Some take it or leave it reflections on eldercare, 18 months in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I appreciate your frankness. You were very clear that everyone's experiences and situations will be different, so I don't know why some people feel offended. (Except for the first reply - that person is the first reply on EVERY NEW THREAD and it is always negative and trashing the OP.)

Anyway I think it's good to normalize talking about the ugly side of elder care. There are no good solutions in the modern world unless you or your parents are rich and can throw money at caretakers. And even then I'm sure there are plenty of baggage issues mucking things up. It is so unbelievably complicated and you really can't win. You can only do your best while trying not to also drown.

Thank you, I think we aren’t being honest enough as a society about this side of longevity. We are trying to find a ways to live longer but what about the younger generations? Generational wealth is not built anymore, it’s all spent on eldercare. Statins, BP meds and insulin (and now GLP1s) are making people live for decades past their time, placing a burden on caregivers.
I don’t want to do eldercare in my 60s!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched and helped my mom take care of my grandmother, her mom, for a very long time. So when my mom needed help, I was happy to help. My dad had died of cancer many years earlier. I had a job and a family of my own. I could sense that my mom really hated becoming so dependent and I hope I never made her feel like a burden, because she wasn’t. She is gone now and I miss her so much, but I know she was not happy even though she was able to live and die in her own home. In my experience, it was harder on my mom than on me. I hope I leave this earth before I become dependent on anyone. I’m like my mom that way.

I am starting to explore the Swiss clinics now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

In PP’s defense it still involves visits and probably managing their care? It’s like teens, they don’t require direct caretaking but all the driving and managing is exhausting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been caring for my mom in our home for almost five years now. She has alzheimer, but is pretty calm. I am her only child, and am pretty low maintenance (no mani, pedis, no makeup, no perfune, no fancy clothes). She was always dressed to the nines, and would conatantly comment on my appearance. Now, I am barely keeping it together taking to and from the bathroom, bathing her, cooking and doing her laundry. As a family, we have all given up so much, so when she complains about her hair not looking just so, I feel like I am going to explode! At this point, I feel I am only taking care of her out of obligation. I keep putting off moving her into a care home, because I don’t want her to run out of money. Forget about inheritance!

I’m so sorry, PP. It sounds like it’s far past time. You are doing single-handedly what an entire team does in a care home. You can’t torpedo your own life for her. If something happens to you from the stress of caregiving, she’d have no one. And perhaps your relationship with her can improve once you shift out of that role. I know it’s easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

IMO, people should read your advice and then leave it. It's your experience and yours alone.

Everyone's experience is going to be different. There are as many different scenarios as there are people on the planet.

What I do find concerning is the underlying thread of intolerance and annoyance at caring for one's "loved" ones. I have done care for both parents and a sibling and would never think nor express the kind of vitriol I often see posted on elder care issues. But that's my experience and it's different than OPs.

Phrases like living "past their time" is an example. I am not a religious person but who are any of us to say when another person's "time" is? That they shouldn't be given standard medications for common health issues (statins, BP medications)? Aren't there people in their 30s who are on BP meds? So I guess you should not start on them, or is there a specific age the prescription should be stopped? Of course not, because it's not rational.

If there is some cosmic timeline or physical condition that determines someone needs to get put on the ice floe?

What about younger people who are paralyzed from an accident? Or have a debilitating disease? Not everyone in full-time care facilities are elderly. Should those people in their 30s or 40s fall under the same criteria? The burdens of caring for them are the same as the elderly.

FWIW, I've also known 2 people who have chosen euthanasia (living in a foreign country) and that has its trauma and effects on the family and loved ones, too.

Essentially, we as a county/culture need to revisit elder care and expand the options. Things like adult day care. But unless and until people start seeing the elderly as equal human beings, it won't happen.

The general attitude (at least here on DCUM) is to eliminate any resources, time or energy spent on people who supposedly no longer have any value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

OP here. And, get used to having people like this in every topic when you share what you are dealing with!

It is completely ok not to love your parent. Most likely it’s the parent’s fault tbh. I am entitled to my feelings; it’s the actions that matter. As long as my parent is housed and fed and has access to healthcare, my conscience is clear. I don’t owe them love or frivolous expenses.

Ignore pp op. It’s like when childless people give childcare advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been caring for my mom in our home for almost five years now. She has alzheimer, but is pretty calm. I am her only child, and am pretty low maintenance (no mani, pedis, no makeup, no perfune, no fancy clothes). She was always dressed to the nines, and would conatantly comment on my appearance. Now, I am barely keeping it together taking to and from the bathroom, bathing her, cooking and doing her laundry. As a family, we have all given up so much, so when she complains about her hair not looking just so, I feel like I am going to explode! At this point, I feel I am only taking care of her out of obligation. I keep putting off moving her into a care home, because I don’t want her to run out of money. Forget about inheritance!

