP can take herself and her children elsewhere.

That is feeding the drama which violates the first commandment of dealing with a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

I'm not OP but why does she have to let her MIL come over and be awkward? Why isn't OP entitled to NOT have that in her life?

I'm sensing that many of you may not have dealt with people like this before. It's not as simple as just allowing them to come and go as they please. If the MIL could do that then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place!

What is this entitled nonsense? It's not a panhandler from the street. It's her husband's mother and the only person who gets a say in that other than OP is him. There's nothing anyone can say but figure it out with your husband. OP is not "entitled" to dictate his relationships with his mom.

You’re right. He can invite whomever he wants to the house, and OP can take herself and her children elsewhere.

Her children? Ok! Maybe then he can say she kidnapped them dump her ass and get full custody. What solid advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

I'm not OP but why does she have to let her MIL come over and be awkward? Why isn't OP entitled to NOT have that in her life?

I'm sensing that many of you may not have dealt with people like this before. It's not as simple as just allowing them to come and go as they please. If the MIL could do that then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place!

What is this entitled nonsense? It's not a panhandler from the street. It's her husband's mother and the only person who gets a say in that other than OP is him. There's nothing anyone can say but figure it out with your husband. OP is not "entitled" to dictate his relationships with his mom.

You’re right. He can invite whomever he wants to the house, and OP can take herself and her children elsewhere.

Her children? Ok! Maybe then he can say she kidnapped them dump her ass and get full custody. What solid advice.

You sound absolutely ridiculous. Take the kids elsewhere WHILE THE ABUSIVE PERSON is in the home. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe just let her come and go as she pleases but don't give in to the drama. Don't change plans for her, don't make special plans for her, and don't act like it's a big deal if and when she shows up. She's seeking attention and to upend your lives . . . don't give her oxygen.

During her “re-entry”, though, she acts like a wounded animal, cowering in corners and just acting generally uneasy, like someone may yell at her. It creates an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and my kids are old enough to pick up on the awkwardness. I don’t want every holiday to be shrouded in this tension. It’s not fair to them, or to us.

—OP

Let her come over and be awkward. You continue to do you, and you don't give in to her attention-seeking behavior. She wants you to argue with you, she wants to control your emotions, she wants you to ask her what's wrong. Don't.

I'm not OP but why does she have to let her MIL come over and be awkward? Why isn't OP entitled to NOT have that in her life?

I'm sensing that many of you may not have dealt with people like this before. It's not as simple as just allowing them to come and go as they please. If the MIL could do that then OP wouldn't be in this position in the first place!

What is this entitled nonsense? It's not a panhandler from the street. It's her husband's mother and the only person who gets a say in that other than OP is him. There's nothing anyone can say but figure it out with your husband. OP is not "entitled" to dictate his relationships with his mom.

You’re right. He can invite whomever he wants to the house, and OP can take herself and her children elsewhere.

Her children? Ok! Maybe then he can say she kidnapped them dump her ass and get full custody. What solid advice.

You sound absolutely ridiculous. Take the kids elsewhere WHILE THE ABUSIVE PERSON is in the home. Just stop.

Abuse? So dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.

The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP

Talk to them about it. You all stop walking on eggshells . . . she WANTS you to walk on eggshells. "If grammy gets grumpy, just avoid her and do your thing."

My mom's mother was like this (worse than you describe, honestly). We just learned to ignore it when around her. My dad was really good at not giving in to her drama, and she pretty much left him alone.

I’m genuinely curious what that looks like; can you describe what interactions look like? My MIL will come, won’t speak to anyone, will sit in a corner chair and twirl the ends of her shirt, speak in hushed murmurs, etc. None of us knows what to do with that. I’d love to hear your experience. Nothing we do or say breaks her out of it, so we all just watch awkwardly.

—OP

Watch what? Just carry on with your holiday; treat her normally. This sounds like self-imposed awkwardness.

She’s local and DH has no other local family, so she is hosted alone. It’s awkward when she sits and won’t speak. How do we carry on with that? Just talk between the four of us? It’s honestly the strangest thing.

—OP

Exactly. Is it that hard to understand? If she’s not engaging in conversations, just have your normal conversations and activities like she isn’t there.
It’s honestly not that different than a FIL that just sits and watches the football game the entire holiday visit.

Not OP but someone who has an in-law like OP's MIL and it is different because the person isn't just sitting there watching TV, they're sitting there exuding negative energy, making comments under their breath, sighing heavily, etc. It is incredibly draining to be around someone like that. It isn't just something that you ignore. Well, maybe you can ignore it, and honestly that's awesome. But for some of us, it is truly a drain to be around people like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Banish her from the house. Your DH can go visit if he wants.

And that cycle will repeat when OP has a DIL because she herself has taught her kids that is okay.

People in these forums never seem to understand what they are teaching their own kids about cutting off relationships when they so casually do it themselves.

After all OP has endured with her MIL I don't think she is "casually" deciding to do anything. And actually, it's much healthier to model to your kids that you won't be treated badly by people, even if they are related to you.