MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Banish her from the house. Your DH can go visit if he wants.

And that cycle will repeat when OP has a DIL because she herself has taught her kids that is okay.

People in these forums never seem to understand what they are teaching their own kids about cutting off relationships when they so casually do it themselves.

You again. Do you live on dcum?

Your post is utter bullsht. Op will not behave like her insane mil. It's a good thing to teach children that they don't have to tolerate abusive behavior. Op has been clear that she acts out in abusive ways then crawls back and acts like a child. This behavior probably ruins every holiday they are together.a

I wouldn't invite her to anything. If dh insists, do one round of politeness then ignore her completely when she acts like a selfish baby. Don't give her any attention at all.

DP.

What's the abusive behavior towards the kids? Did MIL tell the kids anything? If not, OP's DH can tell his mom they are not having her over for Christmas but she can talk to her grandkids on the phone.

That's what OP wants him to do, he prefers to manage his mom differently. OP doesn't like it and wants to know how to "step in" ie create drama and throw gasoline on the fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The anti-MIL posts have become so extreme to the point of being comical.

The posters who chime in just to be negative have become so extreme to the point of being comical. The title sats it all. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.

If she can cut you off you can cut her off. Blame her for everything just like she does you and go silent over the holidays. Maybe she'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is on your husband to triage and manage.
He hasn’t done a good job in twenty years - doubt it’s going to change now.

For the sake of your marriage and children, he needs to go NC with her and block all communication from all of ou.
Seriously, you're modeling codependent behavior and engaging with a narcissist. Stop.