This is so so hard. I feel for you. My kids are middle and high school, and I feel like I’m missing out on my kids’ lives for these of my parent. I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I appreciate your frankness. You were very clear that everyone's experiences and situations will be different, so I don't know why some people feel offended. (Except for the first reply - that person is the first reply on EVERY NEW THREAD and it is always negative and trashing the OP.)

Anyway I think it's good to normalize talking about the ugly side of elder care. There are no good solutions in the modern world unless you or your parents are rich and can throw money at caretakers. And even then I'm sure there are plenty of baggage issues mucking things up. It is so unbelievably complicated and you really can't win. You can only do your best while trying not to also drown.

Thank you, I think we aren’t being honest enough as a society about this side of longevity. We are trying to find a ways to live longer but what about the younger generations? Generational wealth is not built anymore, it’s all spent on eldercare. Statins, BP meds and insulin (and now GLP1s) are making people live for decades past their time, placing a burden on caregivers.
I don’t want to do eldercare in my 60s!

So we should just not give insulin and let type 1 diabetics die?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

In PP’s defense it still involves visits and probably managing their care? It’s like teens, they don’t require direct caretaking but all the driving and managing is exhausting

Yes. I pay all of their bills (which they want to oversee, so at their "apartment," on their computer, not logging in from home and doing it whenever), drive them on errands, take them to doctor appointments, take them out for meals, or to my home for a meal, take them shopping, etc. Just because they are not sleeping under my roof doesn't mean it's a cake walk.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you were honest in your post and maybe for older folks reading this thread it will be a wake-up call to not only keep their legal and financial records in order to help their children out as they age to figure things out, but also to take a good look at their physical health including dental, hearing, vision regular checkups and a total physical. Also to consider as they may have the finances what they do have available for future help so that they do not just land on their children suddenly. They can look at where they are living - and start to downsize and get rid of junk NOW. They can look critically at their home and get the upkeep done NOW so that a sale of it could be done as smoothly as possible. They could get used to getting help now for such things as housekeeping, yard work, learning to use ordering groceries etc. at the local food store for pickup and/or in time delivery. Learning how to use UBER as their ability to drive might become reduced. This can involve looking at options for LTC funding, visiting area CCRCs or similar places offering Assisted Living and Memory Care because often their can be a waiting list.

For children with older parents - like us - they can look at your post and start thinking about how they might start "the conversation" as early as possible. Maybe starting from one angle that a parent would be most open for assistance and going from there. In our case, we have a daughter (42) with a disability who resides with us so I have taken a lot of time to get what would need to be done in her various aspects of life and how to assist her siblings in taking over if we were unable to do so. I also know I need to let my husband know more about what is in "The Notebook." At this point for us, we have different things in different places and need to put all in a Notebook.

At this point we have many things in place, but we do not have a Centralized Notebook of information on ourselves and this is a goal for the new year:
- List of Professionals in our lives
- Legal Documents of Will, Trust with Special Needs Trust, POA, Health Care Directives, and Guardianships of sibling
- Booklet of all online Access information on government, financial, health care, local businesses et.
- Health Care Status of each and list of providers
- Final Wishes
The scary thing is that there is no given path to aging and it only seems to get more expensive in looking at care options. In our case we have LTC insurance because of DD, but we could never include her in such a placement at a CCRC until she is 62!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

In PP’s defense it still involves visits and probably managing their care? It’s like teens, they don’t require direct caretaking but all the driving and managing is exhausting

Yes. I pay all of their bills (which they want to oversee, so at their "apartment," on their computer, not logging in from home and doing it whenever), drive them on errands, take them to doctor appointments, take them out for meals, or to my home for a meal, take them shopping, etc. Just because they are not sleeping under my roof doesn't mean it's a cake walk.

Something I've seen is that 2-factor authentication has made managing someone else's accounts much harder. Unless I suppose you set it up with your phone as well. A lot of life's administrative hassles seem to be getting more annoying than before and it's hard for everyone, but especially the elderly or anyone helping them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hope you feel better trashing your elderly parent. I feel sorry for your dad.

Say the troll who does nothing for their parents if they are even human and in the US. Probably a Russian bot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been almost 1.5 years since I moved my then 79 yo father close to me and started overseeing his care. He and my late mother fell behind on so many things, yet resisted help, so when she died and dad became amenable to being helped, I had a lot on my plate.

I was excited at first, as I was close to him as a child and teen but then I didn’t have many opportunities to keep the connection. But then, I went through a range of emotions such as disappointment, anger, and compassion. Now I just want to jot down some thoughts that helped me make peace with the new status quo. They are by no means revolutionary but I mostly want to lay them out.

- your parent is most likely not the person you remember from when you still lived at home, and most change will be for the worse. The sooner you get rid of illusions of a renewed friendship, the better. Your parent is most likely a boring old person who is annoying because he always needs help and is trying to make you their emotional support. Not a long lost friend.

- the sooner you build an emotional cocoon around yourself the better. Be nice but don’t get dragged into serious discussions, and don’t share any problems or expect meaningful input.

- physically limit the time you spend with your parent. Them being close doesn’t mean you owe them your time.
If they can survive on their own for a week or a month, it’s fine not to see them more often. It’s better to have nice short visits than frequent long ones where you are irritated or annoyed and then feel guilty when it’s over.

- limit the dr visits to serious conditions that need to be managed. Don’t come back to see a podiatrist every 3 months just because your parent had some calluses removed once. Everyone wants to milk Medicare and Medicaid so don’t fall for that.

- it is ok to ask your parent to stop complaining about stuff that doesn’t require your action, all those daily aches and such. I told my dad it makes me worry and if he wants me to take him to the dr I will but he should say so. He still complains but not as much, I just say I’m sorry I wish I could help! And try not to get emotionally involved.

- if your parent offers you financial help of any kind, accept it. Actually don’t let them keep their money while you spend your own. It builds resentment! And it’s good for the parent to feel like they are useful to their kids. Basically try to do as much wealth transfer as possible (without abuse of course). It’s better if money goes to you than to some scammers or new spouses.

- I didn’t realize how early some people become incapable of self care. Ideally try to start overlooking your parents’ eye and ear and dental health as early as their 60s! I know not every parent is amenable to this but it’s good to try.

- if you can, bring your parents closer to you as early as possible while they are still somewhat sane and capable. Keeping an eye on them is good for them and good for your future inheritance, hopefully keeping scammers away. Also don’t be afraid to be assertive and take away phones, cars, bank account controls etc. This varies widely, some parents are resistant to it but ideally at the first signs of inadequacy controls should go to the kids.

- last but not least. Don’t expect your parents to be your friends or even someone whose company you enjoy. If they are indeed great people - that’s great and you are lucky. But most elderly parents will be miserable, behind the times, and generally a burden of some sort. And it’s ok as long as you anticipate it and aren’t disappointed.

Ok I think I am done for now

Short of having a pistol, I’m not quite sure how one just “takes away” things from a resistant adult.

Okay. Well, let us know how it goes when they hit someone with their car. I hope they have umbrella insurance to protect their assets...

One of my parents did not want to give up anything. He was not of sound mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I appreciate your frankness. You were very clear that everyone's experiences and situations will be different, so I don't know why some people feel offended. (Except for the first reply - that person is the first reply on EVERY NEW THREAD and it is always negative and trashing the OP.)

Anyway I think it's good to normalize talking about the ugly side of elder care. There are no good solutions in the modern world unless you or your parents are rich and can throw money at caretakers. And even then I'm sure there are plenty of baggage issues mucking things up. It is so unbelievably complicated and you really can't win. You can only do your best while trying not to also drown.

Thank you, I think we aren’t being honest enough as a society about this side of longevity. We are trying to find a ways to live longer but what about the younger generations? Generational wealth is not built anymore, it’s all spent on eldercare. Statins, BP meds and insulin (and now GLP1s) are making people live for decades past their time, placing a burden on caregivers.
I don’t want to do eldercare in my 60s!

So we should just not give insulin and let type 1 diabetics die?

Don’t be obtuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved to a nearby CCRC 18 months ago, and, I am the nearby family member. Spouses parents passed over a decade ago. My parents were, and are, terrific parents who raised me, and however many years I can help them, is a privilege. And, maybe I will feel differently in a few years, but I hope not.

They are not the same as when they raised me (anxiety and memory loss are real and sucks), but I am not the same toddler, school girl, teen, young adult, etc. either

I wonder if the difference is that I had a terrific childhood, we have always had a good relationship, they have the funds to pay for the CCRC, that they aren't nasty, or that it hasn't been very long yet? Whatever the reason, I consider myself lucky after reading all the horrid situations here, and hope the relationship we have with our now young adult children remains as strong as the one I have with my parents.

I mean, the obvious difference is that they are in a CCRC, not at your house with you directly helping them get dressed.
And I sincerely love that - good for them. It's so hard for people to make the choice and I'm glad they did and the whole thing probably contributes to your positive feelings about it.

But you are not the direct caretaker and that's the big difference.

In PP’s defense it still involves visits and probably managing their care? It’s like teens, they don’t require direct caretaking but all the driving and managing is exhausting

Yes. I pay all of their bills (which they want to oversee, so at their "apartment," on their computer, not logging in from home and doing it whenever), drive them on errands, take them to doctor appointments, take them out for meals, or to my home for a meal, take them shopping, etc. Just because they are not sleeping under my roof doesn't mean it's a cake walk.

Oh goodness, nobody said it was a cakewalk. But if they lived with you it would be everything you're doing plus more, wouldn't it? Especially if they were older and infirm, perhaps unable to shower alone or prone to wandering at 3 AM.

It's not the martyr olympics, but you wondered aloud why it feels so good and the answer is that they live in a facility with paid help.
Good on them for choosing that and saving money for it.